


Hush

by etoile_etiolee



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Hurt Jensen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mpreg, Pregnant Jensen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-07
Updated: 2013-12-08
Packaged: 2018-01-03 22:03:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 44,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1073577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etoile_etiolee/pseuds/etoile_etiolee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen and Jared are married and happy. Jensen can't have kids, but he surprisingly becomes pregnant. When the sonogram uncovers a past pregnancy and surgery scars that Jared doesn't know about, it brings out everything Jensen has kept hidden and locked up to protect himself from the pain. The pregnancy sends him into a torturous journey that will bring him to the verge of a complete mental breakdown. The road to recovery is long and difficult but in the end, with the help and support of his husband, Jensen gets to have his happy ending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> written from the mpreg_winchester bigbang.  
> Thanks to my beta reader, disneymagics, for the awesome work she did on this  
> Thanks to evian_fork, my artist, for the beautiful banners, posters, chapter headers, etc.
> 
> Disclaimer: none of this is true

_Prologue_

They met under the most unusual circumstances. It was an especially cold January day in Providence and for once, Jared would have preferred to stay in bed than go for his daily run. Of course, Storm, his female English Setter, had other ideas. She jumped on the bed and nuzzled at Jared’s face until he gave up and extricated himself from his warm cocoon.

It was six in the morning when he left his house. Each breath he took gave him the impression that the air was freezing in his lungs. Still, there was a pale sun rising and Storm was so enthusiastic that, eventually, Jared’s grumpiness faded away and he started running with more intent, enjoying the quiet streets of the still mostly sleeping town. 

He was heading toward the condominium complex recently built in the neighborhood when Storm started to act strangely. She froze in place, her head held high, smelling the air while her ears pricked straight up. Then she let out a small whine.

“What is it, girl?” Jared asked, short of breath.

Storm headed slowly to the sidewalk, smelling the ground until she stopped near a frozen bush and looked at Jared, whining again.

“What’s in there?” Jared asked, crouching next to her.

That’s when he heard it. A tiny, feeble mewl. There was a small bundle of grey fur shaking between the ice-covered branches. 

“Oh god, what are you doing here?”

Jared tied Storm’s leash around his waist to free his hands and reached for the kitten. It didn’t try to get away from him. As a matter of fact, as soon as Jared picked it up, it started purring, although it was still shaking from the cold. 

The kitten couldn’t be more than a few months old. He had long grey fur, white paws and a black and pink nose. Jared wasn’t a cat person but he had to admit the kitten was all kinds of adorable.

He had a small silver id tag which Jared could barely read because his eyelashes were getting covered in frost, making everything in his vision glisten.

_Mr. Mitten_

_208 A, Parker Street_

Great, they were on Parker Street. There was even a phone number after the address, but Jared never brought his cell when he ran.

He looked up and realized Mr. Mitten’s owner lived in the condominium complex at the end of the street. The simplest solution was to take him there directly instead of going back home and trying the phone number.

Besides, Jared wasn’t sure Mr. Mitten would appreciate the thirty minute run back.

Storm was smelling him cautiously, not sure if this tiny grey ball was to be trusted. Jared stood up, unzipped his sport vest and wrapped the cat in it, keeping it close to his body. He walked up the street at a jogging pace, careful not to shake the kitten too much.

He rang at the number outside the building corresponding to the address written on the tag. Storm jumped around him yelping, visibly excited by this turn of events.

The name next to the condo number read _Jensen Ackles._ The man’s voice was raw and low when he answered.

“Mr Ackles? You don’t know me, but I just found your cat nearby and I-“

“You found him? Is he okay?” Ackles asked eagerly.

“He is. He’s cold, but he’s okay. Can I…?”

“Yeah, yeah of course. Come in.” 

The outer door emitted a buzzing sound and Jared only hesitated a second before entering despite the _No Dogs Allowed_ sign on it. What the hell. He couldn’t leave Storm outside in this weather.

Luckily for him, the hall was empty as was the elevator. It opened on a small corridor with a door at both ends.

“208 A, it’s there,” he told his dog just as the door opened and a man walked toward him, a genuine smile on his lips.

Jared stayed where he was and his jaw must have dropped like a cartoon character's. 

Jensen Ackles was gorgeous. He wore wrinkled jeans and an even more messed up tee, had dark circles under his eyes, stubble that needed to be shaved and his hair –short, dark blond- was plastered on one side of his head and raised in a pillow tuft on the other, but still, he was breath taking. Probably in his late twenties, tall, but not as tall as Jared, with broad shoulders and wide green eyes, delicate, almost feminine features. And freckles, as if he hadn't been blessed enough already.

Jared let Jensen Ackles take Mr. Mitten away from him while Storm, of course, had to shove her muzzle right between the man’s thighs. Jared yanked on the leash, blushing all over his already hot and sweat-covered face. 

“Stop it, Storm,” he squeaked in a very unmanly way.

“He got out of my apartment yesterday evening and, I don’t know, someone must have opened the building door and then he was gone. I looked for him well past midnight last night and I was sure he must have died from the cold,” Ackles was saying, patting Storm’s head distractedly. “Would you like to come in, share a cup of coffee?”

Jared barely repressed an enthusiastic head nod. _Keep it together, man._ “Yeah sure, but the sign says dogs aren't allowed in.”

“Screw it. Come on, man, you just saved Mr. Mitten-“

Ackles froze and closed his mouth. It was his turn to blush and gosh, it was so damn cute. “I… my sister choose the name. Because of… you know… the white paws.” He said, then cleared his throat.

“What would you have named it?”

“I had already named it. Cat.”

“Cat?”

“Uh-huh. It’s… easy to remember.”

Jared tried not to laugh. He tried really hard, but the sound escaped his throat and he couldn’t do a damn thing about it. Mr. Mitten startled in Jensen Ackles’ arms at the loud noise and the corner of his master’s eyes crinkled while a slow smile appeared on his lips. “It does sound kind of stupid,” he admitted, his smile widening. “Come on, come inside, let’s have some coffee.”

“Okay,” Jared nodded.

“Your dimples are adorable,” Jensen declared very solemnly, then he slapped a hand over his mouth. 

“Thanks.”

Jared couldn’t be much redder than he already was. Storm gave a muffled growl, like she was warning him to stop acting like a twelve year old girl.

“I did not just say that,” Ackles mumbled. 

“Are we getting coffee or what?”

“We better. At least I won’t be able to talk with my mouth full.”

One hour later, Jared knew Ackles was twenty eight, working as a photographer in a small studio downtown and, much more importantly, single. “Still looking for the right man, I guess,” he added, confirming what Jared had already guessed about his sexual orientation. 

As for himself, he must have spilled his whole life story right there. Jared liked to talk. A lot. Maybe, couldn’t shut up if his life depended on it, was the most honest way to put it. Still, Ackles looked interested in all he had to say about his work –high school drama teacher- his family –all great, but living in Texas- his friends –most of them awesome –his dog – _where is she by the… Oh god, Storm no! Stop chewing Jensen’s boot_ \- and his multiple opinions on life in general – _don’t you think Providence gets eerily creepy during the winter?_ \- 

Jared still managed to insert in there somewhere that he was gay, single and twenty-seven years old. The only thing he forgot was to drink his coffee. So, not bad for a first meeting with a man he instantly had a crushed on.

Two years later, they were married and living in Jared’s small house in the suburbs with a fat cat and a boot chewing, or more specifically a Jensen's boot chewing, dog. It seemed like another existence - the days when Mr. Mitten could fit into Storm’s jaw while she licked him until he emerged, mewling and his head entirely wet with saliva. Life was great.

_Chapter 1_

It’s May fifteenth and it looks like spring has forgotten Providence. The leaves are still mere buds, the grass is yellow from the frost and the tulips have yet to open.

Jared sighs, looking up from his pile of essays. He hadn't run for long this morning, had stopped three times for Storm to throw up on the side of the street. She must have eaten some junk again, or maybe she'd caught Jensen’s bug. Anyway, she’s now lying outside, looking all kinds of miserable, while Mr. Mitten rubs himself against her, maybe just to mess with the poor dog. That wouldn’t be a surprise coming from Jensen’s fat cat. It’s hard to remember what a cute little bundle of fur he'd been when Jared first met him.

Hair still wet from the shower, Jared realizes that big drops of water have scattered on one of his student’s papers. He curses and tries to wipe it off. It’s not like he’s actually ruining a potentially award winning piece. This particular class is a difficult one. They love to act and to work on the play - Jared’s _Wizard of Oz_ rendition will probably be the best one in years - but when it comes to theory, they all act like a bunch of illiterates. The essay’s subject is easy enough: _Which character of the Wizard of Oz would you be? Develop_. Jared had barely pronounced the words “character psychology” before the majority of his students began mumbling and pouting like a bunch of five years old.

Todd Reiner, apparently, would be a flying monkey. Jared can’t wait to read his motivation. Wait, no, he can totally wait. Sarcasm. It’s not that funny when your audience only consists of yourself. 

Heavy footsteps coming from the hallway provide another more than welcome distraction. Jensen appears in the kitchen, his hair a mess, wearing only grey cotton sleeping pants and scratching his flat stomach while yawning so wide Jared fears he’ll dislocate his jaw.

Not a morning person, his husband. He doesn’t have to be at the studio before nine and still he manages to make it look like it's indecently early. 

“Good morning, how do you-“ is all Jared manages to say before Jensen’s face gets this greenish white tint and he turns on his heels, running for the bathroom. 

Jared sighs and goes to join him. Sure enough, Jensen in on his knees, puking his guts out in the toilet.

“This has been going on for more than two weeks,” Jared points out, wetting a washing cloth with cold water.

“S’not that b... _Uuug,_ ” Jensen rasps, managing to retch and talk at the same time.

“Jen, god, what’s wrong with getting you a doctor's appointment?”

Jared kneels next to him and hands him the towel. He flushes the toilet while Jensen wipes his face, then his neck.

“Not today. We’ve got three fucking family portraits scheduled. Two with babies,” Jensen groans.

Still, he lays back a little until he’s pressed against Jared’s chest. Jared wraps an arm around him. 

“I’m worried. This, plus the headaches and the dizzy spells. It’s gone on long enough. If we don't make an appointment for you soon, we're going to end up in the ER one of these days.”

“I’m not dying,” Jensen protests. He turns his head to look at Jared. “Tell you what, you try to get me an appointment for sometimes next week. We’ll just cancel it if I get better by then.”

“Mmm. I guess it’s okay.”

Jared’s not satisfied, but he knows Jensen well enough not to insist. His mother henning tendencies have always gotten a little on his husband’s nerves.

“Now, I need some coffee,” Jensen declares.

“You need to brush your teeth, you stink.”

“Love you too.”

“Right.” Jared gets to his feet and helps Jensen up. He already looks better than a few minutes ago and Jared can’t help but kiss the tip of his freckled nose.

“You’re a dork,” Jensen declares, but he smiles and, suddenly, Jared isn't that worried anymore.

“No set?”

“Not just no set. Minimalist. It could be great, leaving everything to the public’s imagination.”

Jared rolls his eyes and stares at his trainee. Osric is the perfect cliché of a young teacher to be, a dangerous mix of naivety, idealism and unrealism. Add to that an almost scary enthusiasm.

“Seriously? I have four students who are supposed to build the props and set. It’s their job. What are they supposed to do if there is no set?”

“Well.” Osric Chau smiles nervously. “Okay, not that good of an idea.”

Jared looks at his watch. The one o’clock class is starting in ten minutes and he still hasn’t corrected all the essays he’s supposed to give back.

“Hey, would you help me with those?” He points at the papers scattered on the desk.

“Sure.” 

Osric sits, still smiling, like Jared has just announced that he’s won the lottery. He will probably be much more indulgent than Jared would have been with the notes but hey, he’s a trainee teacher after all. He has to learn. 

Jared remembers how, when he himself had been in Osric's position, he'd gotten loaded down with all the crap his instructional teacher hadn't wanted to do. Jared now understands how easy it would be to do the same.

“Don’t be too easy on them,” Jared says. “The correction grid is here,” he adds, pulling a piece of paper from under the mound of essays. “You can join me in class with the papers when you're done.”  
“Sure thing, Mr. Padalecki.”

“I told you, it’s Jared.”

“Your phone is ringing,” Osric points out with the same smile.

It's been three weeks since Osric started at the school, and the young man is starting to seriously creep him out.

“I know, thanks,” Jared says as calmly as he can, getting his cell out of his pocket.

“Yeah?”

“Hey Jared it’s Felicia.”

Felicia Day, a pretty red head in her early thirties, is the owner of the photography studio where Jensen works and Jensen’s best friend. 

“Fel? What’s up?”

“Um… Don’t panic but… I’m at the hospital with Jensen.”

“What? Is he okay?” Jared snaps, his stomach churning with worried.

Damn it, he knew Jensen needed to see a doctor.

“Well, yeah, now he is but-“

“Wait-“

Jared covers the phone with his hand. “You’re in charge of the class, Osric, I gotta go.”

The young man blinks at him, then nods. “Okay, no problem, Jared, I’ll just-“

But Jared is already out of his office, talking to Felicia while walking down the hallway.

“What happened?”

“He fainted.”

“What?”

“He's okay now, though. Anyway, I totally panicked and called an ambulance. He like… fainted for maybe a whole minute and he was okay when the paramedics got to the studio. Kind of mad at me for making a fuss, actually.”

“But what's wrong with him?”

“I don’t know. They said he showed signs of dehydration and had low blood pressure and he finally agreed to go with them. He’s fine, now, though. He’s resting, still pissed at me, got an I.V. line and they drew some blood to do a couple tests, but the doctor says it’s probably nothing.”

“Are you at Rhodes Island General?”

“Yep.”

“Be there in twenty minutes.” Jared says, running to his car in the parking lot.

Jensen does look pissed, sitting ramrod straight in the gurney of one of the E.R. cubicles, arms crossed over his chest. Still, he also looks unwell. Jared hadn’t realized how pale he’d gotten lately. The color of the hospital gown –a light blue, doesn’t do anything to improve it. He looks like he’s floating in it. He must have lost some weight too.

Felicia had been waiting for Jared in the ER lobby. “I’m not going back in there,” she had joked before leaving, after making Jared promise to give her an update as soon as he knew anything.

“Hey,” Jared says softly.

Jensen rolls his eyes. “Jesus, don’t talk to me like I’m about to die. I just had a dizzy spell. Felicia totally over reacted.”

Jared nods and clears his throat, sitting on the side of the bed, but restraining himself from stroking Jensen’s arm.

“What did the doctor said?”

“Just a virus, probably. They’re rehydrating me,” Jensen points at the I.V. bag that’s already half empty. “And then when they have the results from the blood tests, they’ll send me home as long as everything is alright.”

“Jen-” Jared sighs.

“I know. Should have gotten an appointment sooner. I don’t feel that bad, I swear. Anyway, I’m sorry for all the fuss.” 

Jensen lowers his eyes and starts playing with the hem of his flannel sheet.  
“Come on, it’s nothing. Just… I want you to rest this weekend, okay?”

“Yeah,” Jensen murmurs like a reluctant child.

Jensen loves his work. When he’s not shooting portraits and weddings for the studio, he likes to just take off with his camera for hours at a time. He’s very independent, doesn’t like Jared to ask where he's going or when he’ll be back. They had some trouble with this when they first started dating. Jared had felt a little rejected, like maybe he was being too clingy, or maybe he was too invested in their relationship. Jensen had reassured him after a night of mind-blowing sex, still panting and sweating, lying on top of him. “You’re fucking perfect, Jay. Don’t ever change. I’ve always been that way. Sometimes, it’s like everything just gets on my nerves and my skin is too tight and I need some time alone, that’s all.”

He had been pretty convincing.

“Mr. Ackles?” 

A young, petite woman with a white coat steps into the cubicle and draws the curtain behind her. 

“Jared this is Dr… um-“

“Hill. I’m Dr. Hill. Are you…?”

“He’s my husband,” Jensen finishes for her a little impatiently. 

“Great,” the woman smiles, looking relieved. “So, Mr. Ackles, we found what's causing all those symptoms you’re experiencing.”

“Is he okay?” Jared can’t help but ask.

Strangely, this puts a smile on the doctor’s lips.

“Yes. As a matter of fact, there is nothing wrong with you, Mr. Ackles, because according to the blood tests we’ve just done, you’re pregnant.”

“What?” Jensen asks in a blank voice at the same time Jared says, “Pregnant like…” as if there could be multiple meanings to this word.

“According to the test, your HCG level is compatible with a twelve week pregnancy.”

Jared’s mouth opens, but he can’t get any words out. It’s like the doctor is suddenly speaking a strange, alien language. 

“I don’t know what the fuck is going on here, but you better redo your test because I can’t be pregnant,” Jensen says in a tone so harsh the young woman actually takes a step back.

It’s unusual for Jensen to swear at someone –someone who’s, basically, a stranger to him. But then again, the shock must have triggered it. Because even though they both know Jensen is a male bearer –he has known since he was a teenager. It’s not exactly something you can ignore- he is actually sterile. He'd told Jared he'd gone through all the tests ten years ago and that, like 30 percent of male bearers, his reproductive system isn’t efficient enough to work properly.

“I can’t have kids. My extra parts don't work very well,” Jensen explains to the Doctor in a softer voice.

“Well, it wouldn’t be the first time a male bearer has been falsely declared sterile,” Dr. Hill says. “The blood test results leave no room for another explanation. Not only are your HCG levels high, but your progesterone level has lowered. And if we factor in the symptoms you’re experiencing…”

“That’s bullshit,” Jensen murmurs.

“Um, I know the shock must be great, Mr. Ackles, but it is what it is. You are pregnant. Now, I’ve scheduled an appointment for you with an androcologist on Monday so you can get an androcologic exam and a sonogram as soon as possible. His name is…”

The rest of the doctor’s explanation is lost in the buzz that’s vibrating between Jared’s ears. Jensen is pregnant. Jensen is pregnant with his child. They’ve talked about adoption before, both agreed it was something they wanted in a not too distant future, but this… Jared starts smiling. This is amazing. This is a small miracle. Hell, this is a huge miracle, considering that, although Jensen and he don’t have assigned roles when they make love, Jared is the one who bottoms most of the time.

“Wow,” he says in awe. “God, we’re going to have a kid, Jen.”

Jensen frowns at him, turning his attention back to Dr. Hill. “Can I go now?”

“As soon as the I.V. drip is finished, you’re free to leave.”

“Great.”

Jensen doesn't sound like he thinks it's that great though.

“Wow,” Jared repeats on the way home. “We… we’re going to have a baby, Jen. It’s…”

Someone on the highway honks at him and, alright, maybe Jared is driving fifteen miles under the speed limit, but he just found out that his previously unable to conceive husband is pregnant. Freaking three months pregnant already, to be exact.

Jared is so excited and overwhelmed he doesn’t realize how quiet Jensen is until they’re almost home. He’s been basically talking to himself.

“Hey, you okay?”

“F’course,” Jensen murmurs, staring outside the window. 

“Jen, you must be shocked right now, but this explains everything that’s been going on with you. I wonder why we never even thought-“

“Because I can’t fucking have kids, Jay, that’s why,” Jensen snaps, more annoyed than angry. “Shit, it’s not like I have a period every month.”

Fair enough. Like most male bearers, Jensen’s ovulations are irregular at best, sometimes even skipping two or three months. The only symptom he sometimes has is a little clear fluid loss. Apparently, it has something to do with male hormones and absorption from the anal walls but hey, Jared’s not an expert. Like most of the boys in his biology class in high school, he spent the part about male mutations making faces and giggling.

“Well, anyway, it’s like a miracle. It’s some kind of miracle, right?”

“Would you stop acting like a freaking teenage girl? My head hurts. And by the way, hold your horses, I’m not betting money on this supposed pregnancy until we see the androcologist, alright?”

There is just a slight hint of desperation in Jensen’s voice. It’s enough for Jared to feel the warmth that had invaded his chest suddenly shift into a chill.

“But you… you want this kid, right? I mean, we both talked about adoption and I thought…”

“I… I just can’t wrap my head around it. Not yet. Jesus, Jared, it’s…”

“Huge. I know. And freaking scary. Can’t wait to tell my mom, she’s gonna-“

“We are not telling anyone about this until we’re sure, do you hear me?”

“Of course.”

“Stop the car or m’gonna puke all over the upholstery.”

It may sound stupid, but this time, witnessing Jensen throw up is practically cute. Morning sickness, Jared thinks, helping him inside the car afterward. _Because he’s pregnant._ He grins like a fool until Jensen tells him he looks retarded.

Felicia is less than thrilled to learn that Jensen won’t be able to do the Saturday wedding because the bride is a bitch and it’s going to rain, she grumbles. To which Jensen, who hates weddings almost as much as she does, only cackles and hangs up. Jared speaks to Osric and finds out he has survived his first hour alone with a bunch of bored teenagers so, all in all, he did well.

Jensen goes to lie down and doesn’t wake up until eight PM. Jared is a bundle of nerves by then. He hopes Jensen has had time to digest the news and is well rested. Enough to be a little excited over the fact that they’re going to be parents.

Sadly, Jensen isn’t in a better mood. He’s not hungry and doesn’t feel like talking. He grabs an orange from the fruit basket and goes to sit on the old leather couch in the living room, wraps a blanket they leave there over his shoulders and turns the TV on to an old Audrey Hepburn movie. Jensen loves his couch, likes to tell the story about how his grandfather gave it to him when he got his first apartment and how it still smells, somehow, like his grandparents’ house. Tonight, though, it’s like he tries to sink into it.

This bothers Jared enough for him to stop thinking about a little boy with Jensen’s wide green eyes and freckles, enough for him to ask himself if his husband actually wants this kid. 

He sits next to him, careful to leave him some space, and they watch ten minutes of the movie in silence. Jared is used to Jensen’s moods and how to deal with them. It's like taming a wild animal. He gets progressively closer until their thighs are brushing, then attempts to wrap his arm around Jensen’s shoulders. To his relief, Jensen settles more comfortably and lays his head back against him.

“Jen?”

“Yeah?”

“I… I’m sorry if I've been acting a little crazy today.”

Jensen snorts. “Come on, don’t be sorry, you overgrown puppy.”

Jared smiles. “I mean, I didn’t stop to ask how you really felt about all this. The baby, do you… You’re the one pregnant and I… “

He just can’t seem to pronounce the words: Do you want it?

“What’s your point?” Jensen asks, not helping at all.

“If you think you’re not ready and-“

Jensen huffs and turns to look at him. He looks exhausted, snappy and scared all at once. “I don’t want to get an abortion, if that’s what you’re trying to say. You… hell, Jay, all I’m asking is a little time to get used to the idea. Is that too much to ask? I’m begging you here, man. I don’t want you to get all excited about this before our appointment on Monday. The way I see things, I’m not considering myself pregnant until I see a freaking sonogram image. All right?”

Jared wants to argue that the blood test and the symptoms are convincing enough, but something in Jensen’s voice forbids him to do so. True, his husband has never seemed especially bothered by the fact that he wasn’t able to bear a child, but maybe, maybe it has been an issue for him at some point. Jensen is thirty. He'd lived a decade of adult life before meeting Jared and, even though they know each other pretty well, they can’t know everything. Maybe there's more to this, something that goes back to when Jensen had first learned he was an infertile bearer. Maybe Jensen had liked the idea that he was a bearer and could have kids until the tests proved otherwise. Maybe he'd been crushed by the news that he wouldn’t be able to.

So, Jared stays where he is on the couch and watches the rest of the movie in silence. 

During the whole weekend, they barely mention the possible pregnancy, except for when Jensen is bent over the toilet puking his guts out. If he’s honest with himself, by Monday, Jared is ready to burst with the need to talk about it. Jensen doesn’t seem to share his nervous enthusiasm though.


	2. Chapter 2

Jared looks at his watch for the tenth time in the last ten minutes. Two twenty. Their appointment is in ten minutes and Jensen is still not here.

The waiting room is quiet. The only other people are a couple sitting in a corner and speaking quietly to each other. Seeing one of the men's protruding belly has somehow shocked Jared. Definitely not a beer belly. It’s round and firm and the man’s shirt is taut over it. Male pregnancies, although not as rare as they were fifty years ago, are still not very common.

Jared tries to picture Jensen with a baby bump, his athletic slim body getting thicker around the middle and his firm muscles getting softer. It’s difficult to imagine, but it’s endearing at the same time.

Jared looks at his watch again. Damn it, Jensen, he thinks, taking his cell phone out of his pocket. His husband is usually on time. Never early, but usually on time. Jared would have already tried calling him, but that morning, Jensen had been in an impatient, snappy mood, which seems to be his default setting since they'd heard the news. Jared had reminded him of the appointment twice and, the second time, Jensen had gotten mad. “Will you stop it? I’m not stupid, Jay, you don’t have to remind me every ten freaking minutes.

So. Yeah. Jared waits until there are five minutes left before their scheduled appointment and then he finally gives in and dials Jensen’s number. It takes three whole rings before he gets an answer.

“Fuck,” is what Jensen says as a salutation.

“What?”

“I forgot, still at the studio.”

“What the hell, Jen?” Jared tries to keep his voice low.

“Sorry, I was wrapped up in editing and… I’m going… See, walking out right now.”

“How could you forget?”

“I’ll be there in ten. It’s not that far.”

Then Jensen hangs up, leaving Jared dumbstruck and a little mad.

If this is the way his husband is going to behave during the pregnancy, Jared’s not sure he’s going to get through this. He just hopes Dr. Collins is running a little behind schedule.

Jensen is just entering the office, face beet red and short of breath, when his name is called. Jared frowns at him.

“I’m here, aren’t I?” Jensen replies.

“How could you-“

“Jay? Let’s not do this now.”

Dr. Collins is a wise looking guy in his mid-thirties with short black hair and bright blue eyes. He starts by asking a series of questions about Jensen's symptoms then takes a look at his blood test results, faxed over by the hospital.

“Yes, definitely pregnant,” he says. “This happens, Mr. Ackles. How old were you when you went through the bearer tests?”

“Nineteen.” 

“Sometimes, after years of an absence of ovulation or functional cycle, it kick-starts for reasons still unknown to us. Some bearers prefer to take a light dosage contraception pill just to be on the safe side.”

“Oh,” Jensen murmurs, his face unreadable.

“So let’s say the ER doctor’s evaluation is correct and you’re about twelve weeks pregnant, that would put the due date at the beginning of December, but we’ll get more info after the ultrasound.”

The first part of the physical exam is less than enjoyable. Jensen’s uterus is palpable and at the correct height for a more or less three months' pregnancy and there is a swelling around his nipples that indicates the milk ducts have started to appear. 

“That’s why they were so sensitive,” Jared says in awe, which earns him a death glare from Jensen.

“Most bearers don’t produce enough milk to go with breast feeding as an exclusive method, but a lot do well with a combination of breast milk and formula as a feeding option. You’ll have to make the decision whether you want to do that or not,” Dr. Collins says matter-of-factly. Then he adds, wincing, “Now I’m afraid we have to do the rectal exam.”

“Fuck,” Jensen says.

“I’m with you there,” the doctor says in sympathy.

Jensen is less than thrilled to have his feet in the stirrups and, when Jared offers to hold his hand, he looks at him as if he’s just declared his undying love for Hitler. It seems uncomfortable, but not too much and it’s over quickly enough. Male bearers have two different canals going from the anus: one for the intestines and one for the reproductive system. Because of this, the sphincter is a little larger than in non-bearer males, and it produces lubricating fluids. This renders the exam quicker and less painful. Everything looks great, according to Dr. Collins, which seems strange when “great” refers to a rectal exam.

Jared is nothing but a bundle of nerves by the time the doctor gets the ultrasound running and Jensen doesn’t seem much better. Usually, he is the calm one between the two, the mature one. He's got so much self-control Jared is sometimes a little jealous, so it’s more than unsettling to see him bite his lips and grab the exam table sheet with so much force. Jared’s not used to this, not used to the way Jensen has kind of avoided looking straight at him since Friday. Jensen is the kind of guy who looks you straight in the eyes, and his soulful green gaze makes you feel like you’re the only thing, the only person who matters to him.

“Let’s see the little one,” Dr. Collins smiles at the both of them while squirting some conducting gel on Jensen’s stomach. 

Jensen hisses. “Cold.”

“Yeah, sorry. Okay, what do we have…”

It takes a couple of minutes before Jared can actually see anything on the screen. It’s fuzzy and moving and suddenly, there's this vague shape of a tiny human being with a giant head that looks like it’s sitting.

“Hey there,” Dr. Collins says.

Jared sits on the bench near the exam table, feeling as though he's on the verge of fainting. His heart is thundering in his chest, his ears are buzzing. There is a baby inside of Jensen. His baby.

“Oh my god,” he babbles.

Jensen is raised on his elbows, mouth wide open. “Shit,” he whispers in a trembling voice.

“Yeah, right?” Dr. Collins smiles widely. “Let me take some measurements”.

“Its head is supposed to be that big?” Jared asks almost shyly.

“Yep.”

“Okay.”

Dr. Collins works with the ultrasound computer and the wand for a little while, mumbling to himself. Then, he lets out a satisfied sigh.

“It’s definitely between ten and twelve weeks and it seems perfectly normal so far. Now, it’s too soon to find out the gender but let’s listen to the heartbeat, shall we?”

And amazingly, a small but perfectly shaped heart is enlarged on the screen, accompanied by a loud: thump-thump-thump-thump that reminds Jared of a galloping horse.

“Jen, that’s his heart,” he whispers, grabbing his husband’s hand.

“Yeah,” Jensen agrees, sounding breathless.

“I’m very satisfied with everything we’ve seen so far, let me check the placenta and then it’s a wrap, boys.”

“I just heard your baby’s heart,” Jared tells Jensen, smiling like crazy.

“I know, I was there,” Jensen deadpans, then gives a tiny, shy smile. It’s a smile nonetheless, and it reassures Jared. He’ll take what he can get.

“What…?” Dr. Collins says in a strained voice.

He freezes and enlarges the image on the screen. Jared can’t make out anything except some grey and white blotches.

“Mr. Ackles, you told me this was your first pregnancy.”

Jared freezes, mouth open wide on another comment about the foetus’ heart. He sees Jensen’s face turn white, except for two red spots under his eyes.

“I…”

“These are scars,” Dr. Collins says almost severely. You had to undergo surgery?”

“What?” Jared barks.

“Fuck,” is all Jensen seems to be able to get out. He lowers his tee-shirt and sits abruptly, pushing the sonogram wand away. “It’s…”

“Jensen, what is he talking about?”

“I need to know this stuff, it’s important,” the doctor adds.

Jensen is taking big gulps of air, his arms wrapped around his middle, his head bent down.

“Hey, whoa, it’s okay,” Dr. Collins says in a soothing voice. “It’s alright, Mr. Ackles.”

“Jensen? You’ve been pregnant before?” Jared asks at the same time because he doesn’t have the slightest idea what the doctor is talking about.

“I… can’t…” Jensen rasps, breathing even louder, deeper.

“Mr. Ackles? Jensen?” Dr. Collins puts both hands on Jensen’s shoulders. “Try to slow your breathing down. It’s just a panic attack, is all. Don’t worry, your uterus has healed well, you can have this baby without any complications.”

Jensen coughs a couple of times. Jared, still sitting on his bench, is unable to digest the information he has just received. He stares at his husband, Mr. calm and composed, having a freaking panic attack and wonders stupidly if it’s contagious because he feels close to a complete freak out himself.

“So… sorry,” Jensen hiccups, concentrating on his breathing. “I…”

“Okay, now listen to me,” the doctor says in the same soothing voice. “This is obviously an important issue for you and something you need to discuss with your husband. Mr. Padalecki, why don’t you go and make an appointment with my secretary for a few days from now? Then, we’ll talk about that first pregnancy.”

Jared stands up like an obedient child. He feels lifeless, like a puppet. Jensen is still panting, but it’s already less acute than a few seconds ago.

“Is that okay with you, Jensen?” Dr. Collins adds.

Jensen nods.

Jared barely has time to schedule another appointment before Jensen joins him, walking slowly, hands in his pockets and eyes fixed on his feet. 

“Let’s go,” is all Jared can say. He doesn’t even know if he’s just confused, or angry, or concerned. Probably a little bit of all three. 

They don’t talk to each other until they reach the parking lot.

“Come with me in my car. We’ll come back to get your car later,” Jared says.

“I can drive,” Jensen replies softly.

“No. You can’t. You just had a panic attack. Come on.”

Jared doesn’t like the coldness of his own voice. Jensen actually flinches, hearing it. He follows without a word and Jared kind of wants to apologize but he just can’t. This is too big.

The ride back home is silent. Jared gets out of the car and doesn’t even wait for Jensen. Storm is waiting in the lobby and she must sense something is wrong because she doesn’t even try to jump on Jared, just lies down and tucks her head between her paws.

Jared gets a glass of water and downs it in one large gulp. Hell, he doesn’t need water. He needs liquor… like, a lot of it.

He only realizes then that Jensen still hasn’t entered the house. Irritated, he goes back outside and sees his husband sitting in the car with his door open, both feet on the ground. Jensen is staring into nothingness.

“Jensen?”

Jensen doesn’t move, doesn’t even blink when Jared steps in front of him.

“Are you coming inside or what?”

“Yeah,” Jensen says very slowly, still not moving.

“Jen, come on, we need to talk.”

“I can’t. Talk about this,” Jensen smiles sadly at Jared and suddenly looks very young, innocent. There is something so deeply hurt and terrible hidden under this smile that Jared feels his anger leave him in an instant. His heart beats a little faster and something hurts inside him too. He crouches in front of Jensen.

“Hey. I’m not mad, okay? I just want to understand. We can do this at your pace, any way you want. Fuck, you’re scaring me Jen.”

“Sorry.”

“No. Stop. Just… come on, let’s get inside.”

Jared takes Jensen’s hand and helps him up. After tensing a little, he follows obediently into the house. It’s like the Jensen Jared knows has disappeared and it’s scary, it’s upsetting.

Jared sits Jensen on the living room couch and lays the blanket over his thighs. He doesn’t know what else to do, except wait.

“There’s a… there’s a small metal box in our bedroom closet. It’s in the old luggage where I keep the pics from my high school photography club. Can you get it?” Jensen asks, his voice distant, but somehow soft at the same time.

“Yeah.”

Jared finds it easily. He's sure he’s never seen it before, but that's not too surprising. He doesn’t know each and every item Jensen owns. They each have the right to their own secret garden, their private space.

Jared gives the box to Jensen and sits next him. His husband’s hands are shaking as they wrap around the old-looking box.

“I’m not sure I can go through with this, but I’ll try,” Jensen tells Jared, his eyes riveted on the wall opposite him. “You have every right to be fucking mad at me and I’m ready to deal with that afterwards, but in the meantime, you gotta let me try to explain without interrupting.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Jensen sighs and opens the box, taking a thin pile of photos out of it. He holds them tight, his knuckles white and fingers rigid.

“So, I lied,” Jensen smiles sadly, head cocked to the side, and how Jared wishes he would look at him, but doesn’t dare to ask, afraid to break the fragile quietness of the moment. “I lied about the reason I couldn’t get pregnant. As for the rest, it’s not so much a lie as an omission of the truth, ya know, which isn’t much better.”

He holds out the first photograph to Jared. It’s a portrait of Jensen, looking young, barely out of his teenage years, with this huge grin on his face, resting his head on the shoulder of another man. The guy he's with is gorgeous: semi-long blond hair, a wide bright smile and blue eyes. They seem happy, without a care in the world.

Jared feels a pinch of jealousy inside of him and tries to tamp it down.

“That’s Steve. Met him in college. I was twenty, he was twenty-three. We were like… crazy in love. Moved in together, made some plans, that kind of stuff.” Jensen says, voice still detached and distant.

He clears his throat and waits a couple of seconds, like he needs to compose himself. “I knew I had a working reproductive system, but when I got pregnant at twenty-three, it wasn’t exactly planned. Still, we were thrilled.”

The second photo is a sonogram image, one very similar to what Jared had seen today except the baby’s shape is more defined, even though the cheap printed image is fading. There’s a handwritten note on the white space bellow it. Jared recognizes Jensen’s regular, tiny hand-writing. “It’s a girl!!!”

“A little girl,” Jared murmurs. He doesn’t know yet what happened to the baby, but this story doesn’t have a happy ending for sure.

“Yeah.” Jensen’s voice almost breaks, but he swallows hard and straightens himself. When he speaks, it’s in a more assured tone. “We moved to a bigger apartment, got everything ready, painted the nursery in pink and, you know… bought all the stuff. We were ready. The pregnancy went on without a problem and it was two days before my due date when the labor started.”

The last photo of the pile is one obviously taken without Jensen’s knowledge. He’s half-sitting, half lying on the same leather couch they’re sitting on right now. He looks delicate and graceful, even with his large and swollen belly. His eyes are closed, long lashes against pale skin. It’s hard to recognize his fit, strong, confident husband in the younger man in this picture.

“You’re gorgeous,” Jared murmurs. He can’t help himself.

Jensen laughs without a hint of joy. He almost looks at Jared, almost, but then he lowers his eyes to the box.

“So, as you’ve probably figured out, everything went to hell during the delivery. It went on for twenty hours, and then the baby was in distress and they had to take her out with forceps. She wasn’t breathing. The umbilical cord was wrapped tight around her neck and even when they freed her it was too late. She never took a breath.”

“Oh god, Jensen, I-“

“M’not done yet,” Jensen cuts him off. His lower lip is shaking and a tear rolls down his left cheek. He doesn’t seem to realize it.

“Sorry.”

“So then I couldn’t push the placenta out and I was bleeding and they had to rush me into surgery. When they took me out, Steve was crying and there was this whole team trying to resuscitate the baby. And huh… I remember waking up afterwards and hoping, you know, that everything was fine, that Steve would be there waiting for me, smiling like a proud new dad with our baby girl in his arms, but he was empty handed, and still crying. Then I knew.”

Jensen hiccups suddenly and a sob rips through his throat. He clenches his jaw to try and keep it in, but the outburst is so violent he can’t do it and has to bend over himself, gulping air in as the tears start falling from his eyes. It’s an ugly, visceral noise that fills the air. Jared can’t decide if he should take Jensen in his arms or let him get it out. His husband never cries. He had shed a tear on their wedding day, as they were exchanging their vows, but that is the only occasion in Jared's memory. 

Jared remembers one evening in particular. They had caught a documentary on TV about kids in India living in dumps. It had been almost unbearable to watch, really heartbreaking, and half an hour in, Jared had been bawling like a baby. Afterwards, he had turned to Jensen who’s eyes were still dry. “How can you not cry watching this?” He’d asked. “I never cry. I’m dead inside,” Jensen had deadpanned, making Jared smile and lightening the atmosphere. 

It doesn’t seem funny at all right now.

“They… I…” Jensen wipes his eyes impatiently and tries to calm down without any results. “They told me I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant again because there was some damage done to the uterus. I kind of flipped out.”

Another crying fit shakes Jensen’s body and when Jared can’t help but try to rub his arm, Jensen softly pushes him away while giving him the metal box. 

What’s left in there is a very small strand of soft looking light brown hair, tied with a ribbon. There is also a piece of paper with a tiny foot print in navy blue ink. Jenna Rae Carson-Ackles, it reads below it, this time definitely not in Jensen’s handwriting.

“The hospital, they do this sometimes with a stillborn, so that you can have some sort of closure, a souvenir or I don’t know. Must be some psychological bullshit.”

“I’m so, so sorry, baby.” Jared can’t even take the tiny lock of hair or the footprint in his hands, too afraid of damaging them somehow. 

Jensen sniffs. He seems a little calmer, although he’s still crying. “Well, I got hit with acute postpartum depression and huh… I kind of went in a catatonic state for a couple of days. Came back to myself in the psychiatric ward. I was a mess. Tried to hang myself with the sheets of my bed, it was pathetic. Steve was… Hell, he was devastated, couldn’t really be there for me. He was the one they asked if he wanted to hold our dead daughter and then was told that his boyfriend was freaking catatonic. Anyway, I was dosed up on some powerful medication so I don’t really remember the next couple of weeks.”

“Oh, Jen.”

“Fuck, don’t Jen me,” Jensen tries to laugh it off, but it comes out as another choked-up sob. “It was over between Steve and I even though I didn’t figure that out until later. When I got permission to leave the hospital, he didn’t take me home, but to my parent’s. Jenna was already buried in the cemetery. I had missed it. Steve left me those… souvenirs, the hair and footprint. All my stuff was already packed and waiting for me. He… he said he couldn’t stand being in our apartment, with all the baby stuff. He had sub-rented it. Shit, can you get me a tissue or somethin’?”

Jared complies without a word, grabbing a tissue box and a glass of water for Jensen at the same time. He murmurs a raspy “Thanks” and drinks eagerly before wiping his face. He looks damaged in a way Jared would never have guessed his husband could be.

“That's kind of the end of the story, I guess. I stayed with my parents for a year. Postpartum depression is a bitch. My parents, they never got that it wasn’t a matter of will. Thought all I had to do was kick myself in the ass and move on, but I couldn’t.”

That explains a lot, Jared thinks. Jensen’s parents live in a small town not even half an hour away from Providence, but despite their physical closeness, Jensen doesn’t see them often. There’s an awkwardness Jared has always felt when they met, a distance. He knows Jensen is close to his siblings, though. Sadly, his older brother Joshua lives in Florida and his younger sister, Mackenzie, is somewhere in Africa helping to build a hospital. Despite this, not a week passes without them communicating one way or another. 

“Steve kept calling me to ask how I was doing, but I was still in love with him and it was too hard for me so I asked him to stop.” Jensen goes on. “That’s it… Eventually, I got better, moved on with my life. Found that the only way I could function was to pretend like nothing had happened. Nothing at all. I stopped seeing my friends from before and found another job –that’s when Felicia hired me. Nobody knows, not even her, Jay. And… I know it’s not healthy, but it was my way of coping and eventually, the more I told myself I was okay, the more I really felt okay. It’s… I try to shove any thoughts about Steve and our little girl as deep as I can.”

“Jen,” Jared tries softly. “You must have known you wouldn’t be able to keep this from me forever.”

“Why not?” Jensen snaps back. “Why the hell not? I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant again. What are the odds? When I met you, Jay, I felt alive, really alive, for the first time in years. I thought about telling you, but just imagining getting the words out hurt so damn much. You know the day of our wedding? Josh asked me if you knew, and I told him that if he ever tried to mention it in front of you I’d cut him off. It’s crazy, and it’s messed up, but I was so freaking scared that talking about it would bring back the depression. It’s hard to explain to someone who’s never suffered from it, but it’s so hard, so hard just to keep on going, even with the meds. It’s the worst thing that has ever happen to me and… I don’t ever want to feel like that again.”

“I would’ve helped. We’re a couple, Jensen. We… I mean, I love you and-“

“I love you too!” Jensen replies, tears pooling in his eyes all over again. “I love you so fucking much and now I’ve lost you and it’s… I can’t… I never wanted to hurt you, I’m a stupid, stupid man and…”

A sob cuts him off. Jared takes the metal box away, careful to replace the photos in it and to close it properly. Jensen tries to curl in on himself, hands on his face to staunch the tears, but he can’t. This time, Jared doesn’t even hesitate. He pulls his husband against his chest and hugs him tight. It hurts, seeing him in so much pain. All Jared wants is to take it away, to sooth it. He can’t be mad, or disappointed, or hurt that he never knew about this part of Jensen’s life. All he wants is to have him back.

Jensen tenses but eventually lets go, sobbing without restraint in Jared’s arms. Jared brushes his fingers through Jensen’s hair. He knows how much he likes it, how soothing it is for him.

“You didn’t lose me, baby, okay? Do you understand? We’ve got a lot of stuff to deal with, but I’m not going to leave you. Never,” Jared whispers, discovering as he speaks that he believes every single word he’s saying.

“I’m so sorry I fucked up. Sorry I… l-lied,” Jensen hiccups, grabbing Jared's shirt and holding it in a fist.

“We’ll figure this out, alright? We’ll figure this out together, Jen.”

Jared is crying as well, which isn’t that surprising. Tears always come easily for him and it’s heartbreaking, having Jensen break down in his arms, something he never thought could happen. He rubs soothing circles on Jensen's back with his free hand and waits for it to pass, kissing the top of his head, murmuring sweet nothings. Eventually, Jensen’s sobs become less violent, his breathing evens out. Jared’s shirt, where his husband’s face is pressed, is warm and wet. He doesn’t stop speaking to him until Jensen's tears taper off.

Then the living room is silent, except for Jensen’s occasional hiccups. Jared pulls away a little and takes Jensen's face between his hands. He’s a mess, eyes swollen to the point of being almost shut, skin red and damp. Jensen tries not to look at him through his clumped eyelashes, but Jared insists and finally, his swollen, painful green eyes locked into his own.

“No more talking right now. I’m not mad and you need to rest.”

“M’freaking terrified of this new pregnancy.” Jensen’s voice is broken and harsh.

“Well, let’s take it one step at a time. When we go back to see doctor Collins we’ll talk about this.”

“I don’t want to go through that again. I mean… I can’t lose another baby. I can’t, Jay.”

“You won’t. Now stop thinking so hard. I want you to lie down and sleep a little.”

Jensen nods but doesn’t make a move to stand up, only gets with the program when Jared takes his hand and guides him to their bedroom. He lowers the blanket and sheets while Jensen undresses until he's down to his boxer briefs. For the first time, Jared allows himself to look at his belly. He doesn’t see much change. Jensen’s abs are usually flat and firm –not defined like Jared’s because he’s not obsessed by working out and running - but still, he likes to be in good shape.

Maybe his stomach looks softer, a little less firm than usual. Or maybe Jared is imagining the whole thing.

“Come on,” he says, patting the mattress like his mom used to do to him. “Up.”

Jensen nods and lies on his side, knees bent, his hands tucked between his thighs. Jared has rarely seen him take this position. Jensen likes to be on his belly, arms stretched out, taking up as much space as he can.

Jared pulls the covers up.

“You aren't gonna lie down with me?” Jensen slurs, his eyelids already drooping. 

“I’ll join you later.”

“A’right.”

When he’s sure Jensen is well on his way to an exhausted sleep, Jared locks himself in the bathroom and has his own little freakout. 

What now? He asks himself silently, staring at his reflection in the mirror.

What now?


	3. Chapter 3

Jensen, although still shaken by his breakdown earlier, is mostly himself when he wakes up. He and Jared talk a little. Jensen doesn’t want him to tell anybody about the new baby, not yet. He agrees that Dr. Collins should have access to his medical file so that he has a better understanding of what happened when his daughter died, to her and to him. He had been living in New York at the time, although their daughter is buried here in Providence where both of their families come from.

They don’t really address the issue of the whole - lying and hiding stuff from Jared. He’s still not sure how he feels about that, but is certain Jensen is just one angry remark away from breaking down all over again.

Their next appointment is on the twentieth of May. Dr. Collins wants to be sure he's received Jensen’s complete medical file before seeing them again. It seems an eternity away.

Jared holds it together for the next couple of days, respects Jensen’s silence and his need for space. Jensen isn't really subtle about it. Although he tries his best to act like his old self, his eyes are haunted, darker than usual, and Jared can almost see the swirls of guilt, hurt and fear in them.

The day before the appointment, Jared calls his best friend, Daneel. They’ve known each other since high school and they used to talk to or see each other every day before Jared met Jensen. Coincidentally, three months later, Daneel had started going out with a guy with whom she now lives and they are crazy in love. “It was written in the stars,” She likes to joke. They’ve always been strangely synchronized.

Jared needs to talk. He’s about to go crazy. They decide to meet for lunch halfway between the veterinarian clinic where she’s working and Jared’s school.

Jared shoves his salad in his mouth without even tasting it, listening to Daneel’s last news – she and Matt are thinking about buying a house, her mother has just had a Botox injection that now makes her look constantly surprised - and when she shuts up suddenly, staring at Jared intently, he knows he’s seconds away from spilling everything.

“Okay, what’s going on? You aren't laughing at my jokes and you’re eating a freaking salad instead of a giant plate of something with meat.”

“Jensen’s pregnant,” Jared says in a rush.

Daneel’s mouth opens wide for two long seconds. She quickly tries to regain her composure, though.

“But I thought he couldn’t get pregnant.”

“Well, we were wrong. He could. He’s already twelve weeks along.”

“Oh my god!” Daneel practically yells, indifferent to the other people eating their lunches at nearby tables. She stands up and gives Jared a ferocious hug, then a loud kiss on each cheek. “Congratulations! You guys must be thrilled.”

“Well, we are, sort of.”

“Oh.”

Daneel sits back down and waits for Jared to go on. He tells her everything, keeping to the raw facts and doing a good job of staying calm all the while. It’s only when he describes Jensen’s break down that he realizes how upset he really is. 

“It was like I had a stranger in front of me. Never saw him like that before. It was heartbreaking, but it was scary too, Danni. You know how he is, always in control, like nothing can really surprise or upset him and then…”

“Well,” Daneel says slowly, chewing on her bottom lip with her teeth. “He did have a damn good reason to be upset.”

“I know that, and I love him, that hasn’t changed. But… I don’t know how to act around him right now. He tries, but he’s barely holding it together and… I don’t think I’m mad at him, for lying and not telling me about this freaking important part of his life. I’m upset, f’course. I get it, but I’m upset.”

“Did you tell him how you feel?”

Jared drops his fork. His salad is doing funny things to his stomach. “No. I don’t want him to worry about me right now. Still… I opened myself up to him. Completely. He knows everything about me. He even knows about Mr. Henry and how he kept touching my ass during gym in the tenth grade.”

“The dick.”

Daneel still isn’t over that. The gym teacher in question has been fired after her sister had complained that he had tried to look down her tee-shirt while she was doing sit-ups.

“Yeah. Pervert.”

“Anyway, I get what you mean, Jay. But… Jensen, he didn’t tell you, not because he didn't want to or because he doesn't love you – at least that’s not how it sounds to me. He didn’t tell you because he couldn’t, in a way. It was just too painful for him.”

“Yeah, but let's say he wasn’t pregnant right now. Let’s say he never got pregnant again, we would live our whole lives without me ever knowing about his stillborn baby.”

“You can’t say that,” Daneel objects. “You can’t be sure. You keep telling me he’s The One, the love of your life, but you guys have only known each other for two years. That’s not very long.”

“But do I know him? Do I know him at all?”

Jared realizes he sounds insecure and emotional, but hell, that’s how he feels. Besides, Daneel knows him too well to pretend in her presence.

“Don’t do this,” she says softly, pressing his hand. “You know the essentials. He’s a great guy, Jared, and if now he appears a little less flawless, well...it just makes him more human.”

Lunch is over too soon and, afterwards, Jared swears Daneel to secrecy, which she does solemnly as they part. He feels a little better, but he knows he won’t be able to really look forward to this pregnancy until they get past the next doctor's appointment.

This time, they’re Dr. Collins first appointment of the day and they almost don’t make it in time because Jensen is struck by a nasty case of morning sickness. Jared doesn’t know if the pregnancy is the only cause for it because Jensen is a wreck, so nervous he can’t even hold a conversation.

In the car, Jared asks him what Felicia thinks of his recent absences, which makes him snap.

“I don’t fucking know what she thinks! I've been babbling about this imaginary flu virus, but I can tell she doesn’t buy it, okay? There, happy?”

Jared doesn’t even have time to answer because Jensen is shaking his head, hands covering his face.

“Jesus, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Jay. I just…”

“It’s okay.”

“Stop saying that everything is okay! Nothing is. You don’t have to be so nice to me. I lied, I made you believe a bunch of lies and you didn’t deserve it.” Jensen is back to yelling.

“Okay,” is all Jared can think of saying. He’s at a loss as to how to deal with his husband right now.

Jensen doesn’t answer, just hits the passenger door window with his fist. Jared can’t even tell if it’s a good thing or not.

Luckily, since they’re right on time, they don’t have any waiting to do which might have led to a real fight.

Dr. Collins smiles reassuringly at them as they sit in front of his desk. 

“How are you guys doing?” He asks, which is the most awkward question in the world right now. For Jared at least.

“Fine,” Jensen finally murmurs to fill the silence.

“Okay, so I examined the file you had sent over from your first pregnancy, Mr. Ackles, as well as the baby’s and I talked to your previous androcologist so I can have a better understanding of what happened last time.”

“And?” Jared asks, literally sitting on the edge of his chair.

“And it’s a sad thing to say, considering what Mr. Ackles went through last time, but what happened really wasn't caused by any one thing. It was a series of things that all went wrong in such a way as to cause a truly tragic event. You didn't do anything wrong and, since each of those unfortunate events is unusual, there is no reason for it to happen again this time." 

“What do you mean?” Jensen asks, both of his hands gripping the arms of his chair.

“Your little girl was healthy, Mr. Ackles. There were no malformations, no genetic defects. Her death can be solely attributed to her difficult birth. I don’t want to go into details, but the baby’s distress was caused by the duration of the expulsing phase coupled with the fact that the umbilical cord was very long and got wrapped three times around her neck.”

“Yeah, that’s what they-” Jensen’s voice breaks and he lowers his head.

“I’m sorry to remind you of those events,” Dr. Collins says, eyes so expressive it’s like he himself is about to break into tears. “But that’s good news. As for the surgery you needed, a small part of the placenta wasn’t expelled properly and that caused a lot of bleeding. After the surgery, there were some thick scars left in the uterus and it’s true that they made it almost impossible to conceive, but if you had gone to your androcologist for regular follow-ups, you would have known that the scars had healed especially well and that you were capable of having another baby.”

“So it’s… it won’t happen again?” Jensen asks, voice more firm.

“Well, I can’t predict the future, but I can guarantee you that I’ll take all possible precautions for it not to happen again, how’s that?”

Jensen bursts out laughing. It explodes in the room while his eyes shine with unshed tears. He turns toward Jared and looks at him in that way Jensen has of making him feel so damn important.

Jared smiles too, so relieved to see the anxiety leave Jensen’s features.

“One last thing,” Dr. Collins interrupts, looking serious all of a sudden. “I… I would like to suggest that you see a psychiatrist on a regular basis during your pregnancy.”

“Why?” Jensen immediately tenses again.

“Listen, the postpartum depression you went through was very severe. There was a catatonic episode, a suicide attempt. I think you even received a couple of electroshock sessions if I read your file properly?”

“Thanks you so much for mentioning it,” Jensen snarls, blushing violently.

Misha Collins shakes his head. “None of this is something that you should be ashamed of. Depression is just like any other illness or disease, like having pneumonia, or diabetes. You wouldn’t be ashamed of that, would you?

“No, I wouldn’t,” Jensen cuts impatiently. “But try to explain that to the rest of the world.”

“I hope you aren't including me,” Jared feels the need to say, “because I would never think of you as weak, or just too lazy to get better, okay?”

He grabs Jensen’s hand firmly and doesn’t let go, even when his husband tries to pull away.

“I know this woman who’s really great and she specializes in mental illness during and after a pregnancy. Her name’s Genevieve Cortese. I can schedule an appointment so you can see her quickly.”

Jensen bites his lips, cocking his head to the side, like he always does when he's thinking hard.

“I think you should do it. I think it would reassure you.” Jared says softly.

“And you?” Jensen replies coldly.

“Well, yeah, of course it would reassure me. We’re going to have a baby, Jensen, and I don’t want you to suffer through the entire pregnancy because of the horrible thing that happened last time. I want you to be okay with all this, to be happy. Is that a bad thing?”

Jensen looks apologetic. He’s about to speak when Dr. Collins adds, “Plus, what I’m about to say isn’t to scare you but, statistically, pregnancy can trigger some or the same mental symptoms you’ve already suffered. You’re more vulnerable.”

“Okay,” Jensen says impatiently. “Okay, I’ll do it.”

“Great. Now, let’s talk about the fun stuff. Blood work, diabetes test, vitamin supplements, acid reflux, constipation, weight gain and all the wonderful stuff that comes with a pregnancy.”

Dr. Collins’ smile is contagious. Jensen tries to remain serious, but the corners of his mouth twitch upward, and right at that moment, Jared thinks they will be alright.

Now that they know this pregnancy is the real thing and that it’s healthy, Jensen’s attitude changes from quiet anxiety to overwhelmed excitement. On the way back from their appointment, he takes his cell phone and makes a call. Jared has no idea of who he’s calling until he hears him say, “Hey mom? Yeah, it’s Jen. Yeah how are… Okay, wait, got something to tell you. I’m pregnant. “

Jared almost crashes their car into the one in front of him, hearing those casual words. Jensen waits and listens, rolling his eyes and trying to cut his mother off.

“No… Yeah, it’s… the scars have healed well. We… yes I do. Twelve weeks. I know. Mom… oh, gotta go, call you back later.”

Jensen ends the call on this and sighs deeply.

“Dude, warn a guy,” Jared says. “It’s… That was a little brutal.”

“Yeah well, I knew my parents wouldn’t be happy with it, so now it’s done and I feel better.”

“Come on, I’m sure-“

“Jay. They think I’m this weak, fragile thing ready to collapse at the first gust of wind. You want to tell the good news to your mom in a more fun way, I’m with you there. Just… don’t ask me to try to convince my parents I can do this, okay?”

“…Okay. We can log on Skype tonight and tell mom and dad together.”

“Whatever you want.”

“And I can call my brother once we’re home?”

“Yes, Jay.”

“How are you gonna tell Felicia?”

“With words, dumbass,” Jensen smiles. “She already knows something’s up with me. I think she suspects something serious, like cancer or some other life threatening disease.”

“God, the poor girl.”

“I'll call her right now.”

“What? No! You want us to have a car accident? It’s better to tell her face to face, anyway.”

“Okay.”

Jensen hums, looking out the window.

“Hey, Jen?”

“What?”

“You sure you’re alright?”

“No,” Jensen says softly. “But I think I will be.”

“We’re gonna have a baby,” Jared lets out, finally, finally allowing himself to be excited about this.

“I think we are.”

“I’m gonna be a dad.”

“Yes. Now, concentrate on the road, babe, you’re in the wrong lane.”

“Jesus!” Jared swears, getting his car back in the correct lane.

Jensen laughs.

Two days later, everyone knows. Jared can’t cross a hallway at school without being clapped on the back by a colleague, his mother already has plans to fly to Rhodes Island around Jensen’s due date to help and Felicia is, according to Jensen, “annoyingly protective”. She doesn’t even want him to climb on the short stools they use to adjust the lights of the studio and has forbidden him from using the dark room until he asks his doctor if there is any possible danger for the baby with the chemicals.

Jensen seems very nervous and a bit anxious, but their second appointment with Dr. Collins has definitely helped him. He’s supposed to have his first meeting with the psychiatrist the next Monday and, although he grumbles a little about it, he does seem determined to go through with it.

The night following their appointment, they make love for the first time in a week. It’s intense, different from their usual sexual relationship. Jensen rides Jared with slow, deep motions, his head tilted backward, his cock hard and leaking, the head almost purple. He drags it out as long as he can, groaning softly while Jared just holds on and tries not to come too soon. They exchange a litany of dirty words and love vows and, when Jensen’s rhythm begins to falter, when he wraps his own hand around his cock, Jared puts one hand on his belly and leaves it there, marveling at the fact that there is a baby inside, a baby coming from the both of them.

Jensen isn’t usually loud, but when he comes, he lets out a low, harsh scream that makes the fire burning in Jared’s stomach blaze. He comes too, grunting through it.

“I love you,” he pants.

“I’m sorry,” Jensen answers, collapsing on him, nuzzling his face in Jared’s neck.

“Don’t be. We’ll work through this.”

Jensen nods.

Saturday is May 25. It’s hard to think that, not even ten days ago, Jared had been vaguely worried about Jensen’s health and his only other concerns were about his too enthusiastic teacher trainee and his Wizard of Oz production. 

It’s a beautiful day outside. Jensen isn’t sick that morning and eats two eggs with the fresh croissants Jared had bought at the bakery nearby. He does complain about how coffee would have made this breakfast perfect, but Jared makes him a cup of hot chocolate to shut him up.

After they’re both finished and done with cleaning the kitchen, Jensen asks Jared if he has any plans for the day with this somewhat mysterious expression on his face.

“Mow the lawn,” Jared says. “That’s it.”

“Okay, so…” Jensen scratches the back of his head. “There's… I want to go somewhere and I want you to come with me.”

“Can you be less precise?” Jared jokes.

Jensen blushes and shoves both of his hands in his jeans pockets. That’s when Jared realizes the button of his pants isn’t fastened.

“Oh, you can’t close your jeans anymore,” he wonders. “Wow, is that where you want to go? To buy paternity clothes? Jesus, this is getting way too real for me, Jen, but it’s awesome, I can’t-“

“Hey, relax,” Jensen holds one hand up, seeming slightly annoyed. “Okay yeah, I need new clothes but that’s not what this is about.”

“Sorry.”

“I want to go to Rosebush Cemetery,” Jensen says.

His features are suddenly strained and his eyes lowered on the floor.

“Oh.” Jared drops the rag on the counter and takes a step toward his husband. “Is that…”

“Where Jenna’s buried. I… I’ve never been.” Jensen murmurs. “I’ve never been and always hated myself for it, but now you’re with me and I feel it’s something I should do, and something you should be part of,” he says quickly, chewing on his lower lip.

“Okay.”

“I… I know it doesn’t make up for the fact that I lied to you, but-“

“You don’t have to make it up to me,” Jared cuts him off softly, wrapping one arm around Jensen’s waist. “I get it, Jen, I get that it wasn’t about me. And now we’re in this together, all the way. I’ll go with you, of course I’ll go.”

It’s Jared’s idea to stop by the florist and, by then, Jensen is so nervous he can’t even get out of the car. Jared decides on a spray of white and pink delphinium, barely listening as the florist tells him it means open heart, lightness and levity.

The cemetery is quiet, only a few people walking along the paths. It’s the beginning of the afternoon, small clouds cover the sun, but it’s still warm.

Jensen knows where the plot is, even if he’s never been. 

“My brother wanted to take me once. I’ve been as far as the front gate,” Jensen says.

They’re already past the front gate and, although Jensen is walking slowly, pressing Jared’s hand in his own with enough strength for it to be painful, he looks like he’s holding his own. Jared doesn’t turn his eyes away from him. Jensen rarely looks this vulnerable, but he’s more gorgeous than he’s ever been, eyes wide and unsure, mouth slightly open. He’s still pale, even though the morning sickness doesn’t seem to plague him that often anymore, and his freckles are standing out, giving him a young and innocent appearance only enhanced by his long, dark lashes.

Jared’s never loved someone as much as he loves Jensen, not even close. His throat constricts with emotion as he tries to imagine how it must feel to lose a baby you didn’t even have time to hold, or to hear that first cry that means life.

“Third row, last one in the back,” Jensen murmurs, taking the right path.

“You okay?”

“Fuck no,” Jensen laughs nervously.

Less than a minute later, he stops all of sudden and points to a small tombstone under the cover of a tall oak tree.

“Yeah, she’s buried there.”

“You wanna come closer?”

“I don’t… I’m not… Maybe this was a bad idea, Jay, I’m not sure I can.”

Jensen looks around him nervously, like he’s scared someone is going to pop out at him from nowhere. It’s heart-breaking, seeing the way he tries to keep going, shifting from one foot to the other, and at this point, Jared acts on instinct.

“Hey, Jensen, you don’t have to go if you can’t. Nothing says you have to.”

Jensen shakes his head, still avoiding Jared’s eyes.

“I dragged you here.”

“I’m glad you did. I’ll just go and leave those flowers at her gravesite, alright? You can stay here and watch me or go back to the car.”

Without waiting for an answer, Jared walks the few feet to Jensen’s daughter's tombstone. The grass has been mowed recently but there are wild flower growing all around: buttercups and red clovers, mostly. The inscription on the stone is very simple: _In memory of our beloved daughter, Jenna Rae Carlson-Ackles._ There is only a year written underneath. Jared crouches and swallows his tears.

A dried bouquet lies on the ground in front of it. He wonders briefly who puts it there. Steve, maybe? He takes it off and gently arranges the delphiniums in its place. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do here, but still feels the need to touch the tombstone with the tips of his fingers.

“Hey, Jenna Rae,” he murmurs. “I’m Jared, your dad’s husband.”

He feels ridiculous speaking aloud, but at the same time, it seems right.

“I’m gonna take good care of him, don’t you worry.”

That's the most important thing, right there, and Jared realizes how much of himself he's putting into this promise to a child who never had the chance to live. 

He doesn’t know if minutes or seconds have passed when he hears hesitant footsteps behind him.

“I don’t remember her,” Jensen hiccups and, when Jared turns back, he sees his husband already crying, his hand covering his mouth to try and stem the flow of tears. Jared stands up and takes his free arm, pressing it lightly.

“What do you mean?”

“I… She came out and they took her away to try and resuscitate her, and… and Steve was there, he saw her, but all I remember is a tiny purplish body… and I started feeling dizzy and everybody was yelling and I cried for her but they rush me out of there… and then… I woke up and it was all over… Shit…”

Jensen sways on his feet and doesn’t bother trying to resist, just falls slowly to the ground and shoves his head in his hands, shaking with the strength he puts into getting himself under control.

Jared follow suit and wraps an arm around his shoulder. The ground is a little wet, a sudden gust of wind blows through the cemetery, messing Jensen’s hair. He shakes harder.

“It… it’s like I never r-really had her, I f-fucking felt her moving all through the pregnancy, and m-my belly used to shake when she hiccupped and then… then I woke up and she w-whu-was gone.”

“I’m so sorry, so sorry, baby. No one should have to suffer through that.”

Jensen lifts his head and there is annoyance in his damp eyes. He takes a long, shuddering breath. “It’s been seven years, Jay, and I can’t get over it. What does that say about me? The only way I could go on was to act like it didn’t happen at all, and she doesn’t deserve that. She was my daughter and I act like she never existed!”

“Don’t do this to yourself, Jen. She’s always been with you.”

Jensen shakes his head and holds his hand out until he’s touching the tomb. “I’m so, so sorry, sweetie,” he rasps before another harsh sob tears his throat. 

Jared fears this is going to turn in another panic attack and he doesn’t have the expertise of Dr. Collins. He feels like he’s losing control himself so he starts talking because if there's one thing he can do, it's talk.

“When you were pregnant with her, did you imagine what she would look like?”

“F’course. I did all those cheesy things you see in movies about pregnancy. I… I hoped she’d have Steve’s eyes and his smile and he was sure she would be ginger because we both have this fair complexion and he was kind of ginger when he was young and…”

“Your beard is as well when you let it grow out,” Jared completes, smiling. “We’ll get all that stuff this time, Jensen. It won’t make up for the loss of Jenna, but you’ll get to hold your baby in your arms.”

“She would be six years old,” Jensen whispers, and even though it doesn’t seem like he's listening to Jared, his breathing is evening out. His body slowly relaxes and he settles so that he can lay back against Jared, resting his head in the crook of his neck. He’s still crying, but he is calmer.

“She would.”

“I wanted her to play soccer. And take dance lessons. And all those stupid things you imagine your kid doing.”

“Well, our daughter – or son - will play baseball.”

“No he won’t,” Jensen replies playfully, even though tears are still flowing down his reddened cheeks.

“Why the hell not?”

“Because all the kids play baseball. Our kid is going to do something more original. Like-“

“Karate.”

“Karate? Really?” Jensen cocks his head so that he can look at Jared and, this time, he’s smiling for real, this bright smile of his, with his eyes crinkling. “You are one weird dude.”

“Or ice hockey.”

“Shut up!” Jensen bursts out laughing then, the sound traveling through his chest to reverberate against Jared’s and he laughs too because it feels good. Sometimes it’s as simple as that.

“I’m glad you came with me. I’m glad to be here,” Jensen says quietly after a few seconds of almost comfortable silence.

He bends toward the tombstone and traces the name of his daughter with his fingers. “Love you, baby girl,” he murmurs almost inaudibly.

This, what they’re doing right now, it’s a step. Jared thinks it’s a good, important step, meaning they can move forward and that they’re in this together, truly, for the first time in two years. The sting of having been kept in ignorance is gone and all that’s left is hope for the months to come.


	4. Chapter 4

The wand slides over Jensen’s slightly swollen stomach. Jared is so excited he won’t stop grinning. He’s shifting his weight from one foot to the other and shaking his head like he always does to keep his hair out of his face. It’s not really effective. Never has been.

Jensen feels his heartbeat accelerate and takes a deep, controlled breath. _It’s not gonna move,_ he can’t help but think. _It’s not gonna move and Dr. Collins will tell us that-_

Stop it.

“There it is," Dr. Collins says. “Sucking its thumb, can you see?”

He enlarges the image on the screen and yes, Jensen can see the profile of his baby with its arm bent toward its mouth and its hand looking like it’s half shoved in it. 

“God,” Jared hisses, like he’s in pain or something.

Jensen smiles, but can’t seem to relax completely. He nods at each new piece of information the androcologist gives them, answers Jared’s amazed comments and wonders if what he feels is happiness. It is, in a way, but it’s perverted, like there is something terribly wrong with this feeling, like he shouldn’t let himself feel this way.

“It’s really looking like a full eighteen week pregnancy, Jensen,” Collins tells him after he takes some measurements. “Or it’s going to be a giant baby,” he adds, smiling.

“Well, have you seen my husband?” Jensen jokes, waving his hand toward Jared. He doesn’t really find this funny, though. The voice in his head can’t shut up. What if the baby’s too big? What if it’s not normal? What will happen if…

God if he could just stop thinking and enjoy the moment.

“Now let’s see if we can determine the gender.”

“Oh god,” Jared repeats because, apparently, being in an androcologist office severely reduces his vocabulary.

The wand moves and presses harder against Jensen’s stomach. His bladder is full and it’s more than uncomfortable. He wonders if this could hurt the baby, poking at it so hard. It’s ridiculous. Somewhere in his logical mind, he knows this, but emotionally, none of what he knows for a fact seems to count when it comes to his pregnancy.

“…girl.”

“What? A little girl! Jensen, we’re going to have a little girl!”

He must have missed something because Jared is crushing him in his arms and kissing him and it feels good. Always feels good to have his husband so close to him.

“It’s a girl,” Jensen repeats, feeling a little stupid coming out of his stupor. 

The ultrasound is over. Dr. Collins prints some images and gives him a towel to wipe his belly. “Yes, it’s a girl, congratulations you guys,”

Jensen smiles and lets Jared devour him with another kiss. It’s a girl. Another girl. It’s nice. Is it bad that he wishes it was a boy this time? Just to distance himself as much as possible from the first pregnancy. A little girl. That’s what he'd wanted when he found out he was pregnant so many years ago. Steve had wanted it to be a boy, but not with as much intensity as Jensen's hopes.

It was like he’d known, right from the start, that the baby would be a girl.

He blinks a little when they get back to Dr. Collins’ office. It’s June fifteen and the sun is shining through the opened curtains. It’s been hot and dry for the past eight days and, although Jensen’s pregnancy is only starting to show, he feels the effects of the changes his body’s going through. His ankles are swollen when he gets home from work in the evenings and he’s frequently a little short of breath. He works long days. Jared would like him to take it easy, but spring and summer are always the busiest seasons for photographers with the weddings and the possibility for outdoor family portraits. Jensen intends to take his paternity leave come September. Until then, he’s not sick, he’s pregnant. He can deal with a little discomfort.

Dr. Collins talks about weight gain and blood test results – everything is satisfactory so far. Jensen’s iron level is a little low, which is pretty common during pregnancies. It’s not enough to prescribe iron pills. He just gives him a list of iron rich foods and talks about doing another blood test in a month. 

“Six pounds is not that much,” Jared says about Jensen’s weight because, apparently, he can’t wait for him to swell up and get fat.

“It’s enough,” Jensen sighs.

“It is, the doctor agrees. “Anyway, all we have is your husband’s weight after three months of pregnancy. Since we don't have a record of his weight before he got pregnant, it's difficult to tell whether he lost weight early on and then gained it back plus an additional six pounds. We'll just have to continue to monitor it and make sure he stays within safe levels.”

“Great,” Jared claps his hands together.

Jensen rolls his eyes. He knows Jared has been a little bit overwhelmed what with finding out about his past and this new pregnancy. He's taken a lot of time off work to go with him to his appointments. Tonight is the presentation of his Wizard of Oz production and, compared to previous years, he hasn’t put as much effort and time into it as he normally does, especially toward the end, because of the whole _Jensen-is-miraculously-pregnant-and-a-freaking-liar_ thing. His teacher trainee has been more than happy to take the lead for the production, but still, Jensen knows he's nervous about it. “What have I done?” had been Jared’s only comment after the dress rehearsal yesterday.

Of course, as soon as they’re out of the office, Jared calls his family members one by one to tell them the news about the baby's gender. He’s so genuinely happy about it that it makes Jensen feel strange that he's not just as excited and happy. But then again, it's hard to be as excited as Jared because, with Jared, everything is larger than life.

They decide to get an afternoon snack at a small restaurant nearby before Jared goes back to school. They eat outside, next to a beautiful fountain Jensen is familiar with because he’s used the scenery for photo sessions more than once. And because today there is a light breeze, it carries fresh water droplets toward them. It feels nice. 

Halfway through his plates of nachos, Jensen’s anxiety starts to subside. It’s a very physical sensation of lightness that goes through him and it’s like he can breathe better and think more clearly all of sudden. These momentary episodes of anxiety are normal, according to Genevieve, his psychiatrist, given what he'd gone through seven years ago. As long as they don’t last for more than a couple of hours and don't start happening more frequently, it’s okay. Jensen thinks he can handle them.

He likes Genevieve (don't call me Dr. Cortese, please, she’d said. We’re the same age), likes her a lot, although he always ends feeling exhausted and drained by the time his sessions are over. “That means we’re getting somewhere,” she had told him, and he believes it. He does feel like he’s finally resolving some of his issues. Jared always insists on going and waiting for him during his sessions. Afterwards, he gives him that strange proud look like Jensen’s just survived an hour of torture. Maybe that’s how Jared sees therapy sessions, who knows?

“You’ll be there at seven, right? With Felicia.”

“Yes.”

“Can I like…when I'm on the stage at the end of the play… thank you in front of everybody and say cheesy stuff like you’re bearing my kid and I’m so proud of you?”

“No. You can’t.”

“Can I wink at you?”

“Yeah.”

“Can I tell my students we’re gonna have a baby girl?”

“Yes.”

“Great.”

Jared stuffs his mouth full of fries, then half chokes on them when he tries to speak again. He takes a long sip of his soda and smiles like a maniac. “This play is going to be a disaster.”

“No it won’t.”

The play is a disaster. The whole audience seems to wonder what the hell they’re watching. At one point, the principal characters freeze and a bunch of students wearing masks and purple tunics enter the stage and perform a long Greek tragedy interlude about the emptiness of the Wicked Witch’s life and her tragic ending. The Tin man does a breakdance number. Students disguised as trees move around in the background, doing strange epileptic poses.

“Oh god, Jared is going to be pissed,” Jensen mumbles while Felicia laughs her ass off.

When the curtain finally closes, there is a second of deafening silence before some very shy clapping starts. It swells until everyone is standing up, applauding, but it sounds forced, like the parents and fellow students of the actors know they’re supposed to acknowledge their hard work despite the result.

Jared doesn’t come on stage to accept the applause with the rest of the cast, but Osric Chau is right there in the middle, beaming like he’s just won an Oscar. He stays on the stage for way too long.

Jensen makes his way backstage, smiling and nodding at some of the students who congratulate him on his pregnancy. He stops by an epileptic tree who is trying to get out of his costume.

“Where’s Mr. Padalecki?”

“Outside. Said he needed some air.”

Jared is sitting on a bench with his friend Daneel, who had apparently found him before Jensen. They're sharing what looks like a small bottle of whiskey. Jensen smiles with affection, seeing the look on his husband’s face.

“It wasn’t that bad,” He says.

Jared looks at him in disbelief. “A Greek chorus.”

Daneel giggles and has to spit out her mouthful of whisky before she chokes on it.

“It was horrible.” She declares and stands up to kiss Jensen, putting one hand on his belly. “Congratulations on the little girl, honey.”

Jensen tries to smile and gets the impression he’s grimacing instead. He doesn’t like Daneel’s touch. It’s not about her, but it reminds him that he cannot hide anymore. If he could’ve hidden the pregnancy until the baby was born, he would’ve done it. He remembers how everybody around him was so excited about the upcoming baby the first time, remembers how he felt when he got back home with his stomach tender and almost flat, but his hands empty. He had felt guilty, responsible for deceiving his family and friends. It hadn't been rational, he knows, but the feeling had been there nonetheless. 

He snaps out of it to find Daneel staring at him with a somewhat thoughtful expression.

“You okay?”

“Fine. Better than Jared, at least,” he says to redirect the conversation.

“I can’t even blame Osric,” Jared sighs. “I went a little crazy over being a dad and I told him he had artistic freedom.”

Jensen ruffles Jared’s hair and sits between Daneel and him.

“You’ll do better next year.”

“I can’t do worse.”

“True,” Daneel agrees because she isn’t exactly subtle when it comes to telling the truth.

“Guys, that play was so bad it was good,” Felicia announces from the open door.

“God,” Jared takes the bottle out of Daneel’s hand and drinks a long gulp.

“So, how was your week?”

Genevieve Cortese settles in front of Jensen on one of those wonderfully fluffy, soft armchairs she has in her office. She offers him some candy which he refuses, watching her pop a handful in her mouth. Ex-smoker, she had told him. Got addicted to candy when she'd stopped. Her dentist is not happy.

“It was… good. We huh…” Jensen scratches the back of his head. Starting the session is always the most difficult moment for him. “We had the sonogram done and everything is looking good. It’s a little girl.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“Well, boy or girl, the important thing is that the baby’s healthy, right?”

Genevieve smiles. “Yes, politically correct answer. But I’m your psychiatrist, not your neighbor.”

Jensen hesitates another second before explaining how he'd felt during the sonogram and when he'd learned about the gender of the baby. He blushes because all of it sounds so damn stupid when said out loud.

“Were you anxious?”

“Yeah, but it got better after the appointment. You know, this doesn’t change how I feel about the baby, right? I’m not going to love her less because I kind of hoped it would be a boy this time.”

“You don’t need to justify your feelings, Jensen. I know that, of course. If you’re always scared of what I’m going to think, we’re not going to make any progress at all.”

“I know.”

“And what about your sleep? Any nightmares?”

“No.”

It’s a lie, but this, Jensen can’t tell. It hurts just thinking about it. Better to forget it as quickly as he can. He knows he can’t deal with analyzing this dream with Genevieve. Not ever.

_It’s raining and it’s cold and he’s digging in the muddy, soft soil, digging with his hands, feeling the dirt sliding under his fingernails, and he cries for help but there is no one there and god, oh god, he can hear her crying through the ground and she’s going to die if he doesn’t reach her soon enough and-_

“Jensen?”

“Hum?”

“You kind of fazed out.”

“Sorry.”

“What else?”

“Well, my husband had this school play production three days ago and it wasn’t exactly a success. He’s been kind of in a down mood since then.”

“Why are you smiling while telling me this?”

“Why am I…?”

He hadn't realized he was smiling. What does that say about him? It's not a mystery, he knows why. Knows himself well enough to guess anyway. “I guess… I guess I’m more comfortable in the role of the caretaker than in being the one who needs to be taken care of. And since we found out about the pregnancy, I’ve been… not acting like myself.”

“Meaning?”

“Jesus, you know what I mean. We’ve talked about my breakdown and the whole week I spent crying my eyes out.”

“You had reasons.”

Jensen makes a face. “Doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

A sudden flash of memory comes to him. It must have been three months after Jenna’s death and he’d been sitting on his bed in his parent’s house, crying. He hadn't been able to help it at the time. The tears would come and go and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it. His father had come to see him and this time, instead of the comfort he usually provided, he got mad. “This can’t go on, Jensen! You have to get a hold of yourself, damn it. You don’t eat, you don’t bathe, you spend your days looking at the walls and feeling sorry for yourself. That’s not the son I raised.” 

Afterward, things had never been the same with his parents. His mother had already switched from full comfort mode to awkwardness and impatience. It was like they couldn’t understand that he just couldn’t get better. The depression was a deep hole he was trapped at the bottom of and he couldn’t make his way to the surface, no matter how hard he tried.

“I don’t like losing control,” Jensen murmurs, looking at the abstract paintings on the walls. He likes them. They comfort him, somehow. “I’m scared I won’t be able to get it back, scared of going crazy.”

“So, now, you feel in control?” Geneviève asks.

“In a way.”

Tough question. He doesn’t have any control over his body, over the child growing inside of him and the events to come. Still, he tries to at least keep his emotions under control. That’s one thing he can do somewhat successfully.

“And you’re showing, now,” Genevieve goes on because, apparently, she has decided to dig deep this time. “How does that make you feel?”

“I… It’s good, it’s physical evidence that the baby’s growing, that the pregnancy is on the right track. But I don’t like being on display. I don’t like people knowing I'm expecting just by looking at me. If something goes wrong I’ll have to face them all and-“

And what? Jensen doesn’t even want to go there.

“And endure their looks of sympathy, or their pity?”

“I guess,” Jensen whispers, biting on his bottom lip. “I’m so fucked up.”

“No. You’re not.” Genevieve smiles softly before popping another piece of candy into her mouth.

They keep on talking and, by the end of the hour, once again, Jensen feels drained. She gives him some homework to do. He has to write in some kind of journal and make an entry every time his anxiety rises, describing what he was doing at the time and how he felt. It seems simple enough, except of course it isn’t. It means sitting down and thinking about those things he doesn’t like to think about. It means looking into the dark corners of his mind that he prefers to keep locked away.

Jared’s vacation starts the day Jensen hits his twentieth week, if Dr. Collins’s approximation is correct. Jared is a bundle of nerves, bumping through the house as though he's riding some kind of electric current. It’s always like this when Jared takes time off work, like he needs a few hours to adjust and switch into vacation mode. Luckily, Jensen has worked most of the day and hasn't had to put up with Jared's hyper-kinetic energy levels. But he gets home earlier than usual and by the time they are finished with diner, he's ready to kill his husband. Jared fills the dishwasher and babbles non-stop about what he’s planning to do outside the house and inside, including emptying the guest bedroom that will become the nursery. For some reason, this gets Jensen even more impatient and he finally snaps, closing the lid of his laptop way too hard. Mr. Mitten, who was dozing next to the computer on the table, jolts awakes and mewls plaintively before dragging himself to the floor.

“Jay?”

“Yeah?”

“You should get out of the house.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re getting on my nerves. Seriously.”

Jared makes a guilty face. “M’ that bad, huh? Yeah, I know, I actually get on my own nerves.”

“Well, that’s a sign.”

“I think I’ll take Storm for a run.”

“That’s a great idea.”

Storm reacts as soon as she hears the word _run_. She jumps and pants in the kitchen, wagging her tail.

“Okay, girl, we’re going.”

Half an hour later, Jensen tries to relax in a hot bath with one of Jared’s scented candles which is a little too intense on the vanilla perfume for his liking. He closes his eyes and covers his face with a washcloth. The week has been difficult. They’d been invited to his parents for dinner and had to accept because they hadn’t been by to visit since they had learned the news. The congratulations had been awkward, the meat overly done and it had taken Jensen’s mother all of ten minutes before she'd brought up the subject of his uterine scars and his improbable pregnancy. Then, when desert had come – coconut cream pie, which Jensen hates - his father had said, “Maybe now you can put all this behind you, son." This meaning Jenna's death and Jensen’s postpartum depression. It had gotten Jensen so mad he couldn’t help himself and told him it wasn’t something he could ever put behind him because he’d had a little girl who'd died, and she deserved to be remembered. “Please, Jensen, don’t be so dramatic,” his mother had cut him off.

Luckily, Jared had then said it was time for them to leave. Jensen had been so anxious and upset afterward he hadn’t even been able to let Jared comfort him. Then, he’d had to write the whole incident in his damn journal and had realized, rereading his notes, how very resentful he was toward both his parents. Genevieve would be more than happy to get to the heart of the matter during their next appointment.

Jensen feels a little nauseous and gets out of the bath. He grabs a towel and dries himself off while walking to the bedroom. Once there, instead of putting on his sleeping pants, he finds himself staring at his reflection in the full length mirror that hangs inside the door. When he’s facing himself, his belly is barely there at all, but as soon as he shifts a little to the side, he can see it, protruding, the bump still low, just over his pelvis. When he'd been pregnant with Jenna, he looked different: he'd been thinner, younger, on the verge of manhood, but now, the softer shape of his middle seems awkward, with his large shoulders and muscled arms. He knows he looks more… delicate than before the pregnancy. The hormones are responsible for that. His chest is less defined, his eyes are brighter, he only needs to shave once a week, and the happy trail leading to his crotch is softer, blonder. His hips have started to enlarge. He felt it sometimes, a vague pain that comes and go. 

He hasn’t felt the baby move yet. He knows it’s still early, that some people don't feel the movements until the fifth month. How far along was he when he felt Jenna move for the first time? He thinks he remembers it was sooner, halfway through the fourth month. Very subtle, tiny waves below his navel. He’d been thrilled, then frustrated when Steve couldn’t feel it and thought Jensen had imagined the whole thing.

He wishes he could feel the baby moving now. He puts a hand on his stomach and waits. Tries not to listen to the dark thoughts that are swirling in his mind. _You can’t feel her because she isn’t moving. She isn’t moving because she’s dead. Something must have happened in utero, and next week, when you go to your appointment, Dr. Collins will look at you with those big, sad eyes and then…_

“You okay, baby?”

Jared’s voice startles him. He'd been so far into his own thoughts that he hadn't heard him coming, hadn't realized his husband was now behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist, kissing his neck. It happens sometimes and Jensen doesn’t like it. It scares the hell out of him.

Still, he nods.

“Lost in thought?”

“Hum.”

“You’re gorgeous.”

“Think so?” Jensen smiles. It isn’t exactly a sincere smile, but he’s working to it.

“I would maybe like to fuck you,” Jared murmurs, lowering one of his hands to caress Jensen’s cock.

“That’s so romantic. My sweaty, stinky husband wants to fuck me,” Jensen deadpans.

“Five minutes in the shower and I’ll be back,” Jared insists. He’s already heading outside the room at a quick pace.

Jensen sighs and turns away from his reflection. He’ll be alright. Has to be. For Jared, for the baby to come. He can keep it under control.

He lies in bed and closes his eyes, tries to empty his head completely. The dark thoughts are fading. He imagines a box in his head where he can lock them up so they won’t come back for a while. It’s a silly trick, but so far, it’s been working.


	5. Chapter 5

“Did anything happen this week? You don’t seem to be in a good mood.”

Jensen sighs and sits back in the armchair more comfortably. Genevieve has been reading his journal for the first five minutes of their appointment, frowning all the while.

He'd written in it only once, despite the fact that he’s been feeling anxious almost constantly. It’s getting harder to write it down.

“I huh…had a fight with Jared,” he finally says because, hell, he has to say something.

“What about?”

“The baby’s nursery.”

Jensen lays a hand on his stomach. It’s becoming a reflex. To feel the bump, to convince himself that the baby’s there, that she’s alive and growing, despite the fact that he only felt her move once. He’s in his twenty-second week. Dr. Collins is satisfied. Nothing is wrong. The baby shows how she likes to move her arms and legs on the ultrasound. It’s just hard for Jensen to feel it. “Your abdominal muscles are still in the way, even if they’re getting softer,” the androcologist had told him. 

“Jensen?”

“Mmm?”

“The fight? With your husband, what happened?”

“He wanted to paint the nursery.”

“Yeah, that’s a normal thing to do. Getting ready to welcome your little girl.”

“I know. He asked me to come with him to the store to pick a color and painting supplies and I huh… couldn’t.”

“You couldn’t go.”

“No. I… It’s stupid. I’m scared of…”

“Getting everything you need for your little girl and fearing that it won’t be used?”

Jensen nods. He feels the closeness of tears stinging his eyes. It happens more and more often.

“How did you resolve this?”

“We yelled at each other because… Jared has tried to drag me to the baby store before and…. Well, now I realize I always had an excuse. And he told me I can’t keep going on like this, I have to give this pregnancy a chance and stop thinking that what happened the first time will happen all over again.”

“Do you think he’s right?”

“Yeah.” Jensen swallows. “Yeah, I know he’s right, but I have trouble… being rational about this.”

“So?”

“So in the end we both apologized ‘cause we’re really bad at staying mad at each other. And I went with him and we picked the color scheme. White and blue. Jared has this hobby of fixing wood moulding and stuff. He already started. I think it’s going to be beautiful.”

“Do you help?”

“No,” Jensen answers, frustrated by the feelings of guilt. “I’m still working a lot and… M’tired when I get home.”

“You know, maybe Jared should come with you to your next appointment. To work on these issues you guys are struggling with.”

“Well, he’s right on the other side of the door,” Jensen tries to joke, but it fails lamely. “I don’t mind.”

He does. He does mind. There are some things he discusses with Genevieve because she’s paid to hear them, she’s a professional. He doesn’t want Jared to know how dark and desperate the world seems to him more and more frequently.

“We’ll only talk about the issues you’re experiencing, as a couple,” Genevieve specifies. Then she adds, taking another look at Jensen’s journal, “There isn't a lot written in here. Either your anxiety level is decreasing or you have trouble writing it down.”

“Hum… Maybe the last one? Seriously, when all those dark thoughts are like… invading my brain, it’s hard to write about it without getting anxious all over again.”

_And there are some things I can’t talk about, like the dream that keeps coming back. Twice a week or more. My baby daughter is buried alive and I try to dig her up but I can’t reach her and she keeps crying and sometimes it’s Jenna, sometimes it’s this new baby whose lame father is so fucked up he has trouble being happy about her existence…_

“Jensen?”

“Huh?”

“You zoned out again. Does that happen often?”

“I don’t know… Sometimes, I guess.”

Genevieve bites her bottom lip. She seems worried. “You know you can call me, right? You have my cell number so if things get bad you can call. That’s what I’m here for.”

“I know.”

“I have another assignment for you this week. We can stop with the journal for now, unless you really feel like writing something in it.”

“What do I have to do?” He asks and, for no reason because it’s just a god damn psychology exercise or some other stupid thing, he feels his chest constrict.

“And one decaf iced mocha coffee with one pump of chocolate,” Jared announces, walking toward Jensen and handing him the plastic cup. 

Jensen smiles and takes a long sip. Despite the air conditioning of the mall, he’s hot and sweaty. His light tee-shirt is molded to his belly and he feels like he’s on display, which doesn’t help at all. He said he’d do it and he firmly intends to go through with it. It had taken him three days after his appointment to wrap his head around it and to talk to Jared, but here they are, at the mall, ready to find a baby store and buy at least a couple of items. His assignment.

Jensen hasn’t entered one baby store in seven years. Jared knows it’s a big deal for him, but at the same time, he’s getting impatient. The room is painted and ready to receive the furniture but that’s all. They haven’t bought one single baby item yet, not even a pair of pajamas, because Jensen always had a good excuse. They both know he’s afraid of getting completely involved in this, afraid it’s going to be taken away from him. Jared has been very understanding, but last night, as they'd been getting ready to go to bed and Jensen had told him what Genevieve Cortese wanted him to do, Jared had said something that had kept Jensen awake long after his husband had fallen asleep. “That's a good idea. I wish we could enjoy this pregnancy together just like any other couple.”

It hadn't been meant to hurt Jensen or to make him feel guilty, but it had been enough for him to consider how his own difficulties were affecting Jared. Sometimes, he just forgets to care, which is a horrible thing to think about, but true nevertheless. He’s so caught up in holding it together that Jared’s wants and needs don’t reach him.

Tossing his empty cup into a trash bin, Jensen makes an attempt to show some interest. “Where do you want to start? Furniture or baby clothes and stuff?” 

“And stuff?” Jared asks, dragging Jensen along with him.

“You know, diapers, milk formula, baby soap, cream, wipes, pacifier…”

“Wow. I wish we'd bought one of those books with those lists you can check off.”

“We can do without.”

Jared smiles and presses Jensen’s hand harder. “I’m so glad we’re doing this. I know it isn’t easy for you, Jen.”

“I…”

He wants to say he’s sorry that they’re already heading toward August and that he hasn’t been able to do this sooner, but his throat swells and he realizes he can’t say anything at all.

“Hey, let’s start small. Couple of pajamas, maybe a rattle or two, a box of diapers. Just to get us going,” Jared adds quickly.

Jensen hates the concern in his husband's tone, knows it’s his damn fault. He tries to compose himself to be able to enjoy the experience. “Alright.”

It’s easier than he thought it would be. Jared kind of goes crazy over the newborn section, _awww-ing_ in front of every single pair of pajamas, hat or blanket. In the end, Jensen has to be the reasonable one, a role he’s comfortable with. It’s part of their normal dynamic as a couple.

“Four,” he says in front of the newborn pajamas. 

“It’s not enough,” Jared counters, running his fingers over the soft material of a very pink pair of pajamas.

“First of all, people are going to give us some stuff. Second, the newborn size won’t fit the baby for long. Some kids can barely wear them at all.”

“Okay, four, but can we buy a couple of the other sizes too?”

“Yeah.”

There is a serious debate about pink not being the only color fitting for a baby girl, an argument they'd already had when choosing the color of the nursery. In the end, it’s kind of fun. As their shopping progresses, Jensen’s nervousness fades away and he’s relieved to realize he can do this without thinking about all those times Steve and he had done the same. It’s different with Jared, who’s just as excited as a little kid. Different in a good way. When they finally get out of the store, they're both carrying a large, full bag. They smile at each other. Suddenly the tension that always seems to hover over them is completely gone and, when Jared starts talking about baby names in the car, Jensen doesn’t feel any nervousness or anxiety. None at all.

“I've thought about it,” Jared says, drumming on the steering wheel with his fingers. “Have you?”

“Not really. Got any ideas?”

“Tons of ideas you probably won’t like.”

“Come on, Jay.”

“Rose, for my grandmother, or Morgan, or Audrey, or Ava or-“

“Whoa. You've thought about this a lot.”

“Well… yeah. She’s gotta have a name, right?”

Jensen nods slowly. He knows where Audrey and Ava come from; Jared and he are both fans of old classic movies and the great actresses of that time. Morgan seems to have come out of nowhere, though it’s a name that’s been getting more and more popular over the last couple of years. He’s about to give his opinion – he does like Ava, the others, not so much, when Jared cuts in, “How did you guys decided on Jenna?”

It shouldn’t hurt so much to think about, except it does. 

“Steve liked it because it sounded a bit like my name… And he had a friend when he was young who was called Jenna.” Gosh, he sounds like he’s whining, voice barely audible and shaking. “I like Ava,” he adds, trying to get himself under control. 

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. And huh… Willow. That's my pick. Willow.”

“Willow like the dwarf from that movie?” Jared sounds dumbstruck.

“Willow like the tree, dumbass.”

“No way.”

And just like that, the memory of Steve carefully writing their daughter’s name on the first page of a brand new baby book doesn’t hurt so much anymore. Jared and Jensen fight, in a friendly way, over the name of the baby until they reach home. It’s been a good day, Jensen thinks. If only it was always that easy to work through his anxiety.

That night, the nightmare comes. This time, though, the name written on the tombstone is perfectly visible: Ava Willow Ackles.

During breakfast, when Jared wants to pick up their conversation where they'd left off yesterday and make a list of girl names they both like, Jensen pretends he has a headache and does his best not to throw up right there in the kitchen, a fresh wave of panic overcoming him so suddenly it’s almost unbearable.

He knows Jared doesn’t buy the headache thing, but he doesn’t allow himself to think about it at all. He has to be at work at eight this morning to pick up his equipment. Felicia has assigned him a home photo session for a newborn, thinking he would enjoy it. 

He will. He’s a professional.

The couple is charming, especially the proud mother, Alicia. She presents her three weeks old daughter to Jensen, smiling brightly. The baby is peacefully asleep in a nest of blankets, her features delicate, perfect, the few dark hairs she possesses curling on the top of her head.

“Oh gosh, would you look at that,” Jensen can’t help the tremor in his voice. One of his hands reaches of its own accord to rest on his stomach. 

“This is Theodora. Teddy,” Alicia says, her eyes lowering to Jensen’s middle, following his hand. 

Jensen can see she hesitates to say anything. Male pregnancies aren’t that common and it can be a little delicate to ask the obvious question.

Maybe it’s because of the baby girl, that feeling that gets to him, making him all warm and mellow inside, but this time, he doesn’t mind. “Yeah, I’m pregnant, if that’s what you were wondering.”

Alicia smiles even wider. “Wow! Congratulations. Will it be your first?”

“Yeah.”

The husband arrives in the living room and shakes Jensen’s hand. 

“Luke, he’s going to have a baby,” his wife tells him.

“Oh. Um. Congratulations.”

Awkwardness is a common reaction from men. Jensen is used to it so he doesn’t mind the grimace that passes for a smile on the man’s face.

“So, do you guys have any idea of how you want to do this?” He changes the subject, trying to look at ease with the whole thing.

The couple is luckily more than willing to follow Jensen’s suggestions. There is no giant bow added to the baby’s head, like parents sometimes feel they need to do to point out that yes, it’s a girl. The same goes for an improbable satin dress with so many flounces the baby looks like she’s drowning in it. Teddy stays in her light yellow pj’s and is settled on a soft brown blanket on her parent’s bed. She’s a small, quiet bundle, staying asleep no matter what Jensen does, only pouting from time to time. As the session goes on, the same idea keeps popping up in Jensen’s mind. _This, I will have this. Finally. My baby will be born healthy and Jared and I are going to be crazy about her and I’ll take so many pictures and spend hours cradling her and rocking her and watching her sleep and…_ It goes on and on like that and Jensen has to restrain himself from rubbing at his belly.

“Okay, I want to get a closer shot and then we’re done.”

It happens when he looks through the close-up lens at little Teddy’s sleepy, angelic face. But… Wait. _Oh god,_ he thinks in panic, _oh god she isn’t sleeping. We all thought she was sleeping but she isn't breathing. She isn't…._

Through the lens, the baby’s skin is a dull grey, her face froze in a grimace of death. A sudden smell fills the air, the stink of raw meat left for too long on the kitchen counter.

Jensen’s breath stays stuck in his chest, his stomach rebels so violently it actually hurts. He drops the camera, its weight straining the strap around his neck.

“Are you okay?” Alicia asks.

He can’t say anything. The panic is a galloping, crazy horse running through his mind. 

Theodora yawns and snuffles. She’s very much alive, her skin a healthy pink, her lips red and shiny.

“I’m…” Jensen croaks, wiping at his forehead where a film of cold sweat has formed. “Yeah, I’m fine, just a dizzy spell.”

“You sure?” Alicia takes his arm, looking seriously worried. “You’re awfully pale.”

Luke is already taking his little girl in his arms, acting like a pregnant man can’t be trusted around an infant. Jensen doesn’t care. He has to get out of there, has to get out now. He tries to smile, even though it hurts. Literally.

“You know how it is,” he gives Alicia a confidential look. “Another joy of pregnancy.” He rolls his eyes for good measure. “Anyway, we have more than enough as it is.”

To his relief, she immediately starts in with a story of her own little aches and pains from when she was pregnant with Teddy.

“What? Why? Did something happen?” Felicia looks worried, not about the photo session and the clients, but about Jensen. It’s hard, lying to his best friend. Jensen tries to look casual as he transfers the photos on his computer. It’s noon. Felicia and he are alone in the studio.

“I just… I’m tired, okay? This morning, I wasn’t at my best. The session went well, but I had trouble keeping the rhythm.”

Felicia looks at him in silence, twirling a long red strand of hair around her finger. “I can manage here on my own. You know I can. But it’s so sudden, Jen.”

“I know, and I’m sorry, babe.”

She smiles a little. “Don’t call me babe.”

“Awww, you like it.”

“Maybe.”

The young woman drags a chair from her own desk and sits next to him. He tries not to react negatively, but the idea of her touching him is almost unbearable. He doesn’t know why. Felicia is a touchy kind of person. He's never had a problem with it before.

“It’s like we’re not as close as we used to be,” Felicia says almost softly. “I know, you’re going through stuff and you’re gonna be a dad, but still… I’m worried about you.”

She’s right, Jensen can’t deny it. He was supposed to tell her about his first pregnancy and how it all went down. He'd told Jared he would. He'd tried.

Maybe now would be a good time. Yeah, Jensen, this is the perfect time to tell her about your stillborn baby and how you just had a hallucination about another dead baby while on the job.

The thought makes him shiver.

“I can finish the week if you want,” he says instead, hoping she won’t force him into it. They'd just hired a college student to replace Jensen during his paternity leave and he knows Felicia can deal. The thought of what just happened repeating itself on the job makes him nauseous. 

“No, I’ll manage. Just… promise me it’s only because you're tired, that nothing serious is going on with you.”

Is going crazy a serious issue? Jensen represses a horrified laugh and makes the effort to wrap his arm around his friend’s shoulder, kissing her on the cheek. “Right now, it is,” he lies, because it’s easier to lie than to face what had just happened to him. “But I've been wanting to tell you about something, so I’ll just go for it, okay?”

Felicia’s eyes open wide upon hearing the story of Jensen’s first pregnancy. He manages not to cry, telling himself he’s only reciting something that doesn’t have anything to do with him. What kind of mind state is he in if he finds comfort in talking about his daughter’s death rather than saying he just had a hallucination about a dead baby?

That night, Jared and he try to make love. Jensen lies, again, telling his husband that Felicia has decided to give him an extra month off by hiring someone early. Jared is happy about it, talks about how he wants Jensen to rest and enjoy his pregnancy.

Enjoying the pregnancy is something so alien to Jensen it barely makes sense. How can anyone enjoy a pregnancy when there is always the possibility of something going wrong – so many things can go wrong while innocently dreaming about a baby, buying pajamas and choosing a name, painting a room, showing off a swollen belly with pride.

Jensen’s been there.

He’s going down on Jared, settled between his legs, swallowing his cock. He usually enjoys the feeling of giving head, loves the way it gets Jared worked up so fast. It’s hard tonight though, because he keeps reliving the events at the Henry’s house, to what he saw through his camera.

At some point, Jared softly pulls him back. Jensen blinks at him, confused.

“You’re not enjoying yourself, babe,” Jared says softly.

It’s true. Jensen’s shaft is flaccid between his legs. He blushes so suddenly it burns. “Sorry Jay, I was-“

“Distracted?” Jared suggests with a little smile. “Hey, come here.”

He stretches out his arm and Jensen obeys passively, lying down next to his husband who pulls the comforter over the both of them.

“I could finish you off…” Jensen suggests, sneaking his hand under the sheets to find Jared’s cock.

Jared stops him. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re not in the mood, it’s no big deal.”

“Well, you know, hormones and shit…” Jensen babbles.

He wants to talk to Jared about what had happened, he wants to do it so bad it hurts, like a cold hand is twisting his heart, digging sharp fingernails into it. He’s scared of losing control, just like when he'd told him about Jenna, and then at the cemetery. Scared of losing control and not being able to get it back, crying until he’s nothing more than sorrow and self-pity.

He stays silent and lets Jared stroke his hair. There is a small flutter below his navel. It stops, then starts again, stronger this time.

“She’s moving,” he murmurs. “Maybe this time you can feel it.”

Jared’s eyes light up and he lets Jensen guide his hand to his stomach. There are three soft little pushes.

“Oh fuck!” Jared practically screams, jerking his hand back like he’s been burned.

Jensen laughs. “What?”

“I just… That was… really? That was our little girl moving, oh my god!” Jared babbles, putting his hand back. They wait in silence, Jensen holding his breath. The flutter starts again, peaking with what feels like a tiny kick.

“Ooooh…” Jared whispers. “That was… that was amazing.”

It was. Jensen is close to tears, seeing the joy on Jared’s face and wishing he could feel the same without anything ruining it.


	6. Chapter 6

August 2nd is so cold and rainy it’s like autumn has decided to start early. Jensen and Jared’s appointment with Genevieve is scheduled at nine in the morning, which is a good thing, given how nervous Jensen is to have his husband come in with him this time. There isn’t only nervousness though, but also a strange sense of relief comes with it, because of what happened with the baby at the photo session. With Jared there with him, it’s easy to convince himself not to talk about it at all. Jared and he will have enough to say to fill the hour without Jensen bringing up the hallucination he'd suffered from.

His episode scares him so much he’d prefer to forget about it. Maybe it won’t happen again. Maybe he really was just tired and stressed by his work. Maybe other people experience similar stuff without them being crazy.

“You sure you don’t mind me going with you?” Jared asks in the waiting room, looking at him with concern.

“I won’t lie, I’m nervous about it, but Genevieve is the psychiatrist, not me. She must know what she’s doing.”

Jared nods slowly, as if he’s waiting for Jensen to add something. Then, he smiles, easy and warm. “Is our little girl moving this morning?”

Jensen lowers his eyes to his belly. His navel has started to jut out and is pressing on the cotton of his shirt like a button. “A little. Not sure you can feel her, though.”

It’s discreet, a small pressure all around his navel, plus this bubbly feeling. Jensen holds onto that to keep it together.

“Jensen?” Jared asks, and he’s not smiling anymore.

“What?”

“I… I don’t want us to fight in there, okay? I mean, you know me, when I start talking I can’t shut up and… if I say something stupid or out of place….”

Jared shrugs and doesn’t finish his sentence.

“Well, we-“

“Hey, guys,” Genevieve interrupts, opening her office door. “You can come in.”

After some nervous introductions and an awkward dance to get everyone seated, Jensen is taken aback by Jared’s immediate answer to the doctor’s first question, “So, how are you doing?”

“I’m worried about Jensen,” Jared blurts out quickly.

“What?” Jensen turns toward his husband, mouth open wide. He knows Jared worries about him, of course, but it sounds very strange to hear it like this, as if Jared has been holding back all this time.

Jared is not done, though. “Listen, Jen, there are some things I've been meaning to talk to you about, but I didn’t want us to fight again, or make you feel like I don’t get what you’re going through, so I thought waiting to speak about it here would-“

“What am I going through exactly?” Jensen asks harshly.

“Jared, Jensen,” Genevieve interrupts softly, but firmly. “Let’s not begin this session the wrong way, okay? Jared, maybe you should have told Jensen there were some things you wanted to discuss with me. And Jensen, I’m sure your husband doesn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I’m not hurt,” Jensen replies. “I’m just wondering why, since we spend our freaking days AND nights together, Jared feels the need to keep things from me and wait for-“

“I don’t keep anything from you!” Jared protests vehemently. “It's just… whenever I want to push you a little, you get so defensive it’s impossible to get through to you.”

“What do you mean by push me?” Jensen tries to stay calm, although fear and anger are building quickly inside him.

“Yes, what do you mean?” Genevieve asks.

Jared sighs, shakes his head to move his long bangs away from his face. “I don’t know how to do this. I don’t. And maybe I’m just plain stupid, but this pregnancy… I don’t feel like you’re enjoying it. At all. And I get it, Jen. I get how difficult it must be for you, but at the same time, it’s… we have a baby girl coming, a very real little girl, and you can’t act like nothing is going on.”

“Can you give me some specific examples?” Genevieve asks.

Jensen crosses his arms and huffs. “Yeah, you two go on. I’ll just wait silently like I’m not here at all.”

Genevieve bites her bottom lip and looks at him for a long time. He feels himself blush.

“Okay, clearly, you’re not at ease about what’s going on here, Jensen. I won’t force you into anything. This therapy is meant to help you. So… if you want us to stop right now and make another appointment, without Jared, it’s your choice.”

 _Damn right it’s my choice_ , Jensen thinks. He’s about to call the whole thing off, can’t wait to be alone in the car with Jared to tell him exactly what he’s thinking about this whole worried-about-you revelation thing. 

Then he sees the way Jared is looking at him. There isn’t just worry in his husband’s soft eyes. There is love too, and concern, and maybe sadness.

Cliché, right? But at the same time, Jensen can’t ignore it. If he’s struggling to keep his head above the water, he has to admit that things aren’t any easier for Jared. Hell, some days, Jensen can’t even deal with himself, how does Jared do it?

Besides, what would come out of his decision to end this appointment, except more fighting? What would happen after the fight? Would anything be solved?

“I’m okay, I’m sorry,” he finally murmurs, pressing Jared’s hand quickly. “I’m… go ahead, Jay. This isn’t something that’s exclusively mine. We made this baby together.”

“I love you,” Jared answers, because he’s always prompt with those mellow love declarations. “I just don’t know how to make it better.”

“Do you think you need to make it better?” Genevieve asks.

“It’s like a dance, ya know?” Jared tells her, smiling sadly. “One step forward and one step backward. I feel like I have to impose things on him, to force him into every little thing we do to prepare for our baby’s birth. And then, I don’t know if it’s right to insist, and… like… like the nursery. He didn’t want to help me pick the colors or chose the furniture and, finally, I convinced him. But since I started working in the room, he hasn’t help, hasn’t even commented on the paint job. As a matter of fact, he hasn’t even stepped in the room.”

“It’s not like that,” Jensen can’t help but protest. “I was working and…”

And it’s bullshit, that's what it is. He tries to remember if he really has never entered the room since Jared started working on it. 

He hasn’t. The realization is devastating.

“Jensen?” Genevieve asks softly.

“He’s right,” Jensen says, lowering his eyes. “I didn’t realize… But he’s right.”

“We went to the baby store to get started on clothes shopping and… you know, baby gear, because you asked him to do it,” Jared goes on. “Once we got there, it was okay, but since then, we haven’t done it again.”

“We have plenty of time,” Jensen says. “I’ve just started my paternity leave. I’m only twenty-three weeks along.”

“Almost six months. We’re more than halfway through the pregnancy. And… you don’t want to pick a name or talk about what’s going to happen after she’s born.”

“What’s to talk about?”

“Well, you know,” Jared sounds a little exasperated. “We lie in bed and I’m wondering what she will look like or how the dog will react to her. I mean, talking about the future - isn't that what parents-to-be do? Imagining themselves with a baby in their arms, talking about how amazing it will be, how…”

“Exciting,” Genevieve completes. “You must understand why that can be hard for Jensen.”

“I know it’s hard.”

“You can’t,” Jensen cuts in suddenly, surprised to hear himself say it. “I mean, you can try, but you can’t really understand. To… Okay, fuck, m’not gonna cry this morning. You know what I mean.”

“I don’t mind you crying,” Jared replies. “Anything is better than this.”

“Better than what?”

“Pretending like everything is okay when you’re not. You do cry, Jen, in your sleep, and then I wake you up and hold you tight and in the morning it’s like you don’t remember.”

Jensen stares at Jared, mouth wide open. “You just made that up.”

“No.”

“I don’t remember.”

A violent wave of anxiety rises suddenly. Jensen feels like a fish out of water, trying to breathe.

“It’s not something you have to worry about,” Genevieve intervenes, “You probably don’t wake up completely when it happens.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jensen snaps at Jared.

“Because I thought you were embarrassed about it. I thought you remembered and only pretended you didn’t.”

“Shit.”

“And then there are times when you’re not there, Jen. You just look into nothingness and sometimes you snap out of it when I say your name, but sometimes it kind of freaks me out, because it can go like… minutes at a time.”

“I tend to get lost in my thoughts.”

“You never did before.”

“Well, I tend to get lost in my thoughts when I’m pregnant,” Jensen spits.

“How often does this happen?” Genevieve asks.

“At least once a day.”

“You’re exaggerating, Jay.”

“No I'm not.”

“So what? That’s why you came here today? To tell my psychiatrist that I’m freaking crazy?”

“Hey, whoa… It’s… no, it’s not…”

“Yeah, yeah. You figured, I’ve been there before, hormones make me all the more likely to have another episode and-“

“Jensen, calm down,” Genevieve says in an authoritative voice.

Jensen stops mid-sentence. He’s been yelling. His throat hurts. His hands are shaking. What the hell is wrong with him?

“I… sorry.”

Jared reaches out to put his hand on his arm and leaves it there. Jensen doesn’t know if this reassures him or make him feel all the more alone.

“Okay, Jensen. You do remember why Dr. Collins sent you to see me in the first place, right?”

Jensen nods.

“Someone who has suffered from depression in the past is prone to experiencing it again. All the more so if we count in the reason for your depression.”

“I know,” Jensen murmurs.

“You said yourself that this is a disease, not a weakness. You’re right. This is brain chemistry, that’s all. True, it is influenced by the events of one’s life, but nobody here thinks you’re weak, or crazy. Got it?”

“I would never think that,” Jared adds with intent. “Please, tell me you know that.”

“I know,” Jensen answers easily while keeping his eyes lowered on his belly, where his daughter is doing those fluttering gymnastic moves. _I’m sorry, baby,_ he thinks. _I don’t deserve you._ “I can’t enjoy this. I just can’t… It’s like, my brain has some kind of barrier that’ll lift up only when our baby’s born and… and alive. M’fucking scared all the time and I know I’m not in the best frame of mind. M’trying, though, trying so god damn hard.”

It’s easy, once he’s started talking. He manages not to cry, to keep a little control over himself. He can’t get recount the hallucination he’d had, nor talk about the recurring nightmare, but still, everything else just flows out of him. “I want it to be over,” he murmurs, feeling shame heat his cheeks. “Want it so bad to be over. Each day feels like a fucking week, and I can’t help but think about everything that could go wrong. I know it’s not logical, I know that. And I love this baby, I want her, but she’s still a dream, for me. Won’t be anything other than a dream until I hear her cry and know that she's healthy.”

Jared is swallowing his tears and although Jensen knows how damn pathetic he must sound, there is nothing he can do about it.

“I think we should start you on a light anti-depressant,” Genevieve says very slowly, observing Jensen intently.

“No.”

“Jensen, listen, this doesn’t have to be so hard for you. Now, with everything you and Jared have been saying, it’s evident therapy isn’t enough for you. There are a couple of antidepressant families that have been proven to be safe for a foetus. High levels of stress can be way more damaging to you and the baby.”

“Fuck, I didn’t want to revert back to this.”

“It’s not a failure. It’s… life. The thing with depression and anxiety is that when they make a comeback, it’s very sudden and acute. We don’t want that to happen.”

“It’s alright, Jen, if the medication doesn’t affect the baby I think you should do it,” Jared says, his face frank and open and without any trace of condescendence. “I think you should be able to relax and enjoy this a little. You’re tired, you’re out of your mind with worry. You don’t have to feel like this all the time.”

Jensen closes his eyes. He remembers all too well the day his parents took him to the hospital to have his first electroshock therapy. He'd been so deep in his head, so raw, everything hurting all the time, all he'd wanted was to die. God he doesn’t wanna feel like that ever again, wouldn’t wish it on his worst enemy.

“Okay.” He whispers. “I think maybe that's the best solution.”

They stop by the pharmacy to get the prescription filled right after their appointment. They don’t talk a lot. Jared apologizes, Jensen tells him he isn’t angry – it’s true, he isn’t - and that’s it.

He just feels so tired suddenly, so heavy. He wishes summer would be over already. Wishes it would be cold outside, cold and raining, a freaking tempest to reflect how he feels inside.

The day after, Jensen is watching some stupid show on TV, Mr. Mitten asleep next to him, Storm resting at his feet. It’s very sunny outside, almost obscenely so, but Jensen has closed all the curtains. 

Jared brings him one pill with a glass of water. Jensen takes it without a word. At his feet, Storm lets out a long sigh.

“Remember what the pharmacist said," Jared feels the need to repeat. “You won’t feel the full benefit of the drug for three to four weeks, but you could gradually start feeling better in a week.”

“I know. Been there, done that.”

Jared sighs as loudly as his dog did. 

“Do you want to go out? We could get dinner somewhere.”

“No I… Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“You… I’d prefer if we didn’t tell anybody about this.”

“F’course.”

“Not even Daneel. I know she’s your confident, Jared, and that you might need it, but…”

Jared kisses him on the cheek. Mr. Mitten growls and lazily leaps off the couch. “I understand.”

“Wish things would be different,” Jensen murmurs, staring at the TV. “Wish you didn’t have to put up with this.”

“Stop saying that,” Jared cuts him off because yes, Jensen may have repeated it a couple of times since yesterday. “I just want you to be okay. You and the baby.”

“I know she’s going to be alright. On a purely intellectual level, I know. You gotta understand.”

“I do.”

Jensen smiles sadly at Jared’s empathy. “Bet you regret this whole wedded for life deal now, don’t you?”

“Fuck. Don’t say stuff like that. Never.”

Jared is almost angry, and when he bends over into his space, Jensen’s a little scared he went too far on the self-loathing, but no, of course Jared wouldn’t hurt him. He lifts Jensen’s tee over his round belly and kisses it softly, just below the navel. Jensen shivers.

“I want you, all of you, all the time,” Jared whispers against his stomach. He kisses it again and deep inside Jensen’s belly, their daughter moves softly, like she doesn’t want to bother them too much in this intimate moment.

Jensen moans because everything… everything just _feels_ too much. His cheeks are wet and yeah, fuck, here he is, crying again. He wants to apologize because he’s a wuss, he’s not himself and wants so much for things to get better, if only for his husband’s sake. But then Jared is kissing him on the lips, sliding his tongue almost shyly between them. A wave of heat rises from deep down inside Jensen’s middle. He feels his nipples peak, brushing against the crumpled cotton of his t-shirt. His cock is quickly filling with blood. It’s been more than a month since they've done anything. It’s a relief, for Jensen, to realize he's missed it, and that he still wants it, so much. This is a part of himself that he recognizes, that Jared fell in love with.

He presses his hips up against Jared’s thighs. The kiss grows more intense, desperate, Jensen’s lips prickling with need and lust. If only he could stop crying, but then Jared is chasing Storm away with a simple command and is laying over him on the couch, somehow has pulled off Jensen's tee without him realizing it. He gives up any form of control and moans loudly when Jared tugs on his pants and briefs. 

His nakedness doesn’t provoke the now familiar awkwardness of seeing his body with all its changes, not only the belly, but the rounder shapes, the darker color of his nipples, the paleness of the few body hairs leading to his pubis. Not now, he needs too much. Jared is getting naked as well, quickly, without ever turning his eyes away from him.

“Look at you. So fucking gorgeous,” Jared rasps. “This,” he caresses Jensen’s belly with both hands. “This is because of me, you can’t believe how hard it’s hitting me. Sometimes I feel like a fucking caveman. Want to protect you, and her, even from yourself.”

Jensen feels his dick twitch violently. Even his hole is leaking a little. He wants to see himself the way he appears in Jared’s eyes right now: someone without the flaws and the shame Jensen feels constantly.

They’re in too much of a hurry to do anything other than rut against each other, the hot skin of their cocks brushing one against the other. Jensen is gone, shivering constantly, cheeks wet, mouth open on a silent, never-ending cry. He feels his orgasm building fast until even the muscles of his stomach are contracting, then his uterus. He holds on to Jared, digging into his back with his nails, and jerks his hips upward one last time as hard as he can. 

He comes so hard he lets out a hoarse, surprised scream and scratches Jared’s back in the process. He wishes everything that’s wrong with him could be expelled as easily as the semen escaping his body in long spurts. Jared groans and buries his face in Jensen’s neck when he comes. He does this every time and, each time, it triggers a sense of protectiveness and fierce love in Jensen’s heart, knowing that he’s the one Jared is giving everything to and whom he takes everything from at the same time.

Minutes passes. Jared is stroking Jensen’s belly, chest, arms, hair. “Stop crying, Jen. We’re okay.”

If only.

It’s been a week and Jensen doesn’t see any improvement in his mood. He tries to stay focused on the fact that anti-depressants take a long time before the effects can be felt, but the nervousness and constant anxiety seem to be worsening. He puts up the best façade he can, even goes to the mall with Jared to pick out some furniture for the nursery. It’s not hard per se, but it’s as if Jensen’s not really there. He's outside of his body, looking at everything with a cold detachment. This, this is new, and he knows it’s not an improvement.

He has to cancel his weekly appointment with his psychiatrist. His sister Mackenzie is back from Africa and spending the week at their parent’s. Josh and his wife have come all the way from Florida and their mother is hosting a barbecue for extended family members and neighbors. 

“We don’t have to go, if you’re not up for it,” Jared tells him.

“No, we do have to go. You know we do.”

Jensen braces himself and doesn’t sleep at all the night before. He’s surprised, though, to find himself in the same state he'd been in when shopping for furniture as they arrive at his parent’s. There are a lot of people, everybody congratulates them. His belly is touched and admired again and again. Mac won’t leave him alone for a minute. Jensen smiles and jokes and takes as much pictures as asked, but he can’t feel anything. He doesn’t feel scared that his parents will make comments about his fragile state of mind or his first pregnancy. He doesn’t feel happy to see his sister or to see Josh. He knows he should be, but once again, he’s just like an observer, a puppeteer controlling the way his body and mind are supposed to react.

It’s scary. The fear is there. It’s just a word though, it doesn’t mean anything anymore.

On the way back home, Jared asks him if he’s okay. 

“Yeah, of course, why?”

“I don’t know… You seemed different. Cheerful and happy and content.”

Jensen laughs. It’s not funny, though. “Well, thank you. So, I’m usually sad and moody.”

“Fuck, you know what I mean.”

“I was happy to see Josh, to see Mac. Happy that they were both happy for us. Is there anything wrong with that?”

Jared sighs. He looks tired, older than usual. The street lights cast strange shadows on his face. “No, nothing is wrong. Nothing at all.”

“Good.”

Three days later, they have an appointment with Dr. Collins. Everything seems good. Jensen hasn’t put on a lot of weight but still, the baby is growing nicely and everything is within normal parameters. Jensen smiles and almost feels it. When asked if the antidepressants have started working, he lies.

Just before they leave, the doctor tells them that they’ll discuss the birth and the options that come with it when he sees them next month. Jensen nods, ignoring the flash of pain in his mind as he’s brought back to the delivery room the day he gave birth to Jenna.

He can’t eat anything at all that day.

Luckily, Jared doesn't notice it because he has a meeting at school for the whole afternoon and is supposed to grab dinner with some colleagues afterward. The school year is starting in two weeks. Jensen doesn’t know how he feels about spending his days alone.

Meanwhile, he’s happy to just lie on the couch, a blanket covering him, and watch TV. He dozes off and on, tries to keep his mind empty. At some point, he realizes he’s crying. Again. He lets it out. He’s alone. He doesn’t have to pretend. Storm whines next to him until he sends her away. The baby is quiet today.

 _She’s dead,_ he thinks, and this time, there is no logical voice to reply to it, to tell him to keep it together and stop thinking the worst. 

When Jared comes home, he has already moved from the couch to the bed. He pretends to be asleep already. He doesn’t want to talk, doesn’t want Jared to speak to him with a too soft voice and ask if he’s okay, damn it. He thinks he’ll go crazy for real if his husband says those words one more time.

 _Like you aren’t crazy already_.

Again, his mind silently accepts this accusation.

::: :::

_Hurts so much, so damn much. The epidural is only working on his left side. Happens sometimes, the anesthesiologist had said. He feels the pressure, the burn, deep down, and he’s so out of it, so exhausted, he’s lost any notion of time. It seems to him that he’s been in agony forever._

_“Come on, Jensen, give me another push.”_

_That’s all he hears now. Push. Again. Breath, push. He tries, really, he does, but his body won’t cooperate anymore. All of his muscles are locked, shaking and burning. Steve is right next to him, but he might as well be in another dimension for all he's able to help. He’s yelling._

_“…Bullshit, he’s been at it for hours. What’s wrong, what are your doing with these?”_

_“I can’t,” Jensen whines, “I can’t push anymore.”_

_Nobody pays any attention to him. A nurse is playing with his I.V. line, right next to him, but it’s like he hasn’t spoken at all._

_“…Isn’t this dangerous?” Steve sounds panicked, which kind of brings Jensen back to the here and now. He tries to rise up on his elbows, but a hand keeps him on his back._

_“You can’t move like that, not with the epidural, Mr. Ackles.”_

_“What’s going on?”_

_Steve turns his head toward him and brushes his hand through Jensen’s wet bangs. “It’s okay, Jensen. Our little girl just needs some help to get out. They’re going to use the forceps…”_

_“What? Is she stuck?”_

_“Everything is going to be alright, Jensen,” Dr. Kendall says._

_“Please don’t hurt her.”_

_“Everything is going to be okay, I promise,” Steve adds._

_And Jensen believes him…_

_…It’s raining. Hard. Each drop hurts, hitting his skin. It’s dark, it’s always dark. He’s searching the cemetery for the tombstone. He can’t be too far off._

_A feeble cry is carried by the wind._

_“Oh god no please, please,” he cries, running, then falling onto his knees in front of the small stone. “They said you were going to be alright,” he mumbles, digging into the wet ground with his hands. “How could he do this to you?”_

_Steve, the one who was supposed to love him, to take care of him, of Jenna. She’s alive, Jensen knows. They said everything would be okay, and now, they’ve buried her._

_Jensen digs harder, quicker, as his daughter’s cries become more desperate._

_“I hate him, I hate him, I HATE HIM!” He yells. “I’ll take care of you, baby, we don’t need him, right?”_

“Jensen!”

_His fingers hurt as he digs, pulling away lumps of soil and small rocks. He thinks he’s bleeding. He needs to get to her. She’s not dead. Can’t be. They told him she was dead but they lied. He never saw her. He was out of it and they got rid of her. “Love you, gonna take care of you,” Jensen presses his face on the dirt and repeats it, again and again, hoping it will get through to her._

“Oh god, Jen, stop it.”

_He’s pulled back and fights. He slips on the ground, tries to free himself from the strong arms wrapped around him. Steve, must be Steve. He buried their baby girl alive and then left Jensen alone, drowning in his sorrow, choking on it. “You bastard!” He screams, hiccups. Rain is falling in his mouth and eyes._

“Jensen. It’s me, it’s Jared please, please stop it.” 

_Jared… Jared. Yeah, Jared’s a good guy. Jared is freaking huge, he could help him. “Help me,” he rasps, trying once again to free himself. “She’s still alive, god, help me, Jared, my little girl is buried under there!”_

_Jared doesn’t help him, though. He holds him tighter and whispers in his ear. His wet bangs are dripping on Jensen’s face and neck._ “Jenna’s dead, Jensen. She’s been dead for seven years. We’re home. We’re home, babe, we’re in our backyard.”

_“No, you don’t-“_

“I’m so sorry, baby. There, feel it, you’re pregnant again, with my baby, remember?”

_Jared takes one of Jensen’s hands and forces it down to his own belly. He feels it, underneath his wet tee-shirt, the firm swell of his stomach._

Oh god. What is he doing?

“Jay…” He whispers, voice hoarse from the screaming.

He cast a quick look around. Yeah. Their backyard. The rain has slowed down, but was it really that much more violent before? How could he think that was real?

Jenna’s dead. Never really was alive, except inside him.

Mental illness is like a snake, Jensen thinks, strangely detached. It creeps up on you and then suddenly swallows you down and there is nothing you can do. And he doesn’t want to face it anymore. He’s lost what’s left of his will, of his determination to make it through this.

He blinks at Jared, hears his whole world shatter inside his head, like glass being broken, and each shard lodges itself in his mind.


	7. Chapter 7

Jared carries Jensen inside. More or less. Jensen’s eyes are hollow and his body lax. He puts one foot in front of the other, but only when Jared tugs him along. Storm follows, trying to lick their wet legs. Jared pushes her away with his foot.

He sits Jensen inside, wets a towel and washes the dirt off his face. He hopes to trigger some kind of reaction, but Jensen stays still, like a wooden puppet, unblinking.

“Come on, baby, snap out of it,” Jared begs as fear invades his body and mind. He takes Jensen’s face between his hands and tries to force him to look at him. “Jen! Come back, fuck, this isn't funny. You can’t…. Shit, stop doing this!”

When Jared realizes he’s yelling, he lets go and finds Jensen’s phone where Dr. Cortese's emergency number is programmed.

It’s eight o’clock in the morning and Jared feels like he’s aged several years in a few hours. All the muscles of his body ache and his mind is an emotional battlefield. Did it really take that much out of him to wrestle Jensen out of the dirt and into the house?

He drinks tepid coffee in the small waiting room next to the psychiatric ward. His hands are shaking a little.

When Felicia arrives, half-walking, half-running, her hair wet and covering most of her face, he’s incredibly relieved. She’s the only one Jared has dared to call, knowing Jensen would hate for his family to find out his mental problems are back.

“Hey, how is he?” Felicia almost falls on him in her haste to give him a hug. She brushes her hair away from her face and sits abruptly next to him.

“He’s… he's been given some meds to…”God, it’s hard to get the words out. “He’s catatonic.”

“Holy fuck.”

“Yeah it’s… Dr. Cortese thinks it’s from the shock of what happened last night. She thinks he must have been dealing with general anxiety and depression for several weeks.”

“But what happened?”

“He thought his daughter was buried in our backyard. Some kind of dream or something, I guess. If Storm hadn’t woken me up, I don’t know how long he would have kept at it… He was frantic, digging in the soil with his bare hands, Fel.”

Felicia softly shakes her head. She doesn’t say anything and Jared doesn’t wait for her to do so because hell, what can you say to this?

“He’s like a freaking puppet. Fuck. The nurse helped me get him into a hospital gown and when we raised his arms in the air, he kept them there until I pulled them down.”  
God, he needs to talk about this. Needs to get it out of his mind where the last few hours are playing in a loop. 

“What they’re giving him… is it going to treat the catatonia?”

“Yeah, it's supposed to be effective any time now. Our androcologist is with him right now. The baby’s alright, the drugs are supposed to be safe. But he’s going to have to stay here until he’s better… And I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if I should call his brother and sister because I’m sure he wouldn’t want his parents to know and I’m…I’m fucking scared out of my mind.”

“Hey, I’m here. I’ll help. He’s going to be okay, he’s strong,” Felicia says, rubbing his back. 

“I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t. He was suffering and I didn’t see how bad it was.”

“I didn’t either. Don’t blame yourself, Jay, because I’m his best friend and I let him down. Last time we saw each other was the day he told me about the baby he'd lost and after that I called him several times and he never had time to talk, always kept the conversations short. I should have forced him to talk to me. I mean, he just spat this big chunk of his life out to me and then went home and…”

It’s Jared’s turn to rub Felicia’s back. It’s almost pathetic how comforting it is not to be alone anymore. 

“Did you bring his stuff?”

“Yep. Fed the pets too. What do we do now?”

“We wait. Dr. Collins is supposed to come talk to me.”

Felicia makes a face and blushes when she asks her next question. “What does it look like…in there?”

“It’s quiet. The entrance doors are locked and the nurses' station is protected with Plexiglas panels, but it’s not at all like in the movies. There’s no one trying to grab you or screaming in a straightjacket.”

He laughs nervously. Felicia blushes harder. “I kind of thought that's what it would be like.”

“Yeah, guess we’re both new to this, right? Heads full of clichés. There is a separate part of the ward reserved for the patients who exhibit violent behavior, but they can’t access the part where Jensen is. It’s just… you know: _the psychiatric ward._ S’kind of big.”

“Will he have to stay here for long?”

“Depends on how he reacts to the meds. Dr. Cortese said that the catatonia’s treatable because it’s a symptom, not an illness. It takes longer with depression and the anxiety disorder, if that’s the final diagnosis. And they can’t give him just anything, you know? Because of the baby. He was already on antidepressant medication when it happened, but the dosage was light and when there's anxiety too, it’s not enough. I’m not even sure I understand everything she said.”

They fall into a taut silence, waiting for Dr. Collins to come and see them. There's a small TV tuned to CNN in a corner of the waiting room. Jared sees a fire burning, soldiers fighting civilians in a South American country. Strange how the horrors of the world can lose their meaning when your own private universe is collapsing.

“He’s starting to come out of it, Jared,” is the first thing Dr. Collins says when he walks into the room. He looks pleased.

“Really?” 

Before continuing, Misha Collins introduces himself to Felicia. It’s a little awkward, like he isn’t sure he should talk in her presence.

“She’s Jensen’s best friend. She… she can help,” Jared feels the need to say.

“Of course. So, as I was saying, your husband is getting better. He’ll probably be sleepy for the rest of the day, given the anxiolytic dose he received and he may be apathetic or uncommunicative, but that's normal. A catatonic episode is a serious symptom. It’s like your mind is locked somewhere and it takes some effort to free it. Tomorrow, he’ll be more like himself and Dr. Cortese will be able to evaluate him better.”

“And then what?”

“We don’t really know, Jared. It’s frustrating, I know, but with mental illnesses, you have to be patient. Jensen’s not gonna wake up next morning smiling and relaxed, all of his problems solved. We’ll take it one day at a time, trying to do what’s best for his well-being and the baby’s. Right now, physically, he’s healthy. I didn’t weigh him, but he looks like he may have lost a couple of pounds, nothing to worry about right now. The baby’s heart is strong, your husband's vitals are within normal ranges given the circumstances.”

“What if it comes back? The catatonia?”

Collins shrugs. “It’s possible. As long as there isn’t an improvement with his overall state of mind, it can happen. Dr. Cortese has prescribed some emergency medication if he becomes agitated to try and avoid it, but I can’t promise you that it’ll work before he’s hit by catatonia again.”

“Jesus. What? How am I supposed to… I don’t even know what I want to ask.”

Jared has never felt so helpless in his whole life.

“Dr. Cortese and I discussed it and we've decided to give you twenty-four hour access to Jensen’s room. He’ll need you. This situation is peculiar, given his pregnancy and his previous experience. Just be there for him, try to be as calm as possible in his presence. If you need anything, if there's something you don’t understand, ask one of the nurses. They’re much more competent than myself when it comes to dealing with a patient in mental distress. It’s their job and they do it well.”

“Okay. Okay,” Jared nods, trying to get himself together. He can do this. He can. He will be there for Jensen. 

He tries to smile at Felicia when he sees how lost she seems, wonders what he must look like. He had barely taken the time to change out of his wet clothes before bringing Jensen here.

“Can I go see him now?”

“Yes, and I would advise that you go alone.” Dr. Collins gives Felicia an apologetic look. “It’s a shock, coming out of a catatonic state. Out of respect for Jensen let’s keep this as intimate as possible. Maybe Miss Day can visit tomorrow.”

“Totally, it’s not a problem. I just want what's best for Jensen,” Felicia babbles. 

“I’ll call you,” Jared tells her, kissing her on the cheek and taking the bag of Jensen's things she'd brought.

“You better,” she tries to joke, punching him lightly on the shoulder. 

He tries to laugh. Fails.

Jensen’s room is an ordinary one, except for a large window on one wall with a view toward the nurses' station. A young nurse gently explains to Jared that he can draw the curtains when he’s with Jensen as long as he opens them before he leaves and tells someone at the desk he’s going home. 

“Take it easy with him. He’s only just starting to come out of his catatonic state,” she adds.

Yeah, okay.”

Jensen is still lying on his back in a semi-sitting position, the sheets pulled up to his waist. An I.V. line is attached to the back of his left hand and three of his fingers have bandages around them where the fingernails were torn and bleeding. His eyes are barely open, but there is already more life in them than the last time Jared had seen him.

He still seems so far away though.

Jared drags a chair close to the bed and sits with the bag over his thighs. Jensen turns his head toward him in slow motion, but doesn’t try to speak, barely looks like he recognizes him.

“Hey, babe.” Jared takes his husband’s right hand between his. It tenses for a short while, enough for Jared to ask himself if he should be touching him at all. Then, it relaxes slowly.

“Floating,” Jensen mumbles.

“What?”

“S’like m’floating,” Jensen repeats in a dull voice. “Why m’I floating?”

“You’re… It’s the drugs. Something happened to you, but you’re okay now. Don’t worry about it.”

Jensen nods and closes his eyes. Jared doesn’t try to do or say anything, just stays there. Being there for him is what he can do, at least that's what Dr. Collins said. 

Over the next couple of hours, Jensen drifts in and out of sleep. The young nurse –Anabeth- who comes to check on him every thirty minutes tells Jared that it’s good, that the anxiolytics are working because he’s relaxed enough to doze off. 

Something changes each time, like Jensen’s more aware, less confused, although he doesn’t say anything and just looks at Jared. Jared takes each opportunity to talk to Jensen softly, stoking his hair back from his face and pressing kisses to his temple. 

At some point, though, he doesn’t fall back into his light sleep after a couple of minutes, just keeps looking at Jared until his eyes widen, like some sort of revelation is starting to hit him. He takes his hand out of Jared’s soft grip and drags it over his face.

“Fuck,” he murmurs almost inaudibly.

“Jensen. You’re okay.” Jared says, almost afraid to move now because he doesn’t know what to expect.

“It happened again, didn't it? The catatonia?” Jensen asks in a very small voice, his eyes huge and scared and already filling with tears.

 _No_ , Jared wants to answer because he can’t stand this, can’t be the one giving Jensen this news, doesn't want to see what it does to his broken husband. 

“Yes. But it's over now.”

“I thought… thought it was f-for real,” Jensen slurs, his lower lip shaking. “Jay, did I hurt the baby? Is the baby-“

“She’s fine. Dr. Collins checked her and she’s fine, don’t worry about that.”

“God, what is fucking happening to me?” Jensen manages to move enough to turn on his side, facing the wall. He goes rigid when Jared puts a hand on his shoulder.

“Take it easy-“

“Go away,” Jensen sobs. “Go’way please, don’t want you to see me like this.”

“Jen, I’m not-“

“Juss go…”

“Mr. Padalecki? Can I speak with you for a second?” The nurse is waiting at the door.

“Not now, I-“

“It won’t take long. I just have some papers for you to sign,” Anabeth insists, giving him a knowing look.

Jared sighs in impatience and follows her. She walks him a few feet away from the room.

“Where are the papers?”

“There are no papers. I think you should listen to Mr. Ackles and leave him alone if that’s what he wants.”

“But he’s crying and he’s-“

“I know. But right now, the important thing is to keep his anxiety level as low as possible. I’m not telling you to leave until tomorrow. Just… Take a couple of hours, then come back to see how he’s doing. We have your phone number, if anything happens we’ll call you.”

“I…”

Jared shifts from one foot to the other, still hesitating. It seems awfully cruel to let Jensen deal with his sorrow on his own, but Dr. Collins must be right, the staff here knows how to handle these situations better than he does. Anabeth is giving him this open, sympathetic look that might be annoying, but that doesn't make her advice any less frank and true.

“Okay.” He agrees, rubbing his face with his hand. 

A shower. He could use a shower.

After a quick shower, Jared finds himself cleaning the house with the dog following along behind him. As he cleans, he concentrates on the small, daily chores so that he doesn’t have to think about everything that’s going wrong right now.

When he’s done, he realizes he’s only been home for less than an hour.

He walks to the nursery and stands in the middle of it for a long time. The bed isn’t put together yet, neither is the changing table. They have to choose curtains, decorations to hang on the walls and a rocking chair. Jared wants a rocking chair in the nursery, one large enough to accommodate his tall frame so that he can rock the baby for hours if he feels like it. Jensen had laughed and teased him when he'd tried a dozen of them at the store and hadn't found one comfortable enough for his liking. Had Jensen been sincere in his light-hearted teasing, or had he already been fighting to keep up a good façade?

Jared doesn’t know anything anymore. He wants to speak with Daneel or his mom so badly it actually hurts. He won’t, though, because if Jensen doesn’t even want his husband at his side while he suffers, how will he feel about involving other people?

What if it was the other way around? How would Jared feel? It’s impossible to put himself in that situation, because it’s not the other way around. Jensen has always had a tendency to behave like he needs to protect and care for Jared. Jared has gotten used to it. And now, he feels so inadequate.

He closes his eyes. 

_It’s way past midnight at their wedding reception. Some of the guests are already gone, but the party is still going on. Jared is sitting at a table with Daneel and Chad, the three of them drunk and remembering some foul prank they had pulled in high school. Daneel’s usually perfect makeup is ruined because they have laughed too much. Chad is wearing a yellow hat with flowers that Jared’s almost sure belongs to his aunt Kathrin. Whatever. He has just married the love of his life and he’s so damn happy._

_“Hey, you,” Felicia appears at their table from out of nowhere, cheeks red, fighting to keep her balance. “There you are, Jensen is looking for you. Nice hat, Chad.”_

_“Indeed,” Chad agrees._

_“Where is he?”_

_Jensen is walking in their direction, a little unsteady, but still looking more sober than the four of them. He has lost the coat and the tie, his white shirt sleeves are rolled up and his suspenders are flapping loose against his legs. He smiles at Jared in that way that makes him feel like the most important person in the universe. His eyes are shinier than usual. Whenever he drinks too much, Jensen gives the impression he’s suddenly an adorable five year old and that he shouldn’t have been drinking at all._

_“Hey, husband,” he says solemnly. “I lost you.”_

_“I’m here.” Jared coos._

_“Come on, dance with me.” Jensen holds his hand out courteously to him._

_“I’m drunk.”_

_“So? I’ll drive.”_

_“So romantic.”_

_Jared sways on his feet but manages to join Jensen. He holds on to him as he’s dragged to the middle of the dance floor. They’re alone. Jared doesn’t even recognize the song that’s playing. Nothing matters except Jensen, the way he smells, his warmth, his strong hands around Jared’s waist. His eyes are so bright, locked intensely onto Jared’s._

_“God I love you,” Jared whispers, almost struck speechless._

_“You’re sappy when you’re drunk.” Jensen answers playfully, but he lifts one hand and softly strokes Jared’s cheek. “Love you too, babe.”_

_“We’re like… husbands now.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“I… it’s kind of amazing, isn’t it?”_

_“It is.”_

_Jensen wraps his arms around Jared’s neck. Jared lowers his to the other man’s waist, pinching Jensen’s ass in the process, making him giggle._

_“You… I wanna say something,” Jensen announces when they’re halfway through the song and barely moving anymore. “I wanna say something serious.”_

_“What?”_

_“I… What we did, today, exchanging vows and shit. It means something to me.”_

_“Me too.”_

_“Let me finish,” Jensen cuts him off, poking him in the chest._

_“Sorry.”_

_“So… Yeah. Want you to know… I’ll always be here for you, wanna take care of you, make you happy, ya’ know?”_

_Jensen’s eyes fill with tears. This is the first time Jared has seen him so emotional. He kisses him. “I know,” he whispers in his ear. “Who’s the sap now?” he adds as an afterthought._

_“Fuck you,” Jensen pokes him harder, but right after, he tightens his grip around Jared’s neck and sighs with contentment._

_“You are as drunk as I am,” Jared realizes._

_Jensen smiles brightly and nods. There, right there, he’s a candid five year old._

_“Maybe more.”_

Jensen’s asleep when Jared gets back to the hospital. Feeling nervous and ready to come out of his skin, Jared can’t stand to sit and wait. He warns the staff that he's leaving for a bit and finds the hospital’s cafeteria where he orders a coffee. He drinks it outside, walking in the parking lot under a cloudy sky. He finally sits on a bench to watch people come and go, wondering if some of them have a family member or a friend in the psychiatric ward, how they feel, if anyone else is as lost as he finds himself to be right now. It’s hard to concentrate on anything in particular. Jared starts to doze off and indulges in the feeling of lightness for a moment. He won’t fall asleep while sitting up on a bench.

The ringing of his phone brings him back to consciousness. He grabs it blindingly from his pocket, surprised to find himself half lying on the bench, even more surprised to see that it’s close to four o’clock on his cell screen.

Damn it.

“Yes,” He answers quickly, trying not to fall on his ass as he stands up.

There is only a long, harsh sob at the end of the line.

“Jen?”

“Jay, something’s wrong, something’s wrong with the baby,” Jensen hiccups. 

“What? What happened?”

Jared is running toward the entrance, his heart hammering in his chest.

“Nothin’ happened, but I know, I know somethin’s wrong, can feel it, she hasn’t moved since I woke up and they… they won’t listen to me.”

Jensen is hysterical. Jared slides between the elevator doors just before they close. It’s crowded. He can barely press the button for the floor he needs.

“Listen Jensen, I’m coming, I’m in the elevator, okay? Don’t worry, I’ll be there in two minutes.”

“’kay…”

Jared closes his phone and tries to ignore the looks people standing around are giving him.

Jensen is sitting on the side of the bed, his head shoved in his hands, shaking all over. The hospital gown he’s still wearing has slid from one of his shoulders, revealing white skin, and he has those long unshaped hospital socks on that bunch around his ankles. A nurse is standing next to him, rubbing his back and speaking softly. She sees Jared and smiles the same smile Anabeth had given him that morning. Maybe it comes with the job?

“There he is,” she says. “I told you he wasn’t far.”

“Hey, Jen,” Jared crouches in front of him. “Hey, babe, it’s alright, it’s okay.”

Jensen grabs him by his tee-shirt and holds onto him tightly. He’s still crying and shaking, his body hot against Jared’s chest, his heart beating rapidly, his breath coming in quick, uneven puffs. Jared wraps his arms around him and tries to remain calm when, in reality, he’s close to panic. It’s overwhelming to see Jensen like this. He hates it.

“She’s dead, I know she’s dead,” Jensen sobs against his chest.

“Come on, she’s fine. She’s fine, Jen. Dr. Collins examined you this morning and she was fine.”

“She’s not moving,” Jensen protests. “I know something’s wrong, I know…”

Jared gives the nurse a distraught look. He knows Jensen’s not thinking rationally, not right now, and he doesn’t know what to do, how to help.

“Mr. Ackles, try to slow your breathing. You have to give the pill a chance to work.”

“…Right,” Jared adds. “Breathe with me, babe.” He puts his hand on Jensen’s quivering chest. “Can you do that?”

“…And here she comes, just like I told you she would.” The nurse points toward the door where another nurse dressed in pink is waiting. 

“Hey there,” she says.

“Jody. Thanks for coming.”

Jensen lifts his head up, looking at the woman. He bites his lips hard to hold back his tears. “T-Thanks.”

“Now you have to lie down, okay?” the psychiatric nurse –Laurie- asks, and Jensen nods.

Seeing Jared’s confusion, Laurie explains. “Jody works in O.B. She came to check the baby’s heart rate to reassure Mr. Ackles that everything is okay.”

Jared has no doubt the baby’s heart is beating just fine. It touches him deeply to see the lengths the psychiatric nurse is willing to go to in order to comfort Jensen. 

He helps Jensen lie down, still overwhelmed by how distraught he is, shaking and shivering, still grasping Jared’s shirt with a death grip as though he’s afraid Jared will disappear if he lets go, his eyes darting from left to right to down at his stomach like a cornered animal. It’s unsettling to the point that Jared is taken aback. Nevertheless, he hovers next to Jensen protectively where he lays on the bed, one arm wrapped around his husband's shaking shoulders, the other clasped over the hand tangled in his shirt.

The O.B. nurse covers Jensen’s lower body with a sheet and lifts up his gown. When she pours conductive gel on his stomach, he closes his eyes and starts to murmur something that sounds like “please-please-please” over and over again. The nurses exchange a knowing look and Jody works quickly, pressing the small monitor to Jensen’s belly and searching for the baby’s heartbeat.  
Even Jared feels anxiety swell in his chest, waiting as the seconds passes.

“There,” Jody says suddenly, smiling brightly as the rapidly galloping heartbeat sound fills the room.

“It isn’t mine, right? It’s the baby’s, it’s the baby’s heart, right?”Jensen asks in a rush of words.

“Yours would be less acute in this area, and slower. Don’t worry, it’s the baby’s.”

“Wow.” Laurie comments in awe. The moment would be almost tender if not for the fact that Jensen is sobbing again, apologizing to everybody and covering his face with his hands.

Five minutes later, the o.b. nurse is gone and Jensen is already calmer, although he’s still crying. Jared has managed to half-stand, half-sit on the edge of the bed and is rubbing his back while Jensen’s head is buried in the crook of his neck, one arm wrapped around his waist, hiccupping softly and unevenly, like a kid who’s just scraped his knee and needs an adult to make it all better.

Laurie puts a glass of water on the bedside table, dims the light and closes the curtains. She smiles down at Jared who’s barely breathing, afraid he’s going to set Jensen off again. “He’s getting calmer. The drug is working,” she murmurs before she goes.

Jared is left to sweat, hushing a thirty year old man he’s suddenly not sure he knows any more. He feels like a damn jerk for thinking it, but he can’t stop himself. _What if I can’t do this? What if I’m not strong enough for the both of us?_

Jensen’s breathing finally evens out and there are no more sobs, just some sniffing from time to time. The silence in the room is almost eerie.

When his husband lifts his head to look at him, his face is covered in drying tears and clear snot, his skin blotched red and his eyes swollen. Jared grabs a couple of cheap tissues from the nightstand and gives them to him. Jensen wipes his face with a shaking hand, carefully avoiding Jared's gaze.

“M’a fucking mess,” he laughs nervously. “Shit, Jay, I’m sorry, so sorry. It’s… I don’t know. Can’t help it when it starts.”

Jared kisses him on the temple. “Nothing to be sorry for. You’re in the right place, now. They can help you here. You’ll feel better soon.”

“I…” Jensen swallows, hard, like it hurts. “I’ve only got one thing to ask you and it's not easy, but-“

“What?”

“Don’t leave me. Not now. After the baby’s born, I’ll be able to deal with it, but now I just can’t.”

“What do you mean?” Jared does his best to keep his voice low and calm, even if what he’s hearing breaks his heart.

“First you found out that I lied, and now you’ve just realized you married a basket case.”

“Don’t say that, okay? The thought never crossed my mind, Jen, not when I learned about Jenna, not last night, not now. I love you and I can’t stand to see you suffer like this, but I'm your husband and I'll take care of you, just like you've always taken care of me. I don’t even want you to think about that. Your head is full enough as it is. I forbid you to even consider it.” Just saying the words out loud strengthens Jared's resolve to do everything he can to help Jensen through this.

Jensen bites his lips and something passes briefly across his face. Jared can’t be sure Jensen really believes him, but for now this will have to do. They’re both exhausted, mentally and physically.

“She’s moving,” Jensen whispers. “Look. Right here, just under my navel.”

He takes Jared’s hand and places it on his still hot, damp skin. Jared feels it immediately, a series of soft pushes against his palm.

“See?" Jared says. "She’s strong, she’s fine. And you will be too.”

Jensen sighs and closes his eyes. Jared doesn’t move. Right now, it’s as if everything could really be alright, like the peak of anxiety Jensen had just gone through was nothing but a bad dream.


	8. Chapter 8

The first week is the worst. Jensen’s mental state is like a landmine zone. He shifts from agitated and needy, sometimes incoherent, to moody, almost unresponsive. There are several other anxiety peaks that leave both of them a little more exhausted, giving this already eerie, surreal situation more weight in their reality. 

Genevieve Cortese confirms her temporary diagnosis the day after Jensen’s admittance. General anxiety disorder, pre-obsessive thoughts and circumstantial depression. Because the anxiety is the major problem, the anti-depressant dose must be raised higher than it usually would be when dealing with depression only. Jensen worries himself to the point of almost being sick about the baby reacting negatively to the effects of the drugs. It doesn’t matter how many times the nurses, Jared and his psychiatrist try to reassure him – Misha Collins goes to the length of printing out all the known studies that prove the meds are safe. Jensen just can’t think rationally.

He has another catatonic episode the second day. During dinner, he tries to force himself to eat, really eat, for the first time since his admittance. Jared cringes, seeing how swallowing each mouthful seems painful for him. Sure enough, Jensen bolts into the bathroom and throws up what he has managed to push in so far. This results in another panic attack. He has to eat for the baby, he pants, looking at Jared with those wild, terrified eyes. He’s hurting her, not giving her what she needs. He’s an awful human being.

Before the nurse Jared has called even gets into the room, Jensen sits abruptly on the bathroom floor and stops shaking, stops crying. His mouth gets lax, his arms fall to either side of his body like they’re made of rubber.

It doesn’t last as long as the first time. Half an hour after another dose of intra muscular Ativan, he slowly comes back to himself, if “himself” can be described as the shivering man trying to curl into the tightest ball he can manage. 

Jensen doesn’t want to leave his room, or shower, or even dress in the clothes Jared had brought him from home. The third day, a nurse forces him to clean himself a little with a washcloth. Jared is mad at how hard she is on Jensen and he’s about to throw her out of the room when another nurse calls him from the door, like everybody working on this floor knows what he’s thinking and what his reactions will be.

It needs to be done, she tells him. It may seem cruel, but it’s part of the healing process. She also explains that the nurses take on that role so Jared won't have to. He has to keep Jensen’s trust and remain a source of comfort. Still, patients in the acute phase of their mental illnesses will neglect everything other than what’s going on in their head and it gets quickly debilitating, a vicious circle. They need someone to force them back into an apparent normality because they don’t have the capacity to do it themselves.

They’ll go slowly with Jensen, she tells him, because he’s so anxious that the smallest thing could trigger another panic attack, another catatonic episode. But they’ll increase the pace as time passes and the meds he’s taking reach a more efficient level. Jared agrees because he’s lost and, most of the time, he feels so useless when dealing with Jensen that he gets mad at himself.

When he gets back to the room and the nurse helps Jensen out of the bathroom, his face clean, his hospital gown changed, Jared is crushed by how exhausted he looks just from having cleaned up a little. He sleeps for three hours straight after that. It’s scary.

Then there are the fits of anger. Two over the first week of Jensen’s hospitalization, the first one during a meeting with Genevieve Cortese. Jared has gone to the cafeteria to get some coffee so Jensen can speak with his psychiatrist privately. When he comes back, it’s to hear Jensen yelling at the woman. “M’not going to kill myself! I’m pregnant! What kind of monster do you think I am?” It’s so unexpected that Jared fears Jensen is going to lose it completely and then it will be just like in the movies: some big guy will come out of nowhere to restrain him by tying him to his bed and a nurse will come in with a larger than life syringe to sedate him.

He walks into the room, ready to do something, but Jensen doesn’t seems like he's about to break furniture or hurt his doctor. He’s crying –which is like his default setting since his break down- and pressing his palms against his forehead while Dr. Cortese rubs his back. 

“I just want it to stop hurting so much. I’m so freaking tired,” Jensen rasps.

“I know. I know, Jensen,” Cortese simply says, casting Jared a look that says everything is under control.

The second time, it lasts longer and it’s directed at Jared. From the beginning, Jensen has made it clear that he doesn’t want anybody to know: not his friends, not his family, no one. Jared feels that it's wrong to hide this as though Jensen has something to be ashamed of. He and his brother are close, Josh should know, could give a little support and comfort, even if it’s only by talking with him on the phone. 

Jensen refuses and makes him swear. That’s when Jared has to admit that Felicia already knows, that she was there with him at the hospital the night of his admittance. Jared is already having difficulty keeping her away, because Jensen is not ready to see anyone and even the mention of it raises his anxiety level. Felicia is understanding but persistent. “Of course he’s going to say that, but you told me yourself he’s not making sense right now. He needs me, both of you do, Jay. You can’t keep up this pace, not alone, you’re going to end up in a room next to his.”

When Jensen starts swearing at Jared and yelling at him to “leave him the fuck alone”, Jared knows the best way to diffuse the situation is to give Jensen some space. He leaves the room and warns the nurses. He decides to go home for a little while, maybe have a nap if he can manage it, but he doesn't even get to his car before his cell phone rings. It’s Jensen, panting, saying he’s sorry, and “please don’t leave me Jared I’m so sorry, don’t leave me alone here.”

Jared goes back. Of course he does. He wonders for the hundredth time if he has the strength to get the both of them through this without losing his mind.

Jensen develops new nervous habits, like looking quickly from left to right, or playing with the edge of his flannel sheet when he’s in bed, scratching the fabric with his nail in a quick, constant motion. He barely looks people in the eyes anymore, Jared included. When he’s asleep, he has these nervous body jerks and grimaces. When he’s awake, he keeps touching his belly, furtively, like he doesn’t want anyone to realize he’s doing it but can’t help himself.

It’s been six days since Jensen has been admitted and Jared is supposed to be back at school tomorrow. He hasn't even thought about it until a colleague calls him to ask for a ride. School, work, normal life. Everything seems so far away, unreachable right now. Jared makes up an excuse and starts thinking about what he can come up with to take vacation at the beginning of the school year. He can maybe split his three paternity months before and after the baby is born. He wonders if that's doable, considering their already tight budget. One thing’s for sure, he won’t be able to go to work tomorrow, or the day after. He decides to call in sick for the first week. The students won’t be there before September second anyway. Right now, Jared can’t even imagine where he and Jensen will be in a day much less in a week.

He spends his day at the hospital, as usual. Jensen has been moved from the observation room to a normal one, but Jared can’t see what kind of improvement precipitated this decision. 

He talks his husband through eating breakfast and showering. It’s Jensen’s second shower and although he spends less than three minutes in it, maybe this, right there, this simple, routine thing, is a sign that his mental state is improving. Jared can only hope.

Right after his shower, Dr. Cortese comes for her daily visit and, as usual, Jensen is exhausted by the time she leaves. He sleeps through lunch. Jared stashes the desert from the tray before it’s taken away to give to Jensen later. He has started to bring food to the hospital, things he knows Jensen likes, fruits and nuts, food in small portions like cookies and crackers that seem less intimidating than a whole meal.

Jensen wakes up after two. He’s a shivering, whimpering mess. Most of the time, his nightmares are what wake him up. Jared asks but Jensen doesn’t want to talk about it, turns to lie on his side and asks Jared to just hold his hand. He’s fighting a new rise in his anxiety level, Jared can see it in the way his breath quickens and his gaze darts ceaselessly around the room. 

Minutes pass and Jensen seems to overcome this crisis without the help of an emergency anxiety pill. Jared breathes a little easier and is about to ask him if he’s hungry when Jensen looks over his shoulder at the open door and sits up abruptly.

“Fel?”

“Hey.”

Jared turns his head and sees Felicia standing in the doorway. She has a big paper bag pressed against her chest and a determined look on her face. 

“No, I’ve asked… I don’t want you to-“ Jensen starts to babble, his lower lip quivering. 

“Felicia-“ Jared starts, but she cuts him off.

“Listen, Jen. I know you’re in a bad place right now and that you think it’s better if I don’t see you like this, but I don’t give a fuck about what you think you must look like, what you think is so shameful you have to hide it from your best friend.”

That gets Jensen’s attention and, to Jared’s surprise, he looks calmer almost immediately.

“Fel, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I get it, but I decided not to listen to Jared. Both of you guys must be exhausted. I wanna help, man. Let me help.”

Jensen stays silent, still hiding behind Jared, but he doesn’t send her away. Felicia waits a little longer before she takes a couple of steps into the room. She takes something out of her bag, a small box wrapped in bright yellow paper. 

“I thought, you know, maybe it was time to get the celebrations started, for the baby. Maybe this could… hell, it’s just a pair of freaking pj's, I don’t-“

“S’okay,” Jensen murmurs. “More than okay. Come on, sit next to me. I want Jared to open it. He deserves to do it.”

Felicia grins and takes a seat next to Jensen. He smiles a little, touches his stomach quickly then blushes to the tips of his ears. They don’t touch each other. Felicia doesn’t seem so sure of herself now that she’s face to face with Jensen’s illness.

Breaking the silence, Jared takes the gift and unwraps it quickly, taking out a tiny set of pajamas. They’re a bright red color with a small fire truck embroidered on the front. 

“See,” Felicia says nervously, “not all little girls have to be dressed in pink or pastel colors and I know Jensen is allergic to ribbons and bows. And I remember how much I hated to wear pink when I was a kid. My mom would drown me in it and it didn’t even fit, with the red hair and all, and I wanted to… Jesus, I’m… Shut me up, someone, s’just a fucking pair of pajamas, it’s-“

“I love it, thanks,” Jared holds the pj’s in front of him so Jensen can see it.

“Yeah, it’s… You sure there isn’t a giant red bow hiding in there somewhere,” he tries to joke lamely, but hey, first attempt at a joke in a week, Jared is ready to celebrate.

“I'm sure. Got it from the boy's aisle.” Felicia half-laughs, half snorts.

“Thanks,” Jensen rasps, kissing her on the cheek. For a moment, the three of them remain perfectly still, then Jensen wraps both of his arms around Felicia’s waist and buries his head in the crook of her neck. “I don’t know what to do, I’m losing my mind, Fel,” he says in a choked voice.

Felicia looks at Jared and her eyes fill with tears. Well, they won’t be the last ones shed in this room, Jared thinks when she finally hugs Jensen back. 

“Hey, it’s okay, you’re okay,” she sobs. “Love you, Jen, love you so much, man. I know you’re going to get through this, alright?”

Those words, Jared has said them countless times before. There are only so many things you can say when facing this kind of situation, so much comfort you can provide when someone is that fragile, that close to complete collapse. 

He stands up slowly and leaves the room to let them have their moment.

That night, when he gets home, his mother calls. When she asks if he’s okay this time, he can’t lie to her. They talk for a long time. His mother doesn’t judge, just listens to everything Jared has to get off his chest. He feels a little better afterward.

The second week of Jensen’s hospitalization, he starts to show some improvement and Jared wonders when exactly something as simple as walking a few steps out of a room has become such a huge deal in his mind.

Every small step counts, Dr. Cortese has told him. He understands what she means. After all Jensen hasn’t had another catatonic episode and his panic attacks are decreasing in numbers and intensity. He still cries a lot and has to take a long nap in the middle of the day even after sleeping twelve hours a night. He doesn’t eat much, can’t concentrate on a book, but he has started to watch TV. He’s calmer. Felicia comes once a day and, most of the time, Jensen is glad to see her. 

On August 25th, he finally agrees to call Josh. Jared had coaxes him into it by assuring him that if Jensen doesn’t want Josh to tell their parents, he won’t. His older brother understands the problems Jensen has with Donna and Alan. He’s always been there for him.

Dialing the number seems like torture for Jensen. He holds on to Jared’s hand with a death grip as he waits for someone to pick up. When he bursts into tears, Jared knows Josh is at the other end of the line. Jensen shakes his head, his mouth covered with his hand, and gives him the phone.

“Josh, it’s Jared, don’t-“

“Jay? What’s going on, was that Jensen crying?”

Jared calms him down and tells him about the current situation without going into any more detail than he has to. Jensen is at the hospital because he needs to receive treatment for an anxiety disorder, probably triggered by a combination of the pregnancy hormones and what happened to him during his first pregnancy. Josh curses and says very sweet, empathetic words about his brother and well, Jared is close to tears all over again –surprise, surprise.

“Let me speak to him, Jay. Can he talk? Is he okay?”

“Yeah, he is. I think he was really nervous about telling you.”

Jensen looks at the phone for a couple of seconds before taking it slowly, rubbing at his eyes and clearing his throat. 

He talks with Josh for a long time, starts crying again, but more calmly this time. Jared tries not to listen, his presence just a reassurance. At some point, Jensen asks his brother not to tell their parents and, by the deep expression of relief that settles over his face, Jared guesses Josh has agreed.

Josh wants to fly to Providence, but Jensen is firm on that issue. He tells his brother he doesn’t have to, that he has people around him, and he’s going to call on a regular base. That seems to do it.

Jensen is so relieved afterward that Jared regrets not having insisted on doing it sooner.

Toward the end of the second week, Jensen is showering every morning without being asked and walking the corridor a couple of times a day, even though he never stops by the common room. He’d asked Jared to bring him his laptop and watches old movies on it - his favorites, black and white ones: _All about Eve, Rebecca, Morroco, Sabrina._ Most of the time, he doesn’t pay attention to the whole movie, but it’s so much better than a few days before that Jared won’t complain. 

In the evening, Felicia will sometimes bring some pictures from work with her and ask his opinion on a certain light, a pose, the best way to develop a portrait. Jared guesses she doesn’t really need Jensen’s advice, but it’s another way to draw him back to himself, to his life, to what he does and who he is. 

Jensen is eating better too. He starts to complain about hospital food, which is a huge improvement from the apathetic way he had been picking at his meals. He stops wearing the pj’s Jared had brought him and asks for real clothes instead. One morning, Jared arrives at the hospital and finds Jensen staring at his profile in the small mirror in the bathroom. He’s plastering his grey tee-shirt against his stomach, both hands holding it beneath his belly. “I’m gonna need new clothes,” he states. “She’s growing so fast.”

This is so normal, so casual, Jared could cry. He gets these glimpses of Jensen – the Jensen he knows - now and then that remind him where they both came from, that give him hope that there will be a life after Jensen’s illness.

One afternoon, when Jared comes back from a meeting with the school’s principal, Jensen isn’t in his room or in the corridor. Jared is just about to panic when he looks into the common room and sees his husband standing near the entrance, leaning his back against the wall. His head is lowered and he looks awfully nervous, but he’s speaking to someone. Another patient. She’s a young woman, can’t be more than twenty years old. She has the same nervous stance as Jensen and her smiles twitches as she puts her hand on Jensen’s belly.

Jared holds his breath. It’s heartbreaking to see the two of them trying to interact with each other despite their combined nervousness. 

“… little girl,” Jensen is saying.

“Oh really? Do you know what you’ll call her?”

“Not yet. We have ideas, but…”

Then, Jensen sees Jared and the moment passes. He blushes and joins him quickly, leaving the girl standing there on her own.

“I… She wanted to-“

“It’s alright. I just didn’t know you ever came here.” Jared tries to sound casual but it seems forced, even to his own ears.

Jensen shrugs and touches his belly quickly. Twice. “S’ only the second time. You huh… wanna walk a little?”

“’Course.”

Later, they watch a movie together sitting on Jensen’s bed. When the credits start to roll, Jensen sighs and buries his head in the crook of Jared’s neck. “I… I think I wanna go home.” He whispers almost inaudibly. 

Jared puts his arm around Jensen's shoulder and smiles. He’s anxious, wonders if Dr. Cortese will allow it and fears he won’t be able to give Jensen the support he'll need once he's back.

Still, the relief and excitement are the most prevalent emotions he’s feeling right now.

“Okay,” he answers just as quietly.

Jensen swallows back a sob.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 3

On August twenty-nine, Jensen gets to go home. The day before, he has a long session with Dr. Cortese. She asks Jared to joins them in the middle of it and they speak about the way Jared sees Jensen’s return. They talk about the signs they should both watch for that will tell them Jensen isn’t doing well, and about what Jensen needs to do to help his recovery. Jared takes everything in and swears to himself to do whatever he can to help his fragile husband follow the path to full recovery. He knows it will be weeks before he truly feels better. He knows there might be relapses, that Jensen can’t truly begin his healing process until after the baby’s born, alive and healthy. 

Yes, Jared knows all this but he also knows that here, between these walls, there is only so much progress Jensen can make. He wants to cook for him, lie in bed with him, sit outside in the backyard and watch the stars with him. He’s not afraid, he's determined. He wants to be able to erase the lost and scared expression from Jensen’s eyes and see them shine again when he looks at him.

They would have left that same day, but Dr. Collins wants to see them before they leave. Jared arrives at the hospital shortly after eight on the 29th. Jensen is showered and dressed, his bags are packed and he waits, sitting on his bed, looking tired and nervous but determined.

“So, you’re really ready?” 

Jensen nods. “I know, what I’m asking of you here.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning this isn’t going to be easy for you because I’m a needy mess, and you’ll have to deal with me all by yourself,” Jensen whispers, lowering his head.

“I can’t wait to deal with you all by myself,” Jared declares, which coaxes a small smile from Jensen. 

“What about work?”

Jensen hasn’t asked a lot of questions as to how Jared has dealt with his job so far because he just hasn't been able to care about it, not with how full his head has been. At least, that’s what Jared thinks. 

“I’m off until September eighth, then we’ll reassess. I may have to cut down on the amount of paternity leave I take, but-“

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll… After she’s born I’ll take care of her and-“

“Well, I know you will, but I want to spend at least a month home with my husband and our baby daughter.” Jared kisses the top of Jensen’s head. “And now I want you to stop worrying about my job, okay?”

Dr. Collins arrives, cutting their conversation short. He does a quick physical exam of Jensen, this time asking a nurse to bring a scale into the room. As it turns out, Jensen’s weight is the same as the week before he got admitted. Collins seems satisfied despite Jensen’s evident anxiety over it. 

“I know you lost weight right before and the first few days of your hospitalization, which means you must have gained it back. It would have been better if you had at least put on five more pounds, but due to the circumstances, this could have been worse. Your body is the principal loser in this since the baby will take whatever it needs and feed on your reserves.”

“Oh. Well, I don’t mind her doing that,” Jensen laughs nervously. 

Collins nods and sits in front of the both of them. “I wanted us to talk about your delivery before you go back home, Jensen.”

Jensen pales but nods nevertheless. Jared wraps his arm around his shoulder.

“I know it’s a tough subject, but you need to be prepared, okay?”

“Yeah,” Jensen whispers. “I know.”

“First, you need to know there isn’t anything wrong with the baby or your pregnancy, despite the circumstances. But I think it would be better if we went with a planned c-section.”

Jensen’s reaction is immediate. Jared feels his entire body tense next to him, can hear his breathing accelerate.

“No, I can’t… Don’t want to be asleep when… Don’t-“

Collins raises his hand in a comforting gesture. “You need to stay calm and listen to me. You won’t be asleep, okay? You’ll be aware of everything, you’ll hear your baby’s first cry. Most c-sections are done using an epidural.”

Jensen relaxes, although not completely. He touches his belly quickly, three times. “But why?”

“Because your mental state with a natural delivery could be bad enough to jeopardize it. We don’t want you to get into a prolonged state of anxiety. A birth is hard enough as it is and there are so many elements we can’t control.”

Jared keeps silent, wondering if a c-section is really necessary. Isn't it an invasive procedure, riskier than a natural birth? 

Then he thinks about Jensen’s condition. There is no way of telling how much better he will be by December. Right now, the bare mention of the delivery has visibly upset him. Can they risk this? If the labor goes on for too long, even if the baby is okay, what will his reaction be? Will he be rational about it or will the anxiety eat him alive if he thinks about how everything went the first time.

“Dr. Collins is right,” he finally states. “Jensen, you have to think about yourself.”

“No, for once, I’m not thinking about myself. M’thinking about our little girl. Could this cause her problems?”

“No. Listen, Jensen, your stress level and your capacity to give birth are as important as any other health problems. I don’t want to sound harsh, but what if you fall back into a catatonic state right in the middle of the labor? What if we have to medicate you through the labor and delivery?”

Jensen wipes at a single tear sliding down his cheek. He shakes his head, stretching one hand to scratch the flannel sheets with his fingernails. “I’ve ruined everything,” he whispers. “I’m not even good enough to-“

“No, stop that,” Collins says with authority. “You’re going through an incredibly tough time and you need help, just like someone with a broken leg would need help. This isn't any different, Jensen, and you have to understand that. The c-section will be easier on you. It won’t affect the baby and if the placenta causes any problems, we will already be there to resolve it. I’m not saying it’s likely to happen, but think about it: an umbilical cord wrapped around a baby’s neck can’t cause any damage if the baby is delivered by c-section. This would be another way for you to be assured than none of what happened last time will happen again. You’ll know when the baby will be born, you’ll know how much time it will take, your husband will be next to you and you’ll be awake.”

Jensen bites his lips. The idea is visibly making its way into his head. _Scratch. Scratch. Scratch._ His fingers on the sheet. Jared wonders if these nervous habits are here to stay.

“I… understand," he finally says.

Collins smiles. “Good. At our next appointment, I’ll do another sonogram to evaluate the baby’s age more precisely. Then, we’ll be able to schedule a c-section at the beginning of the thirty-eighth week. More or less.”

Finally, the androcologist leaves, wishing them good luck. Jensen sighs deeply, leaning against Jared. “Home,” he whispers.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

Jensen doesn’t do much the first few days after his return home. He sleeps a lot, which is normal, according to Dr. Cortese. He watches TV, reads a little. He still looks nervous and on edge, the belly-touching keeps happening, and he’s quiet. He does seems relieved to be back, though. They spend their nights with Jensen plastered against Jared, holding onto him, his breath warm on Jared’s chest.

After two days, they need to run errands to buy groceries and Jensen refuses to go. He says he’s not ready. Jared hesitates to leave him alone, even for an hour, but decides to go for it. Getting back to a normal routine is one of the keys to Jensen’s recovery, according to Cortese. They can’t hole themselves up until December.

Jensen does well during Jared’s two-hour absence. When he comes back, arms full of purchases, Jensen is waiting for him, sitting calmly at the kitchen table. He smiles when he sees him.

“It was okay,” he says, unable to completely hide the pride in his voice. “I didn’t feel too anxious.”

Jared smiles back at him, and thinks that he’s not much better at hiding how proud he is of his husband.

It gets better as time passes. After a week, Jensen is able to take walks in the neighborhood at least once a day. He still doesn’t want to go out in crowded places, but Jared hopes that will come in time. 

His sleep pattern gets back to normal. He wants to help Jared with the household chores, wants to cook, speaks with his brother on Skype on a regular basis. 

He insists that Jared go back to work when he’s supposed too, even though Jared hesitates. This, what they have right now, it’s fragile. Jensen still sometimes needs an anxiolytic when he just can’t calm down by himself. “It’s like my brain is working against me, Jay,” he tries to explain. "When I start thinking about the baby, about everything that could go wrong, it won’t stop. Like there’s another Jensen in there who’s job is to convince me that the baby isn’t okay, that I’ll never get to hold her. And he’s hard to shut up. Keeps repeating the same thing again and again and then I… the panic starts and I just can’t… empty my head and let go.”

This isn’t just about the occasional pill to help control his anxiety, there is so much more. Although Jensen has made progress since his breakdown and his first days at the hospital, he’s far from being back to himself. He’s needy, insecure, tires easily and needs constant reassurance. For Jared to go back to work full time seems very risky, in his eyes. The thing he fears the most is for Jensen to regress instead of making progress. 

They find a compromise. Jared only takes half of his work load back, which means he has a lot of free time and will never have to spend whole days at school. The commute to work barely takes ten minutes. He’ll be able to come back home during the day, when he doesn’t have class.

Jensen accepts this compromise willingly. He even seems a little relieved, which tells Jared he has made the right call.

Before Jared starts working again, they go together for an appointment with Dr. Cortese. She seems pleased by the way Jensen’s progressing. He complains he still has trouble leaving the house or imagining the birth of their daughter in a positive, realistic way. He needs to take it one day at a time, she repeats. He was in a very bad place when he got hospitalized and maybe can’t really see the progress he’s made. 

Jensen sighs. “To be honest, after Jay found me in our backyard, the first couple of days are kind of blurry. I don’t really remember, except that it fucking hurt just to keep going. Every minute seemed like a day.”

“You know,” Genevieve clears her throat. “You were in a pre-psychotic state, Jensen. We were lucky we could help you in time.”

Jensen’s eyes go wide at the mention of the word “psychotic.” Jared shivers, but he figures he knew it all along. Imagining that your baby daughter is buried alive in your backyard isn’t what anyone would call living in reality, and that’s what psychosis means: losing contact with reality. 

He still wonders how much worse it could have been.

One day at a time. 

Jared goes back to work. The first few days, he can’t concentrate, can’t help but worry constantly. He knows Jensen is doing better and that Felicia takes every opportunity she has to stop by. Still, he’s always relieved when he comes back home and finds out that Jensen has managed on his own. He still doesn’t do much, still acts a little nervous, unsure of himself and needs reassurance, but he manages. 

They haven’t talked about the baby since Jensen’s return home. Jared doesn’t quite know if he should or not. They’re heading toward October, the nursery isn’t finished and there is still a lot of equipment and furniture to buy. They don’t have a name yet. Jensen’s belly is now round and full, pressing against the fabric of his too-tight clothes. He looks gorgeous despite the dark circles under his eyes and the paleness of his face. Jared doesn’t dare tell him. 

In the end, it’s Jensen who takes the first step. They’re eating dinner quietly one evening when he asks Jared if they could go buy new clothes for him during the weekend.

“Yes, of course,” Jared says, trying to contain his excitement.

“Because these don’t fit me anymore. I feel like they’re about to be torn apart just like the Incredible Hulk,” Jensen adds, smiling and blushing at the same time.

“You’re way more sexy than the Incredible Hulk.”

“Hope so. Anyway, Fel got this idea of taking photos of me and, you know, my belly, for us to remember and you could be there too and-“

“Really? That’s awesome.”

“I knew you’d like it. I’m warning you though, no cheesy pose of us looking far away with your hands on my belly.”

This last sentence is so Jensen-like that Jared’s smile grows wider. He agrees. At this point, he guesses that if Jensen wanted him to pose nude with pigtails in his hair, he’d say yes.

The day they go shopping, Jensen is nervous and takes an anxiety pill before they leave, just in case. It turns out fine, fine enough that he suggests they do a little shopping for the baby as well. Afterward, he falls asleep on the couch, completely spent. Jared is so proud of him he feels like he’s about to burst.

Felicia won’t let them see the photos of the session. It’s a surprise, she says. That night, Jared and Jensen make love for the first time since Jensen’s breakdown. The antidepressants he’s taking are known to diminish his sexual needs and it’s hard for him the get relaxed enough. Jared doesn’t mind –he’s too happy with Jensen doing better to complain about that kind of stuff. Still, their love-making is sweet, tender. Jensen looks and acts unsure, as if it’s his first time and it fills Jared with a love almost too painful to bear. They come one right after the other. Jensen sheds a few tears, apologizes, not for the first time, for what he’s put Jared through. Jared holds him tight and tells him to shut up. Jensen smiles through his tears.

Dr. Collins schedules the c-section for November 20, at eight in the morning. Their daughter has already turned with her head down Jensen’s pelvis, not that it changes anything regarding the surgery, but it’s another sign that everything is normal with her development. She kicks and moves her head on the sonogram screen. Collins asks if they have a name for her yet. They don’t.

Toward the end of October, Jared and Jensen spend an afternoon at Felicia’s. She'd invited them over to see the pictures she took. They’re all hanging on her walls, some in black and white, some in color, large 11” x 14” prints still curling on the bottom, fresh from the black room. She wants them to choose which ones they like best. Jared would take them all. Jensen is more technical about it, maybe because it’s easier than just staring at himself and his swollen belly again and again. “I like the shadows, there,” he points out. “And the grainy black and white.”

“I know your tastes,” Felicia points out, smiling widely.

The grainy black and white photo is beautiful. Jared and Jensen's faces are out of focus in the background, only Jensen’s hand over his belly is clear and pale, casting a shadow on the pale cotton of his shirt. It gives a vibe of both strength and vulnerability. 

“I want all of them, in poster format,” Jared declares.

Jensen rolls his eyes at him, just like the old Jensen would have done. It feels good.

When they get back, Daneel’s car is parked in their driveway and they can hear Storm whining plaintively from the backyard, meaning she’s locked outside.

“What’s going on?” Jensen asks when Jared helps him out of the car. 

Fear is already blooming in his eyes.

“I swear I don’t know. Maybe Daneel was just passing by and decided to wait for us.”

“That isn’t like her.”

“Look, it’s nothing, I’m sure. Come on.”

Although Daneel doesn’t know the worst, doesn’t know Jensen has been hospitalized for more than two weeks, she does know about his anxiety disorder and how fragile his mental balance remains from day to day. Jared knows his friend well enough to know she wouldn’t do anything to put Jensen in a difficult situation.

She waits for them at the door. Jensen looks over her shoulder like he’s seeing someone else behind her and barely says “hi.” Jared doesn’t know what he’s expecting. He gives Daneel a warning look while kissing her.

“Okay, guys,” she says quickly, raising both of her hands in a calming gesture. “It’s just me. Nothing to worry about… Wow Jensen, your belly looks huge!”

“Huh. Thanks?” 

“Anyway, I thought it was kind of sad for you guys not to have a baby shower.”

Jensen pales. This is too much for him, of course it is. Jared frowns at Daneel so hard his eyebrows hurt.

“But!” Daneel goes on quickly. “I know you didn’t want to have one, that Jensen wasn’t up to it. And I totally respected that.”

Not very subtle, Daneel. Her sweet smile is kind of hard to resist, thought.

“So, come on guys, to the living room, where your own private baby shower is waiting for you.

She doesn’t wait for their reaction before she drags them both to the living room. There are presents everywhere, some huge, some very small. A couple of balloons hang on the wall and a huge paper banner says: Welcome Baby Ackles-Padalecki.

“Surprise!” Daneel says, pushing them toward the presents.

Jensen’s mouth is hanging open. Jared blinks a couple of times.

“Daneel? You didn’t buy all of this, did you?”

“Hey, I’m a secretary, I don’t shit money,” she replies playfully. 

“But how… what did you…?” Jensen is running his fingers along a big box near him covered in ribbons.

“I went to see all of our friends – and your families too, guys, to collect the gifts. Jensen, your mom doesn’t like me, I don’t know why.”

“Because you’re nice and sparky and wear too much make up,” Jensen deadpans.

“What?” Daneel raises a hand to her face.

“Don’t worry, any make up at all is too much for my mother,” Jensen adds. “You’re perfect.”

“You… those are from Texas!” Jared exclaims, picking up a heavy box with the very recognizable handwriting of his mother.

“That’s why it took so long. Had to wait for Josh, Mackenzie, Jeffrey, Megan and your parents to send the gifts. I’ve been at this forever.”

“What did you tell everybody?” Jensen asks, sounding tense suddenly. “That I was too much of a wreck to-“

“Hey, no, I would never do that,” Daneel cuts him off softly. “I told them it’s the new way to do baby showers, that everybody in New York and L.A. are doing it this way. Everybody brings presents and they let the parents-to-be open them together.”

“And they bought that?”

“When I said that Prince William and Kate Middleton had done it that way, I convinced the most reluctant ones.”

Daneel looks so proud of herself, like a little girl who just succeed in tying her shoe laces for the first time. Jared hugs her against his chest. What she did is incredibly delicate and respectful of their current situation.

“And now, I’ll leave you guys to it. You gotta thank Felicia for getting you out of the house while I put it all together, by the way. Oh, there’s even a cake in the fridge.”

Daneel kisses the both of them and is already turning away when Jensen grabs her wrist. “Won’t you stay? Come on, Danni, you did all this… And fuck, just ‘cause I can’t act like a normal person...”

Jared goes immediately into protective mode. “Jen, nobody thinks you’re-“

Jensen huffs, exasperated. “Hey, no need to reassure me. I just want Daneel to stay with us while we unwrap the presents.”

“Don’t forget the cake. There is cake, your favorite.”

Jensen frowns. “Well, as long as it’s big enough for the three of us because, you know, I gotta eat for two.”

“It’s enough to feed twelve people, Ackles. Think you could spare me a piece?”

“We’ll see.”

Jensen hasn't seemed this relaxed since before the pregnancy. Jared is scared to say a word, scared the moment will pass too soon. He looks at his best friend and is reminded once again of why he loves her so much.

“What to open first?” Danni walks between the presents, then makes a fake-surprised face. “Oh. This one is from Mark and me. Well…”

“Not yet,” Jensen stops her before she can pick it up. 

Daneel freezes, visibly as careful as Jared to not mess with Jensen’s good mood. 

“We should call Felicia and invite her over. She covered for you and she took those awesome pictures of us.”

He looks at Jared, biting his lips, almost as if he’s asking permission. “I’ll call her,” Jared says quickly.

“Great, now we have to share the cake with another person.” Danni all but pouts.

They have a great time. Jared can’t remember the last time he laughed so much and felt so relaxed. Well, he does remember, but since it had happened before Jensen got pregnant, it’s way too distant to count.

They open the presents together. Felicia takes pictures. Danni stuffs herself with cake. Some of the presents are great. Jared’s mom sent a small quilt with complicated patterns in shades of yellow, green and pink. Some others are… well, interesting. One of Jensen’s colleagues gave them a whole collection of pacifiers with monster's mouths. It’s supposedly hilarious to have your newborn look like it has fangs with blood dripping from its mouth. Daneel tries one and they laugh so hard Jensen becomes red and crosses his legs in panic.

“Stop it, guys, really.” He squeaks.

“You okay?”

“I’m gonna pee myself,” Jensen declares solemnly.

Felicia bursts out laughing so hard she scares Mr. Mitten who is playing with a discarded ribbon.

“S’not funny,” Jensen protests, “My bladder is all compressed by my uterus and the baby kicks it all the time.”

He's still smiling, though. Later, when they’re surrounded by torn paper and baby gifts and drunk on sugar and too much laughter, Felicia asks Jared and Jensen if they’ve decided on a name yet.

“No,” Jensen yawns. He settles more comfortably on the couch against Jared, his belly on display. “Jared thinks Willow is a dwarf's name.”

“You’re supposed to say person of short stature,” Danni points out from the floor where she’s sitting with Storm, petting her head while the dog sighs in ecstasy.

“I loved that movie when I was a kid,” Felicia declares. “I’ll never be able to think of anything else if you name your daughter Willow.”

“See?” Jared says in triumph, rubbing his hand over Jensen’s belly. “I like Audrey, or maybe Marlene.”

“Marlene? Yuck. Sounds horrible,” Danni declares. “Oh. I get it. Your two favorite actresses, right?”

“Marlene Dietrich was so fucking classy and gorgeous, but the name is so-so,” Felicia adds. “What about you, Jen?”

“Well, I guess we all know who my favorite actress is,” he says, rising an eyebrow.

“Bette Davis,” the three others says in a perfect synchronization.

Jensen likes to say he’s in love with Davis, on an intellectual level. Jared isn’t jealous, given that she is, among other things, deceased. He likes when Jensen quotes _All about Eve_ , a movie he knows by heart. 

“Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night,” Jensen declares in a perfect imitation, only an octave lower.

“So, Bette?” Danni asks.

“No, not Bette. I love her, but the name… It would have to be Elisabeth, and then who knows what her friends would call her, Betty, Lisbeth, Liz? Blergh,” Jensen shivers. 

“Nobody will call her “Blergh,” Felicia cackles. 

“Ah. Ha. Very funny.”

“Well,” Jared says very slowly, the embryo of an idea popping into his mind. “Her character name in _All about Eve is Margo_. That's kind of classy, too. And cute… And not too common.”

“Margo,” Daneel pronounces slowly. “Yeah, I like it.”

Jensen lifts his head and looks at Jared. “You know, it’s… it’s a pretty name. Strong. Just like Bette Davis, just like her character. I… I think we should consider it.”

“And her middle name would be?” Felicia asks.

“Gosh, Fel, it took them like… seven months to pick the first name. Give them some time,” Danni replies.

Felicia isn’t done, though. For the next half hour, she suggests all the names she can think of, picking the most ridiculous and strange of them all. Then Jared tries to outdo her and Daneel becomes the judge of who will think of the ugliest name. Jensen is relaxed against Jared, smiling lazily, his cat purring at his feet. At some point during their silly games, he falls asleep. When Jared realizes, he asks the girls to lower the volume. 

“We should go,” Felicia says. 

“We should clean up,” Daneel adds, yawning.

“No, leave that to me. You’ll wake him up.”

“Well, I won’t complain.” Daneel gets up slowly, stretching.

She looks at Jensen and gets a soft smile. “He seemed better today. How is he holding up?”

“There are good days and bad days,” Jared whispers, tightening his grip around Jensen’s shoulders. “But he’s better. Thanks, for doing this, Danni. It was great. You made him laugh. I miss that so much.”

Jared swallows hard. He needs to stop talking right now or he’ll end up crying.

“You’ve been so great with him,” Felicia adds because apparently, the girls have plotted to make him lose it. 

“I do what I can,” Jared protest. “You know, maybe I’m just selfish because it hurts so much seeing him suffer and I never wanna have to witness that again.”

When the girls are gone, Jared slowly extricates himself from the couch without waking Jensen up. He cleans up and carries the presents to the nursery which is completed now and ready to receive their daughter. 

“Margo,” he murmurs at the empty room.

“Yeah, Margo,” Jensen repeats behind him, startling him. He slides his arms around Jared’s waist and kisses him on the back of the neck.

“I woke you up,” Jared says quietly, leaning into his husband’s body heat, feeling his large belly pressing firmly against his back.

“Well, you, or the gastric reflux. Too much cake.”

Jared laughs and turns toward Jensen. He still looks half asleep, his eyes barely open. Jared kisses him.

“Margo Padalecki,” Jensen adds.

“Ackles-Padalecki.”

Jensen shakes his head. “No. The poor girl doesn’t need two last names. I’m the one who gets to carry her. You should be the one to give her your name.”

“Are you sure?”

Jensen nods. “Besides, Margo Ackles kind of sounds weird.”

“Well…”

“It’s settled then,” Jensen declares, ending Jared’s protests. 

“I love you.”

“Sap.”

“Yeah, totally.”

“Let’s go to bed. My back is killing me.”

Jared nods and takes Jensen’s hand to lead him out of the nursery. Jensen stops in the doorway and takes one last look around. “You know, tonight, when we were talking about names and stuff?”

“Yeah?”

Jensen bites his lips and lowers his eyes, touching his belly quickly. “I could actually imagine her. I could see myself, holding her in my arms. It’s… it’s the first time since I got pregnant.”

“That’s great, Jen.”

Jensen snorts nervously. “Well, I’ll take what I can get. Usually, whenever I try to imagine our future with her, all I can think about is the day Jenna was born and what happened then. I mean, it’s still there in my mind all the time even though it doesn’t take up much space.”

“It won’t take any space at all once you get to hold our little girl for the first time.”

“Yeah…” Jensen trails off, still sounding unsure. He sighs and follows Jared out of the nursery. That night, Jared sleeps well and soundly. That night, he starts to believe in Jensen’s strength, in his will to fight his mental illness despite how hard it is sometimes. 

You never realize how much you miss the simple act of hoping until it comes back and blooms in your chest like a flower.


	10. Chapter 10

It’s snowing on November 20th. Jensen wakes up at five AM, his bladder so full it hurts. His daughter is pushing against his belly like she wants to get out of there by her own means.

Jensen winces when he gets up, the small of his back protesting, the muscles there stiff and throbbing. He walks slowly to the bathroom, feeling swollen and clumsy. Storm follows him, but doesn’t jump or whine to go outside. She’s been very calm with him lately, like she understands what’s going on.

Jensen empties his bladder and goes to open the backyard door for the dog. Storm runs outside and starts rolling in the snow, getting on her back and twisting like she wants to make an angel. Mr. Mitten stays in the doorway, unsure of what to do. He takes one step on the white ground and runs back inside, looking disgusted by the temperature. "Wuss," Jensen tells him while the cat brushes against his legs. He would bend down to scratch him behind the ears, but the effort seems too much. 

Jensen makes his way back to the bathroom and starts the shower. He stays under the hot spray for a long time, the muscles of his back slowly relaxing. He leans against the tiles, watching as the water hits his belly.

He feels huge. Can’t see his feet when he looks down. The skin around his navel is so stretched and tight it gives the impression it’s going to tear open at any moment. When Margo moves now, it’s uncomfortable, if not painful, depending on what she does. 

Almost over, now.

Jensen gets out and dries himself. The amount of energy it takes to do this simple task is enough that all he wants to do is go back to bed and sleep a little more. He can’t, not this morning. They have to be at the hospital one hour before the scheduled c-section.

He thought he would be a bundle of nerves. He’s fairly surprised he managed to sleep at all last night. He waits for the anxiety to settle in. Dr. Collins had told him he could take an anxiolytic before getting to the hospital and Jensen will probably end up do it, but the fact that he didn't need it as soon as he woke up is as surprising as it is reassuring. 

It’s almost six am by the time Jensen walks back to the room to dress. He picks soft paternity jeans and a loose long-sleeve shirt. He needs to feel comfortable today. When he’s done, he shakes Jared’s shoulder lightly. After a couple of groans, Jared’s eyes open wide and he fights the sheets to sit up.

“Time’s’it, we late?” he mumbles, rubbing at his face.

Jensen smiles. “No, we’re not late, but it’s six, time to get up."

Jared nods and sits on the edge of the mattress. Despite the sleepy expression on his face, there is concern there too as he studies Jensen carefully. “How do you feel?”

“Good. I don’t… I’m not as nervous as I thought I would be.”

“You don’t look nervous. I am, though. In a good way.”

Jared grabs Jensen’s hand and pulls until he has no choice but to sit next to him – except it’s more like falling, with the weight of his belly making him lose his balance. He sighs and leans against Jared’s body, still hot from sleep. “Can’t believe we’re here,” he whispers.

“You did it, Jen. You’ll never know how proud of you I am.”

Jensen doesn’t say anything to this. What can he possibly say anyway? It’s not the first time they've had this conversation. Since the beginning of November, Jensen really has felt better, enough to talk about his mental disease with Jared openly, enough so that he can distance himself from the man who'd thought he'd been going crazy in the psychiatric ward.

It’s not easy looking back and Jensen guesses it will take a lot more time before he's able to face, really face, how bad it was, how hard it was. Some of those early days, as much as the first month following his breakdown, he can’t even remember clearly. They're just a mess of vague images, clouded by the anxiety and the fear that had been poisoning him.

He does know how hard it must have been for Jared, though, and he has apologized, more than once. The guilt is there to stay for now, even if his husband has told him numerous times he doesn't have anything to apologize for. 

Jensen can read, sometimes, between Jared’s words, or by the expression on his face, how scared he’s been. The mere thought that he’s responsible for it is hard to deal with. He tries, though. The meds are helping. They keep him from spiraling downward all over again. Guilt, fear, self-loathing. He can push it away much more easily now when he needs to.

“We’re going to meet our baby girl soon,” Jared murmurs, wrapping both arms around Jensen’s belly.

Jared deserves this so much. He deserves to hold his baby in his arms and be a proud father. He has changed during Jensen’s pregnancy. He has lost the slight vulnerability, the impression he used to give that he was still a little boy trapped in a giant’s body. He's more mature.

It’s not like Jensen has given him any choice. He doesn’t think Jared will ever be like he was before the pregnancy. Jared knows now that there is a fragility hidden in his husband’s mind. He has learned to take the lead, to worry more and to be a supportive, ever-present, reassuring partner for Jensen.

It’s not a bad thing. It’s not something Jensen has ever wished to happen either. It’s just the way things are now. Because of Jensen. 

How could he refuse, then, when Jared had asked him if he minded his mother flying in from Texas to spend a couple of weeks with them? He could see in his husband’s eyes how important it was for him. Jensen would have liked to remain in an intimate bubble with Jared and their daughter for the first few days. However, he doesn’t have the faintest idea about how he’s going to feel, physically – and more importantly, mentally, after the c-section. If Jared needs support, needs him mom, Jensen will just have to deal with it. Besides, Sherry Padalecki is a wonderful person, caring and thoughtful. She had called Jensen a couple of weeks ago, asking him how he was doing, being so respectful and delicate about his illness. Jensen had been pretty close to tears when he hung up.

Then again, he’s been close to tears or shedding them so often since his breakdown that it doesn’t really matter anymore.

He stirs and asks Jared to help him up. “Come on, lazy ass, if you wanna have time to shower and eat something.”

“I won’t have breakfast in front of you.”

“Hey, I’m fasting because I have to – the last thing I need is for you to pass out during the c-section because of low blood sugar.”

“Alright, then.”

Jared showers and eats in record time. While he waits for his husband to be ready, Jensen goes through the stuff they’re taking to the hospital once again. He can’t help but unfold the pajamas they had chosen for Margo to wear home from the hospital. They're so small, so soft, so… _pastel_. Mauve is the right term, Jensen guesses. Jared had been crazy about them at the store. Jensen had given in.

“You’ll be here with us, in daddy’s arms, a couple of hours from now,” Jensen whispers to his belly, rubbing it softly.

He believes it.

The anxiety starts to rise on their way to the hospital. Jensen thinks about Steve and him in the same situation more than seven years ago. They had both been so nervous that they couldn’t stop laughing. Jensen's contractions had started at fifteen minutes apart and Steve had driven way too fast. “Next time we sit in the car together, our little girl will be in her seat in the back with us. Can you believe it, Jen?” Steve had said.

The next time they had been in the car together, there was no baby, no laughter, just a painful silence as Steve drove Jensen to his parent’s.

He’s breathing too fast. The anxiety pills are in his pocket. He takes one without hesitating. He needs to be as calm as possible for Margo’s birth.

“Getting nervous?” Jared asks.

“Yeah, I’m…” Jensen laughs awkwardly. “M’terrified.”

“In a good way?”

“Can one be terrified in a good way?”

“F’course,” Jared smiles, easy and comfortable. “I’m terrified to be a bad father, not to be able to hold her properly or to rock her to sleep when she cries.”

“…And I’m terrified she won’t make it,” Jensen voices calmly. “I get what you mean.”

“Hey, no, Jen, that isn’t what I mean at all.” Jared protest vehemently.

“Well, it is what it is, Jay. I still have trouble being rational about it, but at least I’m able to recognize that. Ready to deal.”

“And I’m ready to help you deal.”

Jensen smiles softly, turning his head to look at the snow falling through the window. “I know you are.”

By the time they roll Jensen’s gurney to the surgery room, he’s shaking all over, teeth chattering, shivers running from the middle of his back to his neck. He doesn’t feel anything below the lower part of his torso. This time, the epidural is doing what it’s supposed to do.

He knows they’ve injected him with a painkiller as well. This, added to the Ativan he took earlier, gives him the strange impression that time isn't passing as it should. He’s not “high”, not per se, but the mix of drugs and the adrenaline from what is about to happen is giving everything a slightly surreal vibe.

Jared is nowhere to be seen. He only left Jensen's side because the nurse wouldn't let him into the operating room until he was dressed properly for the c-section. Jensen is afraid he won’t be back in time. He knows it’s his anxiety trying to work him up. There is no reason for Jared not to be back.

The operating room is clinical, white tile walls, tubes hanging here and there, machines waiting to be used. Jensen is rolled right to the middle of it and a bright light makes his eyes water. He turns his head toward a masked nurse adjusting his I.V. line. “Where’s m-my husband?”

“He’s coming, sweetie, don’t worry.”

Jensen can see the nurse is smiling by the way the corners of her eyes crinkle. He takes a deep breath in. “It’s… it’s kind of a lot to take in .”

“It is,” she agrees, patting him on the shoulder. “We’ll put a sheet right there so you won’t see what Dr. Collins is doing.” She points at his chest. 

“Yeah, okay.”

“And, when your little girl comes out, you’ll be able to see her immediately. It usually doesn’t take much more than half an hour from the point we get started, and then it will all be over.”

“I’m… fuck, I’m scared,” Jensen says because he is, he’s scared, even if everything is toned down by the drugs.

“Don’t worry. A c-section is a very simple procedure. You’re in good hands with Dr. Collins. Oh, there’s your husband. I told you it wouldn’t be long.”

Jensen turns his head and sees Jared’s very recognizable silhouette. He looks kind of goofy in his scrubs and his hat. Jensen smiles.

“Sorry, we couldn't find anything that fit,” Jared sits on the small bench placed next to Jensen especially for him, a little short of breath.

“Why doesn't that surprise me?”

“You doin’ okay?”

“I’m… Yeah I’m just… “

“Everything is going to be fine. We’ll get to meet Margo soon.”

“We will, won't we?” Jensen can’t help but ask. “I… what if she-“

“Let’s get this show on the road,” Dr. Collins announces his presence as he pushes through the doors with both of his hands raised at head level, just like in the movies. 

He stops by Jensen and smiles under his mask. “I’m good at my job, Jensen. And right now, there is nothing more important to me than to deliver your little girl so that you can meet her. Trust me.”

This somehow brings tears to Jensen’s eyes. The sheet hiding his belly is already up. He feels very exposed, helpless. The sensation is strange, he knows something is going on, knows he’s being touched, even though he can’t really feel it. He stretches a hand out to grab Jared’s and squeezes it hard.

“It’s okay, babe. M’right here.”

Jared kisses Jensen’s cheek. It’s wet. Damn it, he’s crying. Doesn’t even know why. Everything is so overwhelming all he can do is concentrate on his breathing and try to keep his mind empty of all the poisonous thoughts that have been plaguing him since the beginning of the pregnancy. 

Dr. Collins is speaking to him, Jared keeps murmuring reassuring words. The tears keep coming. He can’t help it. He wants it to be over, but at the same time, he’s so afraid of what might happen he wishes he could stay pregnant forever. 

_Please, please, please_ , he thinks while Dr. Collins starts to get the baby out. He can feel it, although it doesn’t hurt. Can feel being stretched, being opened, can feel the pressure inside of him. _Please, please, please_ , he thinks again, and it starts a loop. At some point, he realizes he’s actually saying the words loud enough for Jared to hear them. “Love you,” Jared murmurs in his hear. “Everything is going to be fine. So proud of you, Jen.”

“Okay, guys, I got her,” Dr. Collins says enthusiastically as the pressure in Jensen’s stomach increases.

He can’t breathe anymore, can’t think, can’t-

Something is moving inside him, is being pulled away from him. The nurses are helping Collins with something. There is a slippery wet feeling against his stomach.

“She’s here, guys, she’s fine.”

“Oh. God.” Jared gasps.

“She isn’t c-crying,” Jensen stutters. He tries to rise on his elbows but is firmly kept in place by the nurse.

“Give her some time,” Collins said. “She’s fine. Wow. A big girl and, there…”

A tiny wail pierces the sudden silence, followed by a wet cry. _Her, that’s her, she’s crying,_ Jensen thinks. What if he’s imagining it? What if it’s all in his head, sick as he’s been, it wouldn’t be the first-

“Look at her,” Collins says and Jensen can hear the smile in his voice. 

The doctor lifts his arms over the sheet and god, there she is, squirming and crying, so loud, so alive.

“Oh my god,” Jensen whispers. “She’s… she’s okay…”

“She’s perfect, Jen,” Jared smiles so wide his eyes are reduced to slits.

“I bet she’s over eight pounds,” Collins says. “Give me a couple of minutes and you’ll be able to see her more closely.”

Jensen knows things are happening. He assumes the umbilical cord is being cut and that there is some cleanup to be done as well. Jared is crying next to him, keeps kissing him, babbling about their baby girl and how much he loves him. Something gets pushed deep inside of him. Dr. Collins tells them that the placenta is out and that there aren't any complications. Jensen just waits to see his daughter more closely, just listens to the wails and cries and tries to convince himself that this is really happening. Margo is here, with them, alive.

“Hey dad? Want to take her to her daddy?” a nurse asks. She’s holding the small bundle that is their daughter tucked securely in a flannel sheet.

“I… How am I…” Jared holds his arms out clumsily and lets the nurse place the baby into them. 

“Careful of her head.”

“I can’t do this,” Jared complains. “I’m fucking gigantic. I’ll drop her.”

“No you won’t,” the nurse laughs. “Come on, take her to daddy.”

“Jay, please,” Jensen rasps. He physically aches with the need to see his baby girl.

“Yeah. Uh.” Jared walks toward him very slowly, almost tiptoeing, his eyes focused on the baby like it’s a time bomb. “Here we go, love, come and meet your dad. Oh god, she yawned. She’s so cute, Jen…”

“Well I can’t see her, dumbass,” Jensen snaps back.

“Sorry. Sorry, here, let me sit.” 

Jared finally settles back on his bench and inclines his arms so that Margo’s head is close enough for Jensen to see her.

“Oh.” He says in a strangled voice.

She seems so small, so delicate. Her face is swollen, her eyes closed and she pouts with her tiny pink mouth, chin wobbling. She has a cotton hat covering her head and Jensen lifts it a little, just enough to see the very few curly strands of hair sticking to her skull. They’re still wet but look pale, just like her eyebrows.

“Hey Margo, hey baby, you’re so pretty, dad is so happy to meet you.”

She snuffles and yawns again, her eyes opening to slits.

“She’s okay, right?” Jensen asks in a small voice.

“Perfect. We have a daughter, Jen.”

Jensen had thought he would lose it when everything was finally over. He'd thought he would shatter again from the accumulated stress, from the memories of Jenna’s dramatic birth. He hadn't expected to feel this comforting quietness and calm invade him. He’s on a surgery gurney, waiting for the doctor to finish sewing him up. His head hurts, he stinks from sweating so much and probably looks as ridiculous as Jared with his surgical hat.

None of it matters as he watches Margo’s tiny chest swelling and deflating with the rhythm of her breathing. He smiles, can’t help it although it makes his cheeks hurt. He’s not crying anymore. Not fearing what could happen next.

This is unknown territory. No one is panicking in the room, he’s not getting dragged away from his stillborn baby while his boyfriend screams in distress. _What’s happening, oh god, what’s wrong with her._

Jenna would have been six, almost seven. Jensen wonders what his life would be like now, had she lived. It’s not a desperate thought, not something he has to work on forgetting like before when it used to hurt so much he had to leave Jared to take long walks, to drive by himself until he’d managed to get himself under control.

“I wish I could remember Jenna,” he murmurs, and it doesn’t even hurt to say the words out loud. “Wish I could at least know if Margo looks anything like her.”

“I wish you could too,” Jared answers softly.

“Margo Rose Padalecki. How does that sound?”

“Rose? Really?” Jared’s face lights up. 

Jensen knows how Jared’s grandmother had been important in his life until she'd passed away when he was twelve. 

“Really.”

“Welcome, baby,” Jared bends down and kisses the tip of Margo’s nose.

She whines and grimaces. It’s a beautiful sight.

Jensen gets to go home four days after Margo’s birth. He feels pretty good, all things considered. His surgical scar itches like hell, he’s sore and clumsy, hates his deflated, tender belly and dreams of sleeping for eight hours straight but, all in all, he feels good. Relieved to be home. Jensen had accepted visitors at the hospital. He'd been happy to see many of his friends and family, all except Josh and Mackenzie -but his brother will be able to come and spend Christmas in Providence with his family and Mack will get back from U-Pen as soon as her trimester is over. When Jensen’s parents had arrived, Daneel and Mark were already there, which saved Jensen from any kind of awkward, intimate conversation.

So, yes, going back home means being able to rest and get to know his baby girl better. He’s holding his own, mentally speaking, aside from a crying fit the evening following the c-section which had been due more to fatigue and relief than anything else. When he'd spoken about it with Genevieve Cortese the following day, she told him it was normal. He was only experiencing the emotional roller coaster ride any new parent goes through. She did warn him to take it easy, though. As the pregnancy hormones are eliminated from his body along with the ones responsible for the production of milk, he may experience some ups and downs. Baby blues is something every mother or male bearer goes through at some level. The fact that Jensen can’t breast feed – the antidepressant would be present in too great a quantity in the milk and could make Margo develop an addiction to them - means his ducts will suddenly and naturally cease milk production. . It’s not only painful. It can worsen the baby blues symptoms.

“You’re already on an antidepressant so that's one factor in your favor. Still, if you feel like you’re losing control, you know my number.”

Jensen had sworn he would call. Anyway, it’s not like he’s done with his therapy. He doesn’t know when it’ll be over, but he’s not ready to stop seeing Dr. Cortese, nor is she ready to let him go. Antidepressants are usually given for at least six months before the dosage is slowly reduced. Getting off them takes another three months, if everything goes well. 

Jensen has accepted he needs the meds and doesn’t really care about having to take them for a long period. He wants to enjoy every moment he has with Margo, wants to give her everything of himself he can. He’s also scared as hell of going through another episode like the one he'd experienced. This is what his nightmares are made of now, although they’re not as frequent as the cemetery one. Another acute manifestation of his anxiety disorder isn’t what scares him the most, although he hopes never to experience that again. No, what scares him is what it could do to Jared and their baby girl. It’s a motivation unlike any other to do what he needs to do to get better and stay that way.

Back home, Sherry Padalecki waits for them at the door. She insists on helping Jensen get out of the car while Jared takes care of Margo. 

Sherry hugs Jensen tight, whispers in his ear that she’s so glad he’s better, that she wouldn’t want any other man to be the father of her granddaughter. Jensen hugs her back and wishes he could have the same relationship with his own parents. Of course, Sherry hadn't seen him at his worst and has never had to take care of him for months at a time. Maybe one day, Jensen will understand why his parents act the way they do. Maybe one day they’ll truly understand what he’s been through.

He doesn’t want to think about that right now though. He wants to enjoy the simple act of being at home with his family.

A week passes without Jensen feeling any symptoms of the baby blues, although he does suffer from the very painful consequences of engorged milk ducts and letting them dry out without lactating.

Jared behaves like the mother of all mother hens. It’s cute, but also annoying. Still, after everything Jensen has put him through, it’s understandable and he figures he can let Jared have his way if it reassures him. 

Sherry is as discreet as she is wonderful. She cooks and clean the house, she gives advice without overstepping her role, always careful to let Jared and Jensen figure out by themselves how to adapt to their new life with their baby girl. She takes what must be hundreds of pictures of Margo. Her presence is soothing and reassuring. Jensen realizes he’s going to miss her a lot when she flies back to Texas in another week. 

Storm doesn't react well to Margo’s arrival. She keeps her distance, starts winning every time the baby cries and spends her days curled up on her cushion, sighing loudly. It’s like she’s scared of this small wiggling bundle her masters have brought back home with them, like she's figured out that this crying, needy thing will change her doggy life forever. Sherry walks her twice a day and tries to cheer her up. It’s a phase, she tells the boys. She had raised and trained dogs for a living before she became a stay at home mother.

The cat is another story completely. The first couple of days, he hides from everyone, only coming out to eat a little. Then, he starts to get curious. He can stay immobile for minutes at a time, watching the baby from a safe distance. “He looks at her like she’s a bird,” Jared states. 

“Don’t be stupid, he's never hunted anything,” Jensen protests.

Still, it’s very unsettling to see the cat obsessively watching the baby. When she’s asleep in her swing, he settles next to her, eyes wide and tail swishing through the air. At night, he doesn’t want to go out like he used to. Jared and Jensen close the nursery door and he lies in front of it as if he's just waiting for his opportunity.

“He does not seem to appreciate her very much,” Sherry states with tactfulness. 

On that point, Jared isn’t tactful anymore. He has never really liked the cat but it’s evident he’s starting to hate him. “He's waiting for us to drop our guard so he can jump her,” he tells Jensen. 

Jensen tries to defend his pet. In a whole week, the cat has never actually tried to get close to Margo. He’s adapting too, he protests. Then, one night, he has this strange dream where he walks into Margo’s nursery and finds the cat lying in the crib instead of his daughter. He wakes up in a cold sweat and calls Felicia the morning after to ask her if she can take Mr. Mitten for the time being.

Jared and his mother are so clearly relieved it’s almost funny to see how they try to hide it from Jensen. The truth is, he’s relieved too. Priorities tend to change when you become a parent.

On November 28th, as Jared and Jensen give Margo her bath, the dried out nub of her belly button falls off, revealing a small crest of puckered, pink skin. Jared congratulates her like she's just accomplished some incredible exploit. “Look at my big girl with her all new belly button. You’re growing up so fast, love,” he coos while wrapping her in a towel.

Jensen smiles, but something in his heart clenches. Yes, she’s growing fast. Her features have already changed and soon she’ll outgrow her newborn pj’s. Her hair is growing in thin dark blond curls. It's only been eight days. Time isn't just flying by, it’s like it’s jumping ahead of itself. 

What if Jensen doesn’t enjoy each moment he gets to spend with his daughter to its fullest? He swallows back his tears because this is ridiculous. He doesn’t have any reason to feel sad. 

Jared calls his mom to come and see Margo’s belly button and the moment passes. Still, that evening, Jensen insists on taking his turn during the night-time feeds. So far, Jared has stated he needed his sleep, needed to rest, the worry behind those simple words so evident that Jensen hadn’t push the issue. This time, though, he holds his own until Jared concedes that he could use a couple hours of sleep and that maybe needing eight cups of coffee to get through his day is a good enough indication of that.

That’s how Jensen finds himself giving Margo her bottle of milk at one in the morning in the big rocking chair in the nursery, everything in the house eerily quiet. His daughter drinks quickly, making all these adorable snuffling noises, her dark blue eyes open wide in the dim yellow light of her bedside lamp. Jared’s eyes, in shape at least. She also has his dimples. The curls in her hair are some kind of mystery since no one on Jensen’s side or Jared’s have the “curly gene” like Sherry says, but she thinks she may remember a great aunt of hers with very pretty blond curls.

“Are you taking after some unknown aunt, baby?” Jensen whispers, kissing her head. “Where are those curls coming from, huh?”

Margo sucks the last drop of her milk and whines when she gets some air after it’s swallowed. Jensen pulls the silicone nipple from her mouth - not without resistance - and pulls her up against his chest to help her burp. “We’re gonna have to put some more in there next time. You’re a little glutton just like your daddy Jared, right?”

Margo burps in response and Jensen bursts out laughing, startling her. Then, it’s like he can’t stop. He tries to laugh as silently as he can, but he’s soon so cramped up he has to let it out. Except that it sounds more like a sob than a laugh, his cheeks are wet and damn it if he’s not crying again without even knowing why.

He pulls Margo back in the crook of his arms and tries to calm himself down. She’s warm and quiet, her eyes rolling in the back of her head, her body slack and relaxed now that she’s sated. 

“M’so fucking pathetic, crying over you like a big wuss,” Jensen rasps, wiping at his eyes with his free hand.   
“Don’t worry, daddy’s just dealing with stupid hormones.”

“You are?” Jared asks from the doorstep.

Jensen smiles sarcastically and lowers his head. Of course, if he’s going to have a baby blues mini breakdown, Jared has to witness it.

“I’m fine.”

“You’re tired. I shouldn’t have let you-“

Jensen huffs and stands up, walking to the crib to put Margo to sleep. Jared follows, bending over it to have a look at their dozing daughter.

“I’m not tired. I’m okay,” Jensen whispers, offering Margo her pacifier. She latches onto it and starts sucking lazily.

“You were crying.”

“You cried too, the other day, when you couldn’t get her to calm down,” Jensen points out.

“It’s not-“

Jensen turns back and takes Jared’s face between his hands. It’s a gesture he hasn’t done for such a long time and it hits him in the gut how much their relationship has changed since they found out Jensen was pregnant. He wants some of it back. He wants Jared to be able to rely on him just like Jensen relies on him. He wants to be strong, in his head and in his heart.

“I’m doing fine,” he whispers as firmly as he can, looking Jared straight in the eyes. “I take my meds, I feel good, I haven't needed an Ativan once since Margo was born.”

“I…” Jared lowers his eyes and slides his arms around Jensen’s waist. “I didn’t mean it like that. I know how hard you’ve been fighting this freaking illness and I’m so proud of you Jen. I’m just…”

“Scared? Worried? I am too. I know what I put you through. Now, I’m gonna ask something of you, not an easy thing, but you have to promise me you’ll try.”

“What?”

“You have to start to trust me again.”

Jared’s face almost crumples right then. Jensen can see the effort it takes to keep his composure.

“I trust you…” He says in a shaky voice.

“No you don’t, not the way you used to. And it’s okay, Jared. After what happened to me, it’s only normal. But I am doing better. I’m not just trying to convince myself like I did before everything went to hell. I know what’s wrong with me now, I know this anxiety disorder is a serious illness and is here to stay. I mean… I might be able to go off the meds and therapy eventually, but it will always be there, somewhere in my mind. This… frailty.”

“Jen-“Jared tries to protest.

“No. Let me finish. It’s fine, I don’t see it as a sign of weakness. It’s an advantage for me, knowing it’s there, because I’ll be able to watch out for the signs that it might be back before it get so bad I have to be hospitalized. And that’s why I’m asking you to try and trust me again, because I need it, need to feel that you rely on me, babe. Need you to believe I won’t let it get bad the way it was, before asking for help.”

Jared blinks. He might be crying. It’s hard to say in the dim light of the room and the shadow cast across his face.

“Okay, okay, anything you want,” he murmurs. “I’ve been so scared of losing you, Jen. I… It was so hard seeing you like that and not being able to make it better. I’m just… I don’t want you to suffer, not anymore.”

Jensen smiles and kisses him on the corner of his lips. “What’s ahead of us, it’s good, it’s freaking awesome if you ask me.”

He tilts his head toward the crib where Margo is already sleeping peacefully, her mouth slack around her pacifier.

“I’m not scared of loving her anymore.”

It’s blooming in his heart like a flower, the love he has for his daughter, it’s growing each day and there won’t ever be an end to it. There is nothing to taint it anymore, to twist it with fear. And because of this, the love Jensen has for Jenna, the daughter he never got to know, is becoming something soothing and peaceful. A sweet, light memory that will stay with him forever.

But right now, he wants to look forward and walk straight toward the unknown. It’s the best feeling in the world.

\--- ---

 _Author's notes_ : Although this story is about a pregnant man, which, we all know is impossible (right?) I always treat the subjects of my stories with the same seriousness. The mental disease Jensen suffers through has been handled with as much veracity and delicateness I was capable of. Not only did I make a lot of research but I'm a nurse and I have been working with patients suffering from this kind of mental illness. If some of you might have find it exagerated, the way Jensen breaks down and how his personnality changes right after, it isn't. General anxiety disorder and depression are extremely difficult to deal with, let it be for the patient or his close ones. I hope I haven't hurt any sensiblity and I only have respect and compassion for people struggling with mental disease. Thanks for reading!

Much love,

Little star


End file.
